First Day of (home)School: Year 2

Today's ending feels very accomplished.  I've struggled for about a month, wondering if I'm "prepared" enough or if I *really* think I can do this, but everytime that negative voice says, "you can't" I pray and combat it with a resounding "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." 

And we did!  The next week or so will be all about finding our groove, so in the meantime we are doing EVERYTHING.  Which meant the longest homeschool day we've had so far, but it was still great.  We had a recess and an afternoon quiet time.

The day started with the girls getting up at 8 and eating breakfast.  I didn't get a picture this year, I was too busy being sure laundry was put in and the school table was cleared off. 

At about 8:30 they were dressed and ready to go.  The first task was to get the itty-bitties schooled.  Which looks like this:

We read a couple stories and then we go over the stuff on the walls, which consists of colors, alphabet, animals, etc.  I really like this structure because 1. I am absolutely sure to go over it.  Other days it doesn't necessarily happen, although it's great intention.  and 2. Violet and Corbin are much more likely to leave GraceAnne and I alone if they've been paid special attention to first thing.

Corbin will be 2 in December and knows several colors already.  Not the least of which is "PEENK!"  hehe



Then we got on with GraceAnne's schooling which includes bible study, handwriting, history, reading, writing, math, geography and this year we've added Spanish.  Today we definitely did too much, but like I said before, that's for stream-lining.  Part of what's amazing about homeschooling is the fact that we can look at GraceAnne's handwriting and decide that she has fabulous penmanship and doesn't need a formal handwriting lesson.  She writes daily, so it won't be a detriment to her.  I love how personal we can be and how intimately I get to know her through this journey.

She found her reader to be a little tough and she was getting frustrated this afternoon.  She really wasn't doing bad at all, but then I reminded her that it is a 4th grade reader and that it had to be in order to challenge her and that I was so proud of her.  She smiled and kept on reading after that.

After she finished her Spanish lesson (God love Rosetta Stone!) I got to take her to get a haircut.  She ended up going shorter than she originally thought she would and getting bangs cut again.  She is growing up so fast!

While we were there, the hair dresser asked, "are you liking school" and GraceAnne nearly hopped of the chair with the biggest smile you ever saw and said, "I LOVE IT!"  The woman seemed surprised and said, "that's great!" and looked at me, amazed.  I told her GraceAnne is homeschooled and she might have needed to pick her jaw up off the ground.  Her face got a little squinty and she said, "Do YOU *love* it?"  And I smiled and said quite truly, "It's tough, but I adore it."

On the way home, GraceAnne and I picked up pizza and soda in glass bottles as a celebratory dinner on the porch.  The family time was nice and the weather here the last 2 days has been heaven-sent after our 60+ days over 100 this summer.  Tonight everyone was bathed and smelled so yummy as we all curled up on the couch to read bedtime stories.  Baby Bliss, I tell you.

Not every day is this good.  I know that surely we will have rough days, but this was a glorious first one and I'm so happy to share it.  I'm so excited at how smart my little ones are.  After having 4, I have to say that it's nothing we've done, but we have been blessed with these smart children.  They all learn so differently and they are all so smart in different areas and they are just different, period.  I am the same old momma with the same old tricks, so I'm grateful for these sweet thangs and the chance to teach them.

Hope the first day of school at your house was just as awesome :)  Love and miss you all!

P.S.  The kids aren't the only ones who learn...Violet taught me this afternoon about an "EAT-A-GATOR."  It starts with an A.  ;)

Regret

There are very few things in life that I regret.  I have always, even before coming to Christ, been the type of person who felt like every moment in my life led to this one, and this one is good, so why regret?

There are some totally awful things I wish never happened, but even those I can accept as turning points-things that changed my life into what it is now...

But it occurs to me after some study, that I have been deceived.  I have always prided myself on being a pretty smart cookie.  (Yes, pride comes before the fall...I'll get there)  I feel like I have a pretty high level of discernment and can pretty well smell BS when it's cooking.  I very much have that "sixth sense" and the proverbial "gut feeling." 

