Sometimes God's Blessings and encouragements are so small you have to be broken to see them. Sometimes you have to be broken to even recieve them at all.
Through this entire crappy situation of losing our baby, we've had some wonderful people loving on us. We've always craved deeper relationships with people and it seems that now the door is opening. We're all beginning to see that NOW is the time. Not in a week when things have calmed down, not in a month when this project is over but RIGHT.NOW.IS.THE.TIME.
Allan and I decided that despite being "broke" for the next 10 months, we're going to plan for a family vacation in March. It will encompass the day the baby would have been due, (March 10th). We know that since God made this baby we want to see something GRAND that God made. We want to be swept up in His majesty and beauty as we remember the hope and excitement that we had and the hope and excitement He promises we'll have again.
We had set aside a little tax money for doing random things with the kids during these 10 months, but we decided to make it "seed money" for the trip instead. Since we use cash we accumulate quite a good amount of change, so we're saving that, too. And every other extra penny that comes into this household is going to go into this trip. We have no idea where to go, but I think the perfect place will come to us.
And that brings me to the tiny things. Even though we shouldn't have anything to put aside, I was able to sell some of the baby's things I was saving. I have a rebate from switching our energy provider coming in the form of a gift card soon. Today I got a WM gift card in the mail. All of these things will go into the jar. I know God will Bless this trip and the planning because despite our pain we are seeking Him.
And it's not just monetary...like I said above, God puts some amazing people in our lives...people we would never have expected to lift us up when even some of our closest friends and family run away. Today I also got a card from someone on my coupon trading board of all places. We only ever exchanged a few private messages while securing a trade, but she saw somewhere that we had lost our baby and sent a card and a "Big Hug." Today a friend from church is coming over to spend some time because Allan is gone and she thought I might be lonely, (too true!). I have play dates set up this week in the land of "let's-get-together"-but-we'll-never-really-do-it. I had an amazing friend take my girls last week for a few hours so I could decompress a little. None of this would have happened if it weren't for our little bean going back to Heaven.
I still would rather hold my baby in March than take a trip, but for now I'll beam at the little things.