I try as hard as I can to read my bible every morning before the kids get up. I find that it's easier for me to do this when I'm distressed, because I long for that time and those answers. As the year mark came along from losing Josiah, I was very devoted to getting up daily and reading and praying.
Literally, on the morning of August 5th, I read this:
2 Corinthians 8:10a
Here is my advice: It would be good for you to finish what you started a year ago.
Oh. I guess I'm done mourning then?
Then, because I read in 2 spots (to avoid missing a message. If He really wants me to notice something, He'll have to say it twice so I really get it. I'm not exactly a morning person. :P ) I read this:
See, God has come to save me.
I will trust in him and not be afraid.
The Lord God is my strength and my song;
he has given me victory.
It was around that time that Allan sat me down and said he had noticed I was being distant and irritable and wondered what the deal was. It took a lot of prodding on his part, but he finally pulled out of me that I really, *really* want to adopt, but everyone I went to for Godly advice told me I was crazy. Then there was the ever-present nagging feeling that he didn't want anymore children. As I spilled my heart and tears spilled from my eyes over the course of that evening, he held me and was gentle.
And he picked me up and dusted me off, saying, "If these 4 are all we ever have, I am okay with that. But if God calls us to adopt and you want to, we will do that. It's okay."
And like that-it was as if my whole world opened up. I recall a book I read about George Mueller to GraceAnne last year. He hadn't wanted to get married because he was afraid that a family would hold him back from doing the ministry he was called to do. The woman who wanted to marry him said, "A Godly spouse will open you up to do more ministry than you could even imagine on your own." How true.
I am so grateful for my Godly, encouraging, loving, gentle spouse!