That's not to say I can't be fooled.  My own perceptions typically lead me to believe people think things that never crossed their minds.  Don't we all do that to a certain degree?  "Did you SEE the way she looked at me?  She hates me.  She has never liked me."  When, in reality, she just had a gas bubble and was hoping it wouldn't make a loud noise.

I'm rambling because I'm tired and it's been a long week...

Suffice it to say I let the devil or the world or whoever you'd like to blame trick me.  He tricked me into believing that the number of children I have (or was supposed to have) was a monstrous number and that I would be stupid to want more.  I was lied to and told that I would be at my max capacity for love at this number...maybe my max capacity for fulfillment, happiness, etc.

This week I was 4 days late for my period.  That is the 2nd time that has happened this year (the first was in January).  Both times I tortured myself, wavering between hope and berating myself for being stupid.  I skate a thin line between praying like crazy that I might be redeemed and not wanting to speak to God at all, for fear He's punishing me for last week's laziness.

Let me take a step back and say that is NOT how God works...just how my mind can make things. 

But after I started I sat down with God and I said, "I feel like I'm being punished."
And He said, "I'm not punishing you...you made a choice."
And I thought about all the ways God could over-ride my choice...vasecotmies fail all the time.
And He said, "are you unhappy with your choice?"

And you know what?  I am.  I regret.  And I feel like that stinking unicorn in The Last Unicorn at the end, after she's been human and she feels regret and longing.  And I feel like a melodramatic crazy who no one wants to hear talk anymore.  And I bottle it up inside and even from God, but the minute that I opened up and told Him that I regret, He opened up some answers to me.  This morning I read Galatians 4 and Isaiah 21.  What I love about reading in 2 separate places is that when He is talking to me, it hits me in the face like a 2x4, which is what I need at 6:30am.  If you read the same thing in 2 totally different locations, you can pretty much guess it means something.  Even a non-believer takes notice of something like that.

Both passages talked about satan lying and deceiving people and how God has pains like a woman in labor for His children when they are lied to and stolen from.

Man!! 

And so here I am...still regretting and not knowing what our future holds, (except amazingness!  I know that's in there) but so glad for a God who speaks to me right where I'm at.  Even if it blows to have to admit I've been tricked.

Drought

There is a serious drought going on here.  I'm sure by now most of you have seen it on the news or heard about it somehow, but Texas is about to break its own record for days in a row above 100 degrees.  Last week was nearly unbearable, even for me, with temps over 107.  I'm good until about 105...I've discovered that is my threshhold. 

As it turns out, *most* plants do not like that type of heat.  There are some amazingly resilient plants that thrive here, though.  I've shown pictures before of the Crape Myrtles, which bloom in the hottest part of the summer.  They are currently showing off splashes of pink, purple, red and every color in between all over town.  Despite no water, the pecan trees seem to be in perfect health, with tight green pods busy developing those yummy nuts we'll get to pick in late October.  Though my other plants are choking (I've had to be really careful with these guys, offering them water every night and shade during the hottest parts of the day)

other plants in the garden are absolutely thriving.  Like these guys:

Can you guess what they are?  PEANUTS!!!  These guys are so much fun!  I was spreading some composted manure the other day and accidentally pulled up a developing peanut.  SO CUTE!!  I love planting strange things so we can learn new things.  These guys are also pretty happy:

Since the heat kicked in, this jalapeno plant has been putting out much smaller peppers, but Allan said that if a pepper undergoes stress, it is even hotter.  I imagine these must be the hottest peppers on earth.  HA! 
These guys have required a tad more help and water, but LOVE the sunshine:

That box had sweet corn in it, and was a "three sisters" garden.  That means that the sweet corn takes all the nitrogen out of the soil, the green beans (or any other kind of bean, but we did green beans) "fix" the nitrogen in the soil with the nodules on the roots and also use the corn stalks as trellises and the pumpkin (or any other kind of squash, gourd or low laying vining plant) shades the ground to keep in moisture and crowd out weeds.  The corn is long gone (I left the stalks for the beans) but the pumpkin and beans are happy as ever with water every couple days.  Needless to say, nothing has flowered or produced in quite a while, but with the LOOONG growing season, these guys will have a chance to bear fruit before the first frost in November.  Also note the beautiful asparagus in the back of the box.  I love asparagus and as soon as we expand the garden I think that whole box might end up being full of it!

And then we come to the most lovely part of the garden (though it is all very lovely!)

I thought this guy was long gone, but suddenly the heirloom moon and stars watermelon plant decided to rebound and grow very vigorously.  It's flowering like crazy and it may be too late for it to actually produce any watermelons before the cool evenings come, but it's so beautiful I can't bear to take it out, so there she is...taking up space I'm glad to give her.

Why the garden post?  I haven't made one in a very long time and since NOW is the time for fall planting (crazy right?  I was surely not thinking about fall planting at 107!!) I've been out there a lot and really enjoying God's little garden during a crazy drought.  Some days I feel bad about all the water we're using (don't worry, our town is not under restriction and I only water late in the evening or early in the morning) but since we just have small raised beds, the water is not wasted and also only takes about 20 minutes a day.  We hope to install a grey water collection system soon so that all the laundry and dishes water will be used to water the garden instead of fresh, drinking water. 

So what did you plant in your fall garden or are you not working on one this year?  We've got potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, parsley, brussels sprouts, spinach and sugar snap peas planted so far.  We'll do lettuce, carrots and garlic as the season wears on.  Are you in the DFW area?  How are you dealing with the drought in your garden?  Which of your plants are thriving right now? 

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19 

One last thought...it reminds me very much of a book we read for homeschool last year called A Question of Yams. 
 
"Kuri's father has planted their yams without praying to the spirits. The Head Men insist that the yams must be planted in the right way, but Father declares, "God is mighty," and he continues to plant their garden in the name of Jesus Christ. Kuri can't help wondering whether the Head Men are right. Are the spirits punishing him and his family? If the yams don't grow, what will they eat? Does he dare to be like Father and trust only in God? The day comes at last when Kuri must decide."

In the book there is a drought and all of the village people believe they are being cursed because Kuri's father didn't pray to the spirits.  They chant for rain and wait, but it never comes and their yams dry up, but Kuri's father sees that God is good because in the midst of the drought  the stream is still running.  They bring water to the garden every day and end up with yams to spare!  LOVE that picture!  True story, by the way.  Great book if you ever want to read it, too.

Love and miss you all!

Scars

So it has been a year since we found out that our baby would not be joining us on this earth.  You can read a little about it HERE if you're new or want a refresher.

I would rather be holding Josiah today than anything else in the world...nursing him and watching the 3 here give him kisses and talk about how cute he is.  But you know God...He's not going to let me dwell on the hurt for too long.  I have to look back and see all that IS because Josiah didn't come to us.

There would have been no trip to Haiti if it meant me being home with a 3 month old and 3 kids by myself for 10 days. 

And I can tell you that these kids lives were changed by my loving husband...no less than his was changed by them.

Diaper Solutions would not exist.  Nor the class that it was created for...Childbirth & Beyond.  I'm going to be teaching young moms about childbirth, natural parenting techniques and just generally loving on them and sharing the love Christ gives to me.  Words can't describe how excited I am about this class, either.

Friends...man...I've been a whiny brat this last week and God has brought to mind all the amazing people who have loved on me since last August...Melissa went through a loss with me and guided me and loved on me and I've witnessed her restoration and praise God for her and her testimony. 

Countless people have shared their losses with me, and I pray healed just a bit because of my all-too-often complete openness. 

Tristine, Sharie, Heather and Shanna are 4 I would not have met had we not lost Josiah.  And I'm so grateful for each and every one of them.  Tristine and Shanna are friends I've had the pleasure of meeting "IRL" and who will do ministry with me in this new class.  Sharie and Heather are friends who bless me from afar with their kindness and generosity and love when I'm going out of my mind and don't know where else to go. (When I'm too stubborn to turn to God first)

Renae, Jeff, Hope, Mary, Amy, Lisa, Trish...these are just a few friends I had prior to Josiah's departure who have pulled in even closer to me, despite my pain. 

