Wow...Thank you, Melissa, for bringing this up. I want to link to this blog and then I'll go on with what I have to say. Yes...there's a lot of reading here for anyone actually intrested.
http://nancysmithonline.wordpress.com/2010/10/14/is-this-your-first/
So now for me. Yes, I heard some of those comments and I like to try to extend grace to those who don't know better. It makes me feel so much better to read where Nancy said, " We’re so unclear on what we actually believe about that child, that we’re uncomfortable with the grief associated with losing him or her." I have struggled with the same thing and they were MY babies. Yes, I said "they." We've had 2 losses. One right before we got pregnant with Violet and this latest one. The earlier one was "easier" I can say 3 years later because we got pregnant with Violet so soon afterward. In my head I justify it as "well...we wouldn't have had Violet." But this one...oh, this one...
Allan's analysis came back clear. Which means no more babies for us. There will be no child to cover over the grief of losing this one. That doesn't mean God isn't turning these ashes into beauty...I believe He is already showing me how He's making this tragedy into something amazing, but it does mean I don't know this grief, I've never experienced it before and it HURTS.
I mentioned to Allan last night how no one has commented on my last blog post. I don't know why that is. I know people have read it. It's okay, maybe I'm frying your grids. But I am grateful to know that it's okay to grieve and it's okay to expose things to people that may make them feel awkward. I'm grateful to have this place to share my experiences and to hopefully help others who have gone through/are going through the same things.
And that's it for me for now. This is very disconjointed and difficult to read, but there it is...my heart.
10.05.2010
2 months
Today is 2 months since we found out our baby was gone. Sometimes I cringe when people say that someone has "left us" or is "gone" but in the case of Baby Doyle 5, it is true. I went to the ultrasound expecting to see a wiggly baby on the screen, but instead saw an empty sac where a baby had once been. It has been curious to me how that kind of thing happens, and I'll admit to being slightly disturbed that in some way my body was getting nourishment from the being it was supposed to be nourishing. But the hair-stylist I had the "divine appointment" with last month said, "maybe your baby was an angel and it just came to see you for a little while and then went back to heaven." I like her explanation better.
The bitter tears have mostly gone. I'm still sad and it's hard sometimes, to watch my body get ever smaller when it should be growing round with life, but for the most part, life has caught back up with me and busy-ness keeps me from feeling the pain very frequently.
Most of the time I feel like I'm floating at sea, but I mentioned in a post before we lost the baby that I had been feeling that way, so I suppose things are "back to normal" for the most part. I keep feeling like I'm waiting for our future to happen and really the only time the lonliness for the baby bites me in the arse now is when I remember that we had something tangible in the future to look forward to and now we don't know what it looks like--again. I don't know how to say that the way I mean it...I mean, we've known for a long time that something BIG was going to change soon and for a while, (40 days) we thought that change looked like a new baby and new familial roles, but now we're back to a faceless change, which is sometimes harder than the very hardest change you could know about.
I find myself defending my wound on occasion. What on earth does *that* mean?! Well, just that I want to feel it or expose it to others from time to time. Not because I'm some emo or goth kid, but because it seems like when you've lost something so loved, so wanted, so important you should just recognize that it was there instead of steam-rolling past it. For example, when remodeling the house, we came across a former doorway that had been boarded over and sheet-rocked. Allan thought we should "honor" the door so that everyone who visited would know that, once, a door had been in that spot. So he built a beautiful bookshelf in the doorway that was. When I come down the stairs, I admire that bookshelf. It used to be something much more functional, but then someone came in and plowed over it and it became a wall I had to decorate, (and had no decorations for, incidentally, so it was an eyesore) and a carpenter came along and decided to honor what was once there and it became something to inspire, something to look at and love. It's not what it used to be, but it's beautiful and it's a reminder.
