Scars

So it has been a year since we found out that our baby would not be joining us on this earth.  You can read a little about it HERE if you're new or want a refresher.

I would rather be holding Josiah today than anything else in the world...nursing him and watching the 3 here give him kisses and talk about how cute he is.  But you know God...He's not going to let me dwell on the hurt for too long.  I have to look back and see all that IS because Josiah didn't come to us.

There would have been no trip to Haiti if it meant me being home with a 3 month old and 3 kids by myself for 10 days. 

And I can tell you that these kids lives were changed by my loving husband...no less than his was changed by them.

Diaper Solutions would not exist.  Nor the class that it was created for...Childbirth & Beyond.  I'm going to be teaching young moms about childbirth, natural parenting techniques and just generally loving on them and sharing the love Christ gives to me.  Words can't describe how excited I am about this class, either.

Friends...man...I've been a whiny brat this last week and God has brought to mind all the amazing people who have loved on me since last August...Melissa went through a loss with me and guided me and loved on me and I've witnessed her restoration and praise God for her and her testimony. 

Countless people have shared their losses with me, and I pray healed just a bit because of my all-too-often complete openness. 

Tristine, Sharie, Heather and Shanna are 4 I would not have met had we not lost Josiah.  And I'm so grateful for each and every one of them.  Tristine and Shanna are friends I've had the pleasure of meeting "IRL" and who will do ministry with me in this new class.  Sharie and Heather are friends who bless me from afar with their kindness and generosity and love when I'm going out of my mind and don't know where else to go. (When I'm too stubborn to turn to God first)

Renae, Jeff, Hope, Mary, Amy, Lisa, Trish...these are just a few friends I had prior to Josiah's departure who have pulled in even closer to me, despite my pain. 

The rawness and subsequent healing has really improved my relationships with almost everyone.  It would be impossible for me to list all the ways my life is better now than it was a year ago.  If nothing else, our loss has gotten me to read my bible and pray more faithfully and fervently and well, that is more than enough.  The rest is just icing on the cake.  "All this He does only because He is my loving Father; not because I have earned or deserve it." -Martin Luther

Do you remember that picture?  I took it when I took my weekend away last year.  I have stored in my heart a conversation with God I had that day and I don't think I ever shared it here....I'd like to share that now.  To everyone who has heard my diatribe this last week, I'm sorry.  Thank you for loving me through the hard times.  This story has become very clear to me once more.

I was hiking some pretty trecherous terrain up there, much of it steep and rocky.  I'm not very "in shape" and especially wasn't then, having been pregnant or nursing for the better part of 3 years.  The conversation was very childish, but here it is:
Me: "Oh Lord, please don't let me fall out here!"
God: "and if you do fall?  What then?"
Me: "I might get hurt..what if I bust my knee open?"
God: "then I'll pick you up and it will heal."
Me: "but then I'll have a scar."
God: "and?"
Me: "and then I'll have it to look at and always remember the time You let me fall and get hurt."
God: "or you'll always remember the time you fell and I picked you up and healed you."

Words can't describe how much I fell even further in love with my Lord and Savior that weekend.  I'm sorry to everyone who hates constantly reading about it here, but I have found the most wonderful gift...freedom and love and peace when I might have something less and what kind of a friend would I be if I did not share that? 

I love you all and I thank you each from the bottom of my heart for loving me through all of this.  For everyone who has given us prayers, condolences and hugs through this last year-thank you.  I pray you know that you will always remind me (even if we don't speak now) of the time God picked me up and healed me.  I know there will be hard days still...days I cry for my baby, but I'm so grateful for all I have despite the loss. 

Hugs and love to you all.