The rawness and subsequent healing has really improved my relationships with almost everyone.  It would be impossible for me to list all the ways my life is better now than it was a year ago.  If nothing else, our loss has gotten me to read my bible and pray more faithfully and fervently and well, that is more than enough.  The rest is just icing on the cake.  "All this He does only because He is my loving Father; not because I have earned or deserve it." -Martin Luther

Do you remember that picture?  I took it when I took my weekend away last year.  I have stored in my heart a conversation with God I had that day and I don't think I ever shared it here....I'd like to share that now.  To everyone who has heard my diatribe this last week, I'm sorry.  Thank you for loving me through the hard times.  This story has become very clear to me once more.

I was hiking some pretty trecherous terrain up there, much of it steep and rocky.  I'm not very "in shape" and especially wasn't then, having been pregnant or nursing for the better part of 3 years.  The conversation was very childish, but here it is:
Me: "Oh Lord, please don't let me fall out here!"
God: "and if you do fall?  What then?"
Me: "I might get hurt..what if I bust my knee open?"
God: "then I'll pick you up and it will heal."
Me: "but then I'll have a scar."
God: "and?"
Me: "and then I'll have it to look at and always remember the time You let me fall and get hurt."
God: "or you'll always remember the time you fell and I picked you up and healed you."

Words can't describe how much I fell even further in love with my Lord and Savior that weekend.  I'm sorry to everyone who hates constantly reading about it here, but I have found the most wonderful gift...freedom and love and peace when I might have something less and what kind of a friend would I be if I did not share that? 

I love you all and I thank you each from the bottom of my heart for loving me through all of this.  For everyone who has given us prayers, condolences and hugs through this last year-thank you.  I pray you know that you will always remind me (even if we don't speak now) of the time God picked me up and healed me.  I know there will be hard days still...days I cry for my baby, but I'm so grateful for all I have despite the loss. 

Hugs and love to you all.

Time Suck

I think sometimes I live in a time vacuum.  It's a strange dichotomy, where days stretch on and on and I can not talk to someone for just a day or so and feel like I haven't talked to them in "forever."  This is probably partly because we live in a digital world, where we can send and recieve messages at a moment's notice and most everyone is only an armslength away from being contacted. 

On the other side of it I can look back and realize, "wow...Friday will be one year since we found out the baby was gone."  And it doesn't seem like it, because sometimes it pricks my heart just the same way it did a whole year ago. 

But here I stand...light years from where I was.  A million conversations that happened "forever ago" [last month] but a pain that is still so real a "whole year" later. 

And before anyone starts talking to me about how I should or shouldn't be or feel or talk, just forget it.  I've heard enough of everyone else's opinions on the subject lately.  If you'd like to show some compassion, I'd love to see it.  Because these days have seemed hopelessly devoid of it from people. 

But it all serves a purpose, because it's days/weeks/months like these that remind me of my true need for a loving, kind, forgiving God.  I'm so imperfect and I'm so selfish and flawed and not at all what everyone else needs me to be.  But I can rest in that place that is filled by the cross.  Praise God for that...I remember feeling like I might drown before I found Him.  I remember crying daily and feeling completely hopeless and worthless, but now I can cry and move on because every moment has a cross leading to the next-a cross that offers fresh starts and new beginnings.  I don't have to keep being the same pathetic creature this afternoon that I was this morning just because I already messed the day up.  Each minute is a new minute to start over. Now I can cry and move on because I know of my hope and worth in Him.

But sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I don't restart for a few days.  I sure wish that would be okay for some people.  But I'm not here to serve people, am I? 

Mindless ramble, I know.  Sorry.  I'm sure I'll have another on Friday or a little after that.  Keep the faith...the pastor found Allan's camera in his truck that we borrowed, so I will have pictures from Haiti soon.  So much going on...VBS, preparing to teach a childbirth class to pregnant teens, preparing for a new homeschool year with TWO students, a few minor home improvements, etc. etc. etc.  So many GOOD and WONDERFUL gifts from my Father. 