Let me chase that rabbit 'round this bush one more time...There was once a new life that would enter this home and change its floorplan. It had a function and a purpose all its own--baby brother, youngest child, the one who changed the way we look at God--and to board that doorway up would create something that would be an eyesore (a mother who longed to remember her child, but never felt it was okay to talk about him). But instead I want a carpenter to come along and build something beautiful out of the empty space. Maybe that life is no longer functional or purposeful in and of the vision we had for it at the time, but it can be functional and beautiful in some other way.
By the way--Jesus was/is a carpenter if you're curious about the reference.
Well, that's all I got for now. Love and miss you all.
The bitter tears have mostly gone. I'm still sad and it's hard sometimes, to watch my body get ever smaller when it should be growing round with life, but for the most part, life has caught back up with me and busy-ness keeps me from feeling the pain very frequently.
Most of the time I feel like I'm floating at sea, but I mentioned in a post before we lost the baby that I had been feeling that way, so I suppose things are "back to normal" for the most part. I keep feeling like I'm waiting for our future to happen and really the only time the lonliness for the baby bites me in the arse now is when I remember that we had something tangible in the future to look forward to and now we don't know what it looks like--again. I don't know how to say that the way I mean it...I mean, we've known for a long time that something BIG was going to change soon and for a while, (40 days) we thought that change looked like a new baby and new familial roles, but now we're back to a faceless change, which is sometimes harder than the very hardest change you could know about.
I find myself defending my wound on occasion. What on earth does *that* mean?! Well, just that I want to feel it or expose it to others from time to time. Not because I'm some emo or goth kid, but because it seems like when you've lost something so loved, so wanted, so important you should just recognize that it was there instead of steam-rolling past it. For example, when remodeling the house, we came across a former doorway that had been boarded over and sheet-rocked. Allan thought we should "honor" the door so that everyone who visited would know that, once, a door had been in that spot. So he built a beautiful bookshelf in the doorway that was. When I come down the stairs, I admire that bookshelf. It used to be something much more functional, but then someone came in and plowed over it and it became a wall I had to decorate, (and had no decorations for, incidentally, so it was an eyesore) and a carpenter came along and decided to honor what was once there and it became something to inspire, something to look at and love. It's not what it used to be, but it's beautiful and it's a reminder.
Let me chase that rabbit 'round this bush one more time...There was once a new life that would enter this home and change its floorplan. It had a function and a purpose all its own--baby brother, youngest child, the one who changed the way we look at God--and to board that doorway up would create something that would be an eyesore (a mother who longed to remember her child, but never felt it was okay to talk about him). But instead I want a carpenter to come along and build something beautiful out of the empty space. Maybe that life is no longer functional or purposeful in and of the vision we had for it at the time, but it can be functional and beautiful in some other way.
By the way--Jesus was/is a carpenter if you're curious about the reference.
Well, that's all I got for now. Love and miss you all.
10.03.2010
YAY OCTOBER!
It's here! My very favorite month. The fall garden is in the ground, the weather has cooled and I get to make harvest treats. The wheels are spinning wildly trying to figure what the kids will be for Halloween. The holidays are around the corner and in some ways life speeds up until the end of the year and in other ways it slows down.
Though this month is so happy, I need to ask our loved ones for some prayers. Poor Corbin is having some issues.
See that eye? He and I had some head cold/allergy stuff going on last week and his tear duct clogged up again. The pediatrician and the opthamologist agreed that it's not going to fix itself, like most kids, so he needs the plastic surgery done. They put him on another heavy-duty antibiotic and put a referral into the surgeon. When the surgeon's scheduler called they orginally told us to come in Monday, (tomorrow) but then they asked me if Corbin had any breathing issues...
So I had to tell them about the RSV and the allergies causing asthma symptoms and the breathing treatments and the whooping cough and the apnea spells. At which point they said, "sorry, we can't do the surgery." Recall I mentioned that we had a sleep study scheduled? (Or maybe I didn't...I was eyeball deep in mourning a baby at that time, so maybe I spaced it) At any rate, Corbin is going to Children's the 18th of this month for a sleep study because he stops breathing for 10-15 second increments in the night. We want them to remove his adenoids, but at his age they won't until they are sure the apnea is not a brain-stem issue. 
