At any rate, we were discussing just exactly the reasons why the loss of our child has hurt me so much. Besides the obvious, as I was speaking I told him that pregnancy is a preparation. From getting up 5x a night to pee to just walking around with 20 extra pounds attached to you the entire 9 months is an excersize in endurance, to be sure that at the end you are 1) ready to run the biggest marathon of your life and do the impossible, (labor and then give birth) and 2) prepared to be a mom. At the very end of your pregnancy you endure the hardest thing you never knew you could do and sit triumphantly while you gaze upon the miracle that you just got to be a part of. The following few days are an exhausted stupor, but one in which you are thrilled to be. Or at least I have always thought the first week home with baby is the most delicious time.
So I'm mourning the loss of the family I envisioned starting on June 7th...the picture of us with 5 kids above the mantle; the endless insanity that goes along with 3 under 3; the thought of who this little person would turn out to be in this big world; but I'm also mourning the loss of a test of endurance and strength. Mourning something I *know* I can't do on my own, but doing it because I have a wonderful husband to get me through and a glorious God to bring me through and because of the promise of the most amazing week of rest in which I bask in the awesomeness of a God who allows me to be a part of this miracle.
So today I started running. I don't know precisely what I'm training for, but I have big dreams of hiking through treacherous terrain with a toddler sized 14mo old on my back when we take our trip in March. I want to train for something completely outside of me and then achieve it and have a great week of rest afterward.
That said...those of you who know me, go ahead and laugh. Those of you who don't, suffice it to say I am NOT a runner. I have never been an overly physical type of person. I would much prefer to sit on the couch with a friend and a cup of coffee than go anywhere. I wouldn't call myself a homebody, but I am, for the most part, content to sit. Suffice it also to say that I have been pregnant or nursing for the better part of 3 years and none of that is conducive to being physically fit. I will start this journey at around 134lbs (I'm 5'5") and between a jean size 7-9. Yes...I am fairly small, however, all my smallness is "jiggly" save my arms, which get quite the workout daily hauling around a 22lb 8-month-old.
But as I said, today I started running. I thought to myself when I got up, "surely I can run all the way down to Main St." I got to the end of my block with 6 blocks left to go and gave that dream up quickly enough, so I guess that is my goal--to be able to run all the way to the main road. I opted, instead, for running a block and fast-paced walking a block, alternating like that all the way down and back. About the 2nd block on the way back I resigned myself to praying like a madwoman...aloud. So if you live around town and you hear a very out of breath woman praying, "You can do this, you ARE doing this. God give me strength. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I have run a good race" etc, either ignore me or cheer me on. The last block I was supposed to run I thought I couldn't, but gosh-darnit, I did it anyway. I felt like I was going to die when I walked in the house, but we did it! Me and God helping me through. Just like every time I had a baby...
So there it is. Yes, I am starting off pretty pathetically, but I'm starting and that's a big sweaty deal for me. I haven't run in 7 years, (literally, to the month...it was 7 years ago in August I started training for basic) and then I got pregnant and haven't done anything physically exerting since. Prior to that I hadn't run since high school and that was only because I had to. I've never in my life owned running shoes, (yes, folks, the beauties you see above are actually my first pair of Nike's EVER) and I never in a million years dreamed that I would be doing this, but here I am. At one point in time I never dreamed that I'd want, love and dream of 6+ kids, either, so I guess all things really are possible through Christ Jesus.
I'll have lots of blogging fodder in the next few days...we are cloth diapering and our first official day of homeschooling is tomorrow, so I'll be sure to take lots of pictures. I know the blog has been seriously devoid as of late. I thank all of you who have been reading anyway. I love and miss you!