Haiti

It seems like time eludes me in the summer, and I'm not sure why because we mostly just relax.  Yet somehow , the hot days seem to melt away faster without more than a second thought of doing dishes (my kitchen is a disaster) or of blogging.

Normally I wouldn't feel so apologetic, but this time I have some very wonderful people who deserve thanks and pictures of Allan's trip to Haiti.  People who donated money or, even more importantly, prayed for him.  I have been looking forward to posting a follow-up for how it went since March, when he decided to go and we started fundraising, but here we are, 1 week out and I haven't managed to sit down and put the pictures together.

So yesterday I was determined to get it done and I even pulled up blogger and started to type.  But when I looked around for Allan's camera I remembered I haven't seen it since we went to Dallas for the 4th.  And neither has he.

What's kind of funny (in a sick-to-my-stomach way) is that Allan gave the chip to our pastor before church to show pictures during the service.  After church Jeff said, "I promise I won't lose it."  Then he got a real strange look on his face and said, "that was a stupid thing to say.  In fact, I'm going to give it back to you, because if I lost your pictures, I would feel terrible."  AAAAAAAND, then we went and lost it the following day.  It probably would have been safer with him!!

Hopefully we'll find it, I'm going to call the fairgrounds tomorrow to see if anyone turned it in.  Since I have no pictures, you'll just have to do with a quick worded summary.

Allan and Jeff (our pastor, if you didn't catch that earlier) left 2 Fridays ago at 4am.  The flight was VERY early.  They were in Haiti that evening and everything was going well.  Jeff has had a nasty cough for about a month now and it was slightly better, so that was definitely an answered prayer.  Unfortunately the cough got worse after a couple of days and Jeff came home a little early so that he could go to the Dr.  We are happy to report he is still coughing slightly, but doing MUCH better.

They worked in 3 orphanages, but their hearts were all captivated by one in particular.  The woman who runs that orphanage is named Cloonie.  She takes care of about 35 children and is up at 4:30 every morning singing praises to Christ while making breakfast for the kids.  She goes to bed very late and ends the day with more praises.  During the day she never sits down and always has a smile on her lips and song on her voice.  The children are all very happy and well behaved.  The guys interviewed her and we got to see part of that interview last Sunday.  Three things she said cut me to the bone.

When asked how she began the orphanage and how she manages, she gave the history and then said, "If God tells me to GO, He will not let me go."  I realize that could read 2 ways, but she meant that He will never leave her without since He told her to do this.

When asked what stresses her out she said, "that the children don't get proper nutrition." 

When asked the difference between an American Christian and a Haitian Christian she said, "American Christians chase after too much stuff.  In Haiti, we have nothing, so we only chase God for our every need." 

Wow.  I truly wish I could show you the pictures of the wide smiles on these children's faces.  Jeff said that for dinner, they would place a large mixing bowl in the center of the table with beans and rice and there would be one spoon.  The chlidren would all line up and as their turn came, eat one spoonful and then move to the back of the line.  Each child was lucky to get a few spoonsful.  A different child each night would get a whole bowl full.  My guess would be that she wanted to be sure they had a full meal at some point in time. 

The guys all agreed the heat was unlike anything they'd experienced before.  That's saying a lot when it's been near 100 for the last several weeks here.  But in Haiti it is around 85 and very, very humid.  Allan said you would finish with your sponge bath and in the time it took you to get your clothes, you were drenched with sweat again. 

Haiti is a country in desperate need of Christ's love, but with a lot to offer.  There are currently over 700,000 documented orphans in Haiti.  The ones in the orphanages are lucky...many are sold into slavery.  It used to be called the "Pearl of the Carribean" because of their lush rice, sugar and coffee fields, but is now very desolate thanks to 30 years of horribly corrupt government.  Allan was struck by how amazing the government buildings must have been at one time, but now they are abandoned and falling apart, (due to the earthquake).  I shudder to think of how easily that could be us. 

Jeff and Allan were both quite struck with how busy everyone in Haiti is.  They said that no one could be considered lazy, each person has their own "business" even if that means breaking a container of Oreos down into smaller packages and selling them to earn an extra few cents off the package.  Despite the thousands of tents an astronomical number of Haitians call home, there seems to be much hope and joy. 

Both guys hope to go back within the next year to help Cloonie establish a garden inside of the orphanage compound and to help establish a waste management prototype that will help raise money for the orphanage.  We thank each of you so very much for your support and prayers.  We ask that you will continue to be in prayer for this ministry and for Haiti and for Cloonie.  (and maybe even that we'll find the camera...)

Love to you all!

A year ago this morning...

I've been MIA lately because I'm working on something amazing and I am so excited to share it!  Lots of you have seen my store site: http://diapersolutions.org  I'm also working on a 13 week class curriculum to teach young girls about childbirth, nursing, baby wearing, cloth diapering and general parenting.  I'll bring details over here now and again, but it's taking just about every spare moment right now, so I don't have a whole lot of time for recreational writing.  I have something on my mind today, though.

A year ago this morning I got up before the kids, as usual.  It was a Sunday and Allan was already at church since he is the sound guy.  A small voice in my heart nudged me to take a pregnancy test, since it had been over a month since I stopped nursing our son and still no period. 

Allan had been scheduled for a vasectomy in May and even after days on the phone with all the necessary people and having all our ducks in a row, when we got to the clinic to have the procedure, they turned us away citing insurance problems.  The next available date was not until August.  We kinda knew then what was coming, but we prevented and *I* truly did not want anymore children.  I did not think it was possible for my heart to hold anymore children.

So I peed on that stick and, of course, saw a second line.  I am not ashamed to tell you that I was shaking and shed some tears.  I put my head in my hands and asked God WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO!?  The house is already chaos, I am not a good mother to the children I have...the littany of negativity was oppressive.  I heard Him say, "be still.  and know that I am God." 

I scrambled to my phone.  I needed Allan to be home RIGHT.NOW.  I was terrified of what he'd think.  Would he be angry, would he become depressed?  He hadn't even expected to have 1 more child after Rhiya, let alone FOUR.  He was being generous by allowing me 3 kids, but surely this would be too much.  I dialed his number and pressed call.  Then I heard a familiar ring downstairs.  Of course...Allan had left his phone at home.  He does every Sunday.

So I came downstairs with the pee stick in hand and sat at the chair in front of the computer and cried some more, wondering how I would get Allan home so we could talk before church.  The kids were all three upstairs, asleep.  I thanked God for that, since I was a wreck.  I really could not figure out how this was going to pan out.  Even though it shouldn't have, this caught me so off guard.

It dawned on me to call someone who would also be at church with him, so I mentally went through the list of band members and decided Beth would be the most respectful of my need and the most likely to not talk about the call after Allan left.  I called her phone and prayed that she would pick up.  She did and I tried so hard to sound brave, but my voice broke as soon as I started to talk.  I asked her to please tell Allan I needed him home now.  She asked if everything was okay and I told her "it will be.  I just need Allan."  She relayed the message and hung up and I waited for 5 minutes with baited breath.  I was sure he'd be angry and yell.  I can only attribute my apprehension to the devil playing mind games with me.  My husband has never, EVER been upset when I've announced a pregnancy, not even the first time when I pulled him away from a family reunion and changed all his plans.

He walked in the door and I was still sitting in my chair in the kitchen.  The stick was long dry and sitting on the keyboard table in front of me, with its two lines blazing pink back at me.  He was noticeably concerned, wondering if something had happened.  Was I hurt?  Were the kids okay?  yes...yes...everything is alright.  I handed him the stick and cringed, like he might throw it at me and he looked at it, seemed relieved and asked what was wrong.

I broke into sobs and blurted "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?"  He seemed surprised by my outburst and I will never forget what he did next.

He smiled a broad smile, opened his arms to me and said, "I guess this means I have to be nice to you now."  And I laughed through my tears.  And my heart opened up.  And my life changed.  And now I wish I had that moment back and that baby and a half a dozen other babies.

I am so grateful for my loving husband, who breaks down all my barriers and surprises me daily.  I am so grateful for my loving God, who gives me good gifts I am not entitled to and even when I might not go on, reminds me that He is there to comfort me.  I am so grateful for each baby that has graced the inside of my womb...all 5 of them! even if only for a little while.  The doctors told me I would probably not even have one and knowing that I've carried FIVE is a huge testament to me of how big my God is.  I am so grateful for this place He has brought me to.  Right here.  Right now.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRACIE-RAYNE!!

Today our sweet girl turned 7.  Where does the time go??  I didn't have a lot of time to plan a party this year, so we told her that we would just take her to Build-a-Bear and Justice to pick out an outfit and that would be her birthday party.  She was good with that, but didn't know we had a small surprise waiting.

First stop was the mall to Build-a-Bear.

Or in this case, a bunny.

Vi took one off the shelf already stuffed and we had to let her carry it around with her and pretend it was hers.  We didn't need any melt-downs until afterward.

Then we all kissed the heart and sang happy birthday to it.

Note the bears above Allan's head.  CUTE!

The girls washed and blow dried their animals.

Little man tried on the bears' duds...

...while big sister put her bunny's new duds on.

And she even got spoiled with the birthday cupcake especially for BAB.

And then we had the staff embarrass the crud out of her by gathering the whole store around and singing to her.  We had 2 other birthday kids in there while we were there, too.  June 15 is an awesome day to have a birthday!

While we were at Build-a-Bear, my battery light started blinking, so I had to choose the absolute best moments for a picture.  Here they are:

Since we told her she wasn't getting a party, we got a cookie at a bakery instead and shoved a candle in it and sang happy birthday again.  She loved her cookie and so did the little ones!

And then we went to Justice, where I thought she might be able to get a SHIRT with her $30 g/c, but everything she wanted was on sale, so she scored a shirt (complete with horse...as requested!) and pair of jammie pants, a cupcake pillow for birthday guests to sign, (unplanned, but worked out VERY well!) and a necklace with a couple of magnetic charms.  Since I got off scott free there (thank you Aunt Trish!) I got the kids a Jamba Juice to share. 

For dinner, "Chinese food" was requested.  I put that in quotation marks because her idea of Chinese is white rice, sweet & sour chicken without the sauce and little Chinese donuts.  HA!  But it made her very happy.  Then we had to get stealthy and head on over to church.

The kids went out to do their summer play-time thing and Livia and I got busy decorating for the horse party that was originally requested.  It was spur of the moment, but Livia made it look fantastic!  We have the neatest group of people at our church.  The kids usually have devotional after play-time, but tonight they came in and SURPRISED my girl.

She hid in that bucket when they first came in and everyone yelled SURPRISE! but she was so excited.

Everyone lined up around her and sang and it was great.  I couldn't have done any better if I had planned it in advance.

Can you see the cake?  I laughed when I went to order it because the horse is a Build-a-Bear horse.  I assure you, that irony did not escape the 7-year-old.

See the adorable table settings?  Livia has serious talent :)  She made it all up with stuff we had laying around the church, as usual.

And her balloon bouquet.  And that's all the pictures I got, but during the time everyone was eating cake and ice cream, my sweet girl ran up to me and gave me HUGE hugs about 5 times and kept saying "Thank you SO MUCH, Mommy!"  And she finally told me at the end of the night "This was the BEST birthday EVER!"  I've heard that every year she's been able to talk and I pray I keep hearing it every year from now on.

We love you, Gracie-Rayne.  You make our lives interesting and keep us laughing!  Thank you for your joy and your heart and your amazing ways of looking at life. <3

Dog Woes

Do you have pets?  What is your favorite kind of pet?  For me...ducks are my all-time favorite.  They're easy, they're hilariously entertaining, they don't need me to give them their sense of identity.  Second favorite is cats.  Cats are a step above ducks because they sit in your lap and purr and let you pet them, but they're a step down because they crap in a box I have to clean up. 

