3 days of no sleep...

Addison Road sings, "Clearly it's time to make a change, or I could keep sitting and waste all day. I know it's time for me to move, I've been given this minute to use..." That's the theme of my year and I want to make sure you read this entire post or don't read any. I don't want any miscommunications :)

So there are several reasons I'm having a crummy week, (the whole family, really...), and I'm in a bad mood:
First and foremost is probably my lonely bed. Because I don't want Allan driving to Dallas on no sleep, he's been on the couch for 3 nights now. That's 3 nights I've gotten next to no sleep, (think a minimum of 2 hours at a time). That's 3 nights I've gotten next to no adult interaction. I push my limits and stay up until 10pm so I can chat with him and then I get up at 5am so I can have coffee with him. That 7 hours is broken up into 3 chunks of maybe 2 hours of sleep. Not cool. When I'm tired, I'm GRUMPY!
These are the kinds of things my middle child does while I'm nursing the baby or otherwise pre-occupied. We call it "reorganizing."

Because in a 21-month-old's world, it makes perfect sense that the potatoes would be stored in the bottom drawer of the oven! They've given me their illness, so if I couldn't keep up with her before, I really can't now, especially since she's feeling better.
She still needs me, because she's still very much a baby, so when I'm not dealing with Corbin and could actually be getting housework done, she must be on me. Therefore, my house is trashed. It's disgusting, really.

For this particular treatment I really needed to feed Vi's face and he was sleeping peacefully, so I rested it on him, but usually I have to hold him upright and listen to him scream for 10 minutes while he breathes in the fumes. I hate when babies cry. Especially when I make them cry and can't NOT make them cry.
Top that with Monday the Talon broke down and I had to go pick Allan up and tow his car home, my friends are all having a hard time, the only coffee in the house tastes like crap, I still have to make sure GraceAnne gets attention/homework done, I still have to at least make sure bugs won't carry our house away, so some maintenance must be done, one of 2 days I get a few hours to myself the teachers called me to pick Vi back up...this goes on and on and on...

...and it's weeks like these I'm POSITIVE that God exists. I don't even start each day fresh, but every moment He refreshes me. He had a conversation with me this morning when I gave up on Him and let my (well-deserved) bad attitude get the better of me. I was being grumpy with my kids and grumpy with my husband and grumpy with God, too. I recall yelling to the sky before getting into the car, "A few more things could go wrong this week, that'd be really cool! HELP ME BEFORE I GO CRAZY!" Here's the dialogue that occurred after that:

God: You know...it's a choice. Your crabiness is a choice.
Me: But everything is just crap right now and I KNOW it could be worse, but it STILL SUCKS!
God: That doesn't make it not a choice.
Me: But (insert long list of crud that's gone on this week) MADE me feel this way.
God: Yes, and you CHOOSE to display that on the outside.
Me: But I deserve to feel upset.
God: You do, but why do you want to?
Me: ...Because I earned the right to be angry...
God: You did, but why do you want to?

How elementary, right? It then occurred to me how gracefully GraceAnne was dealing with my attitude, (she told me, "I'm sorry you don't feel good today, Mommy" when I barked at her this morning) and taking such sweet care of her siblings since I was being a witch. It also occurred to me how on the days she's come home with bad marks at school her day had started with me being grumpy...oh, but I deserve to feel that way! Why do we hold onto our attitudes? I think it's because we're afraid that if we don't display our displeasure on the outside no one will know or care that we're having a hard day. Or maybe they won't notice that we need help. I don't know, but if my 5-year-old can restart every moment with grace, so can I. And I suppose that's why we're to have the faith of a little child.
So why do you think we hold onto our attitudes? It's easy for me sometimes to snap out of it, because I have smiley faces like these:
to soothe and comfort me, but other times I do a lot of damage just because I "earned the right" to be angry. I'd be interested to hear your opinions.

P.S. I took Vi and Corbin to Starbucks so I could get some good coffee for the next few sleepless days and we had a GREAT time! We saw 4 friends and got to have good conversations with all of them. And to think, I was grumbling because there's no drive-thru at our SB here in town. And despite my very obvious exhaustion, I feel GLORIOUS. His grace is sufficient for me!


Gayle said...

Just try to let it go. You are young and healthy, you'll find the energy somewhere. The housework does not matter and neither do elaborate activities with the girls. Sitting on the couch looking at books while resting will get you by. Before you know it Corbin won't be so demanding. I remember when Lucas was born, Olivia was 1.5 and I had five other kids to care for, do homework with and drive to 2 or 3 activities daily. Not every day was a quality day...some of it was just survival, but I made it through. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just think...you're ten years younger that I was during that time. Sometimes you just gotta laugh!

Amy said...

I love it, Tara! I love how you (again) found the brightness in your life, despite your frustration/tiredness.

And I love the last pic of Vi...it SO captures her! :)