Can we just say that this month (or maybe the last 8!) have been very difficult? This family has certainly seen its share of Blessings, but we've also seen our share of heartaches. Nevermind just the stress of daily living with a 2-yr-old and an infant...we've been from RSV to systemic thrush to mastitis x3 to clogged milk ducts and tear ducts and countless medications to hospitalizations to a premature end to nursing to losing half our income to whooping cough to complications from a vasectomy to losing our child. Top that torturous sundae with the whipped cream and cherry of being spiritually beaten down by satan and I'd say it's given us more than just a belly/toothache! Through it all I know you've been crying right along with us and giving us strength to get back up and face another day.
You know that we've struggled with studying your word and praying the way we should. I feel guilty about that, but I'm so grateful that you're not an angry God who sits back and wonders WHEN we're going to get our act together and do right. I'm so grateful for your saving grace.
I want to affirm a couple of your truths that I've re-realized in the last couple of days. You are who you say you are and you do what you say you'll do. I may never understand why Melissa and I had to lose our children this week, but I know you told me I'd get pregnant...I assumed the having a baby part. You were faithful and I did, indeed get pregnant. You told her that her body would heal and she would again have life inside of her. You were faithful and her body did heal and she did, indeed have life inside of her again. I know that you are mourning our losses just as we are and that our children are safe with you. I know that you are holding us, even if we feel we are alone sometimes.
I know that you do not tempt me to do evil. When I am ready to snap and scream and freak out at my children it is not you who is "testing" me. You are not tempted to do evil and you do not tempt others. I know that satan is alive and well and that he is trying his best to keep me from you. Even though your love for me never ends, the guilt and anger I feel can keep me from approaching you and can break our communion.
So I call on these truths and I will seek your face as you've told me to. You know how twisted and broken I am on the inside. You know I am weary. I know I can't do any of this without you. I confess that I have tried, because it is in my nature not to burden anyone else--not even you--with my troubles. I confess that I have doubted your strength in me. I understand that to do wrong when I know right is sin, no matter how "understandable" the sin may be on this earth, it is not what you want for me.
Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for seeing this beautiful mess and promising me beauty for ashes. Thank you for never being ashamed or disappointed in me. Thank you for not being anything that my mind can make you out to be. Thank you for the Blessings of living in a country where things come so easily, my beautiful home, my mom and sisters, a husband who cherishes, adores and encourages me, 4 wonderful children, your Son and your word.
I'm hurt and I'm confused, but I still love you and I still need you. Please strengthen me through your love and encourage me through your word and Bless those who have to deal with me in this season. Bless those who choose to deal with me in this season--pile so many good things on them that they can't help but know who you are, too.
You are my salve, your word my soothing ointment. You never said it would be easy, but you promised the end would be worth it. I will follow you and choose to love you despite the world's best efforts. I love you.