She was more than a little irritated with me for taking this picture, LOL! She told me, "I DUN WAN PEC-TOOR, MOMMY!" But she is my big girl and I'm so proud of her :)
And there is my other big girl and her daddy working on the treehouse this weekend. Since the weather is totally worth being in, we've been trying to soak up every minute of daylight between gardening, swinging on the porch swing or working on the treehouse.
I mentioned those harvest treats...I've been having a blast baking this last week.
I made hot-cross buns from scratch and they were DEVOURED. I also made "the best, big, fat, chewy chocolate chip cookies" from allrecipes.com. We've been using the recipe for years and the name is TOO TRUE. There was chicken n' dumplin's, rump roast and veggies, pasta carbonara, from-scratch chicken noodle soup and something I've never made before but was so proud of:
homemade chicken pot pies with from-scratch gravy. MMMMMMMMM. Everyone in the house must love harvest treats as much as I do, because even GraceAnne has eaten most nights this week without complaint. That is rare. Corbin has been devouring his dinners and Violet hums with every bite.
Though this month is so happy, I need to ask our loved ones for some prayers. Poor Corbin is having some issues.
See that eye? He and I had some head cold/allergy stuff going on last week and his tear duct clogged up again. The pediatrician and the opthamologist agreed that it's not going to fix itself, like most kids, so he needs the plastic surgery done. They put him on another heavy-duty antibiotic and put a referral into the surgeon. When the surgeon's scheduler called they orginally told us to come in Monday, (tomorrow) but then they asked me if Corbin had any breathing issues...
So I had to tell them about the RSV and the allergies causing asthma symptoms and the breathing treatments and the whooping cough and the apnea spells. At which point they said, "sorry, we can't do the surgery." Recall I mentioned that we had a sleep study scheduled? (Or maybe I didn't...I was eyeball deep in mourning a baby at that time, so maybe I spaced it) At any rate, Corbin is going to Children's the 18th of this month for a sleep study because he stops breathing for 10-15 second increments in the night. We want them to remove his adenoids, but at his age they won't until they are sure the apnea is not a brain-stem issue. So the way we're praying this works out is like this:
18th they monitor Corbin and actually SEE the apnea spells and determine it is obstructive and refer him to the ENT for an adenoid removal.
the following week have his adenoids removed
the week after that have the eye surgery.
We'd appreciate prayers along the same vein. All of this has been such a burden on our hearts since the little guy was 6 weeks old, so it would be absolutely amazing to have this lifted off of this household.
We are SO blessed despite all this, though, because as you can see, he is just the happiest little guy! He is completely and totally attached to mine and Allan's hips, but he is a joy to be sure.
We are SO blessed despite all this, though, because as you can see, he is just the happiest little guy! He is completely and totally attached to mine and Allan's hips, but he is a joy to be sure.
Here is another joy:
She was more than a little irritated with me for taking this picture, LOL! She told me, "I DUN WAN PEC-TOOR, MOMMY!" But she is my big girl and I'm so proud of her :)
And there is my other big girl and her daddy working on the treehouse this weekend. Since the weather is totally worth being in, we've been trying to soak up every minute of daylight between gardening, swinging on the porch swing or working on the treehouse. I mentioned those harvest treats...I've been having a blast baking this last week.
I made hot-cross buns from scratch and they were DEVOURED. I also made "the best, big, fat, chewy chocolate chip cookies" from allrecipes.com. We've been using the recipe for years and the name is TOO TRUE. There was chicken n' dumplin's, rump roast and veggies, pasta carbonara, from-scratch chicken noodle soup and something I've never made before but was so proud of:
homemade chicken pot pies with from-scratch gravy. MMMMMMMMM. Everyone in the house must love harvest treats as much as I do, because even GraceAnne has eaten most nights this week without complaint. That is rare. Corbin has been devouring his dinners and Violet hums with every bite. I so LOVE this month! I pray you're enjoying your October, too :)
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