Time Suck

I think sometimes I live in a time vacuum.  It's a strange dichotomy, where days stretch on and on and I can not talk to someone for just a day or so and feel like I haven't talked to them in "forever."  This is probably partly because we live in a digital world, where we can send and recieve messages at a moment's notice and most everyone is only an armslength away from being contacted. 

On the other side of it I can look back and realize, "wow...Friday will be one year since we found out the baby was gone."  And it doesn't seem like it, because sometimes it pricks my heart just the same way it did a whole year ago. 

But here I stand...light years from where I was.  A million conversations that happened "forever ago" [last month] but a pain that is still so real a "whole year" later. 

And before anyone starts talking to me about how I should or shouldn't be or feel or talk, just forget it.  I've heard enough of everyone else's opinions on the subject lately.  If you'd like to show some compassion, I'd love to see it.  Because these days have seemed hopelessly devoid of it from people. 

But it all serves a purpose, because it's days/weeks/months like these that remind me of my true need for a loving, kind, forgiving God.  I'm so imperfect and I'm so selfish and flawed and not at all what everyone else needs me to be.  But I can rest in that place that is filled by the cross.  Praise God for that...I remember feeling like I might drown before I found Him.  I remember crying daily and feeling completely hopeless and worthless, but now I can cry and move on because every moment has a cross leading to the next-a cross that offers fresh starts and new beginnings.  I don't have to keep being the same pathetic creature this afternoon that I was this morning just because I already messed the day up.  Each minute is a new minute to start over. Now I can cry and move on because I know of my hope and worth in Him.

But sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I don't restart for a few days.  I sure wish that would be okay for some people.  But I'm not here to serve people, am I? 

Mindless ramble, I know.  Sorry.  I'm sure I'll have another on Friday or a little after that.  Keep the faith...the pastor found Allan's camera in his truck that we borrowed, so I will have pictures from Haiti soon.  So much going on...VBS, preparing to teach a childbirth class to pregnant teens, preparing for a new homeschool year with TWO students, a few minor home improvements, etc. etc. etc.  So many GOOD and WONDERFUL gifts from my Father. 

No comments: