So what do I hope to accomplish in the next year? Strangely enough...despite all the huge changes we're looking at, I really only want small resolutions.
Like starting school every day at 7:30.
or adding an actually art LESSON to our curriculum.
Truthfully, this has been such a crazy flippin' year that I don't want anything huge. I just want some peace, structure and quiet.
We're still moving forward with the farm, but if the house doesn't sell I don't think I'll spend too much time crying about it. I just can't.
I love my friend Karie who I met in NY. I just read a post from last month by her and it said, "It's been a little difficult letting the past go. Realizing that not all people are going to hurt you, the sky doesn't always fall on your face, the people I love are not all going to drop dead and sometimes things are just meant to be...quiet...and that's ok." Of course, like everyone we walk this path of life with, Karie's story is different than mine. But we have a couple things in common: we've both had a huge loss and a rough year. Personally I think she's doing a better job handling her loss than I am, but I am feeling her on that quiet thing because of some promises I've been made.
I dunno how much I ever shared about my pregnancy, but I really didn't want to have another baby. Hence the vasectomy, eh? But the surgery fell through the first time and then on June 7th I clearly heard the voice of the Lord tell me, "you will become pregnant." Yeah, I'm nuts. But I've listened to my inner voices enough to know that wasn't mine. And I was terrified. But by the time we got the positive test I was elated. I mean, I *know* God has a plan for me all the time, but when He flat out tells you about it?! How cool is that? I spend most of my prayer life saying, "if you'd just tell me what you want..." haha
So when the Dr thought it was a blighted ovum I knew he was wrong. And I laughed. And of course, I prayed like crazy. I doubted myself and I wondered if I was nuts. But then 2 weeks later we saw a sweet little baby and a precious heartbeat. I strutted around like a peacock, so proud of my God and what He had done. And then 2 weeks after that...well, that you all know. Now it all seems so pathetic. What on earth is 10 weeks? What amount of time is that? It's not even 1/4 of a year. But it was a whole lifetime to me...
Every promise I made myself during that time has fallen through. I don't run anymore; there's no more money for a trip in March; I haven't spent more time with God. I'm just so tired of failing myself that I can only do 1 thing in this coming year: cling to the promises I've been made by the only One who has never ever failed me.
Since the day I found out the baby was dead and kept asking "WHY?" this verse has popped up a lot:
Mark 4:22-"For nothing is hidden, except to be revealed; nor has anything been secret, but that it would come to light."
and then yesterday, for the first time studying in over a week, this popped up at me:
Psalm 112: 7,8-"They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts will be steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear; in the end they will look in triumph on their foes."
I still don't know why. But I know that no truth is hidden from me, except one that will be revealed in due time. And I can say that this whole year has made me honestly able to look at our future without much fear. This month we did a budget with 1/4 of the money we normally have. I'm not worried. I can promise you that comes from the Lord, because I am always panicked about not having enough. There is no news worse than losing one of your children. And we've done it. And we've survived it. And I'm ready for a NEW year. A year without any expectations or any broken promises. I'm ready to see what the Lord has in store and I'm okay if it involves serious moving and shaking or if it's just some quiet.
I'm sure as time moves on, (especially once we move past March), I'll have some loftier goals, but for now I'll be happy if I manage to get up the same time most mornings and open my bible. What better way to find a new me in the new year?