Answers: part 3 (of 3)

Well here I am, FINALLY, to share what I woke up the next morning to find laying open to me. Over the course of the past week it has not ceased to amaze me how human I am..."The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." I know it will always be this way, though I will train myself better and better and with the holy spirit's help I'll become more disciplined, but I'm back to feeling almost like I was. It's different, because I'm no longer waiting for an answer, and it's not heavy-how strange is that? But there's still a fog of sadness. I still cry at the drop of a hat. I went a while with no tears, (a week and a half HA!) but they're back again. I imagine I'll get these little breaks intermittently and they'll get further and further apart. Whatever happens, I'll just keep leaning on His promises and move forward.

Oh, you came here to read about answers. Well, last Monday morning, after I had heard that sermon, I wanted to read the actual Psalm that went with it, just in case there was some other little morsel I could glean from it. Now, mind you, that is a lot of "I" for what has been revealed. Understand that I realize this had very little to do with me...I was a captive audience who only chose to look for what God was revealing. This can-and does-happen to anyone! I don't think I'm special because I can understand (in one way...God speaks to us a whole host of different things through the same scripture depending on where we are at in our lives when we read it). I do KNOW I'm pretty special because the author of creation wanted to have a little 3 day chat with me! But I also know He'll do it for anyone who asks!

So...Psalm 90.
A prayer of Moses, the man of God.
1 Lord, through all the generations
you have been our home!
2 Before the mountains were born,
before you gave birth to the earth and the world,
from beginning to end, you are God.
3 You turn people back to dust, saying,
“Return to dust, you mortals!”
4 For you, a thousand years are as a passing day,
as brief as a few night hours.
5 You sweep people away like dreams that disappear.
They are like grass that springs up in the morning.
6 In the morning it blooms and flourishes,
but by evening it is dry and withered.
7 We wither beneath your anger;
we are overwhelmed by your fury.
8 You spread out our sins before you—
our secret sins—and you see them all.
9 We live our lives beneath your wrath,
ending our years with a groan.

10 Seventy years are given to us!
Some even live to eighty.
But even the best years are filled with pain and trouble;
soon they disappear, and we fly away.
11 Who can comprehend the power of your anger?
Your wrath is as awesome as the fear you deserve.
12 Teach us to realize the brevity of life,
so that we may grow in wisdom.

13 O Lord, come back to us!
How long will you delay?
Take pity on your servants!
14 Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love,
so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
15 Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!
Replace the evil years with good.
16 Let us, your servants, see you work again;
let our children see your glory.
17 And may the Lord our God show us his approval
and make our efforts successful.
Yes, make our efforts successful!

12 jumped right out at me...TEACH US TO NUMBER OUR DAYS...wha?!? I am NOT saying God took my baby to teach me to love life, but we live in this fallen world and well, crappy things happen. REALLY crappy things. I know this. It is not God's will. But He can turn any ashes into beauty. He does not waste anything. And I have to say, while I have always loved and appreciated my children, I hold them a little longer, kiss them a little slower and need them much more now that I have learned that our days could be few. Of course, you always *know* this, but it takes tragedy to fully grasp what that means. I've always been a sentimental sap and never wanted to leave angry "in case" but...this is different. This is deeper than fear. Moving on!

13, oh be still my heart! How many times I *knew* better than to think that my God had abandoned me, but I *felt* like He was far away from me. Like He was Blessing everyone around me and I was left in the cold. Which, incidentally, is a crappier feeling that just not believing He exists.

14 describes a longing, but somehow you just can't put that into words. Lots of Psalmists do a good job trying, but there is no way to describe that desperate, rising feeling in your chest. When you want to reach out to people but everything they say makes you angry or sad. When you feel the need to buy things, but nothing you bring home gives satisfaction. When you desperately want someone or something to fix you and you just can't manage to find it. I spent a lifetime here before I figured out that GOD can fill that hole. It's taken me a while longer to figure out that if I want Him to satisfy me in the morning I have to be UP before the kids are and ready to recieve it.

16 is when I cried out, "THANK YOU for coming back! We're ready! Make our joy so abundant that our children see it flow over into their own lives and they can't help but know You through watching us."

AND MAKE OUR EFFORTS SUCCESSFUL! There could not be a better ending to any blogpost than to sing with praise that He WILL make our efforts successful. Praise God!

1 comment:

Gayle said...

Just wanted you to know that I did read every word of all three posts. Not sure how much I agree/understand, but I completely respect your feelings and the direction you are choosing for yourself and family. I hope that you find the peace you are seeking.