2.21.2009

My sh*t list

But first some pictures because I haven't posted any in a long time and I know ya'll want to see them.

Ain't she cute, sleepin' with her butt up in the air?

This is my rocker girl with a scrape on her face from kissing the pavement in our driveway. It healed in no-time fast, thank God. I thought someone was going to think I beat her!She is just so darned snuggly!! I've never held such a cuddly little thing in my whole life.

So lately I've been pretty depressed and I realize that I've NEVER known how to deal with grief. I just put it off and shut myself up because I feel like I don't "deserve" to feel it and I don't pray about it because I don't know how to pray to "feel better" because it doesn't work that way...so here is my prayer list and I'm going to consider this my way of "handing it over to God" so I can move on, hopefully.

1. We had to move out of our house.
2. We've been stuck in a house the size of a bedroom for 3+ months now.
3. My kids don't listen to squat and aren't free to roam/play/work out energy out here.
4. I have no computer during the day while Allan is at school.
5. I miss my mom and sisters, especially after I had an AWESOME time in WI in Dec.
6. My "dad" didn't say SQUAT to me or send a Christmas card for the 2nd year in a row.
7. My "church family" seems not to care that I tell them I'm lonely and stressed. I still only see them on Sundays.
8. The "extreme home makeover" has turned into the extreme home demolition...oops we don't have the money to fix it, so you'll just have to live with it.
9. I'm about to lose my promotion and become just a consultant again.
10. The only friend I can hang out with during the day and who I adore and learn from and appreciate so much just moved 6 hours away.
11. I got a ticket for being a neglectful mom.
12. The surrounding circumstances triggered my PTSD and now I'm super sad about crap I haven't thought about in years.
13. I have to go to court and file a complaint and all I want to do is forget about the whole thing.
14. A cousin from my step-family called me and I felt really bad about it.
15. Someone from church reported that I didn't clean up good enough after my Kids in the Kitchen workshop, even though I did.
16. My uncle died last week and I don't feel like I have the right to mourn because I pretty much disowned that family when I was 13.
17. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to feel close to God.
18. I can't make myself walk into the church service to save my life for the last 3 months.
19. I hardly get to cook anymore since our kitchen is torn up and I have no stove out here. The cleanup is horrendous.
20. My husband's been in 2 car accidents in the last 2 months.
21. My car is acting up.
22. My husband's PTSD is acting up and I can't fix him. I wish he didn't have to understand how I feel.
23. No matter how hard I try I can't stop screaming at the kids
24. I feel alone, scared and stupid.
25. I can't do anything right and everything I touch gets screwed up.

26. I had to give up nursing.

27. I had to give up pumping.

27.5. Formula is EXPENSIVE!

28. Violet is ALSO allergic to cow's milk and has to have soy formula.

29. The kids and I have been sick for a couple weeks with allergies.

30. I've been realizing I need to learn to reconcile old me and new me instead of just forgetting that that life existed. This is harder than I ever imagined.

31. My stomach is still all icky and fat from giving birth almost TEN months ago.

32. My long-lost step-daughter's aunt found me on MySpace and made me wish we knew her.

33. I miss Rhiya like crazy and it makes my heart ache. I love to talk to her on Sundays but I cry when I get off the phone with her because I wish she was here and I'm so impressed by the woman she's turning into.

There some of it is. Maybe now I can walk away from it or deal with it or whatever it is I'm supposed to do. Thanks for being my journal, blogger.

2 comments:

Emily said...

Tara....

You're not going to believe this but I know how you feel, with most things anyway. I almost started crying, ok I started crying reading your list because I have a crap list myself. I will be back to Dallas on the 15. WE NEED TO GET TOGETHER ON THE 16th. I am stinking serious. And just talk. Seriously. OK. That is it. We are going to have a "Pity Party". It is something I came up with when I was having a rough time my first semester of school so be prepared to cry and throw stuff. I am not kidding. And eat chocolate. Anyway we will talk about it later! I am thinking about you and praying for you!

Sybil said...

Oh Tara. I am sorry you're going through so much. Many, many hugs!!!