Something was brought to my attention this afternoon that I wanted to give a little clarification on, because I feel that I may have been hurtful to some people I love very, VERY much.
My head works strangely...I have 4 voices that go on (oh, lawd, haul her away!):
1. my conscience-of course, this is the part of all of us that tells us why something that FEELS right is actually not right or, as a woman, it is our "sixth sense" about things...you know, when you just KNOW that person is creepy, but you don't know why? And conversely, of course, it talks us out of unreasonable fears and encourages us to stand up and do what is right.
2. God-I have expressed before, I hear the voice of the Lord audibly.
3. Godly counsel-I put "Godly" in front of my counselors, because I have done a fairly good job of toning out people who are unhealthy for me. Anyone who adds to what I'll list as #4 is not someone I need around me. Some of these people I consider Godly counsel are not necessarily people of God, but they are people who give me sound advice and love me and look out for my best interests. My counselors range from my mom, to my friends, to my church family, to even my children, at times. These people motivate us to improve and pick us up and dust us off when we are low. These people will love us no matter what, but aren't too scared to tell us how it is sometimes-even when it hurts. I am very fortunate to have A LOT of Godly counsel.
4. "the devil" or, as some would call it: negative chatter-this is the voice inside of you that rips you to shreds and tears you down. Maybe some don't have this, but I struggle with it. This voice is the one that, after you flip out on your child for something really small that was not necessarily flip-out worthy, tells you, "You're such a worthless parent. What makes you think you deserve these children?" This is the voice that says, "You know...she might actually listen to you if you spanked her hard enough." This is the voice that encourages us to be really ugly, mean and hateful. This is the voice that will reduce you to a puddle of nothing on the couch for days on end.
Don't get me wrong...I have a God who is bigger than voice #4, so it doesn't have much control over me, but I would be remiss to not point it out and I would be a liar to say that it doesn't exist.
So...to clarify, when I say that all the places I go for Godly counsel basically told me I was nuts (regarding adopting more children), what I mean is that I really, REALLY put a lot of stock into what my friends and family have to say. I do not take it lightly or brush it off when someone I love and trust says, "you know...you seem to get so overwhelmed/frustrated/angry...do you really think you should add to that with more children?" The negative chatter would say, "He/She is right...you don't even deserve the kids you have. Why are you even CONSIDERING this? Your own kids are a mess, why do you want to screw up other children who could have better parents than you?" The conscience says, "Tara, you really should address XYZ, because you understand it will only become magnified once there are more children in your home." And God says, "Trust ME. I gave you these wonderful, loving people in your life to help you, but ultimately you come to ME for counsel above all else."
On that note: in case you are one of the people whose counsel I love and adore-in case you saw my words in the wrong light (because I wasn't very clear)-in case I hurt you or made you feel that I don't value your opinion; I'm sorry, I LOVE YOU and I thank you for your guidance. I very much agree with all that you have said to me and I take everything you say into account and I grow from the advice and suggestions you give me. If I ever took your words as hurtful, I fully realize it is only because of an issue inside of me and not because of anything you have done or said. Again, I'm grateful, lucky and blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love me and care enough to bring these things to my attention before I steam forward.
I hope that clarifies things a bit before I move on. I'm so glad to be sharing this journey with you all!