But lots of people are "dog people."  Hubbs included.  I never have been...not ever.  I see the benefits, I do!  They can be cute, they certainly offer a high level of companionship (I call it being up my arse, but whatev) they can be trained to keep watch of the house or to do awesome things like herd sheep or cattle or save little boys from the well.

Despite all the amazingness dogs can offer, I have done well to keep far, far away from the desire for one.  Sure, the *idea* of a family dog appealed to me from time to time, but I never let the idea lead to desire.  But even an icy heart like mine can be softened...enter a lost baby and an inability to "replace" that baby and when my eldest CRIED tears as we left the WalMart parking lot in Arkansas without a puppy, I choked up and I asked Hubbs to turn back for that sweet, calm white puppy.

Then there were the vet bills-which amounted to about as much as we spend on gas in a month because he was eaten up with fleas and worms and needed shots out the wazoo.

Then it was too cold outside for him (he was not allowed inside full-time until he was trained to stay out from under Hubbs prosthesis.  It is better for the dog this way, I promise) and we had to buy a dog house.

Then it thawed and his poop turned our oasis of a backyard into a mine field of funk.

Then the humping and the next ginormous vet bill of having him neutered.

Then the digging holes in the yard, which led to spankings, nose rubbings and a general dislike on Hubbs part.

Then the chewing of EVERYTHING.

Which led to me feeling bad and asking for 6 weeks, while I took the dog to training (another massive expense we really didn't need) to whip him into a Lassie.  But here we are...5 weeks later...

Why yes...that *is* the insulation they JUST blew in with the new gas pipes.  That's just the latest in Johnny's insulation eating career...he's also eaten the insulation to the water pipes in the guest house (which caused the pipes to freeze) and the insulation off of the a/c units outside.  And yes...he has MANY chew toys.  I've spent a small fortune on dog toys.

What is your breaking point?  At what point do you say, "it's over, dog.  You must find a new place to live."  Is it after he runs away 2x in one week?  Is it after he snaps at your husband or herds your children by nipping their ankles and wrists?  Is it when he eats your kids' toys?

Nah...I prayed through all of those things.  I've begged and pleaded with God to give me compassion and love for Johnny.  He has come through with flying colors (of course!).  He has heaped it on me and despite my serious irritation with Johnny over the last 9 months, I've always bounced back, determined to "make it work."  I've rationalized and conceded and spent way more money on that dog than I've even spent on myself.

But I can't rationalize this:

Note the giant hole and the mud streaks.
That one is completely unsalvageable because, near as I can tell, Johnny ATE the piece of fabric that belongs in that hole.  It's nowhere.  Not in the yard, not in his house, nowhere.
This one I stitched back, oh yes I did. 

See the stitching?  I used a brown thread because it's what I had and I needed to fix it so I could stop crying over it.

It would be different if it were the first time.  Or the second time.  It'd be different if we hadn't been specifically training him to NOT do this for the last 3 weeks.  It'd be different if he didn't destroy things I can't replace.

So here I am-left feeling guilty and awful because every dog-lover's criticism I've ever heard is playing in my head OVER and OVER.  Rhiya's plea that we "CAN'T get rid of THIS ONE."  Pat's considering him such a family member that she included him in her Christmas letter for GOODNESS SAKES!  Gracie-Rayne's tears when he ran away last week, Vi's smile when the dumb dog comes in the house.  And mostly...Little Man.  Johnny is the brother Little Man should have.  They wrestle and play and do things that boys do together.  And it breaks me.  And maybe that's what I'm *really* crying about. 

I feel like I'm losing another dream and it sucks.  Something inside me is begging, "just wait until he's a year old.  Just wait a few more weeks.  But I don't know if I can handle losing more to this dog.  He's eaten the straps out of Little Man's swing, he's chewed the mirrors off of the power wheel, he got into our garage and ate my stockpile.  He's run the grass down and killed my flowers.  ARGH!

This is getting an abrupt stop right now.  I'm not sure what else I can say. 

What a weekend!

What do you mean it's only just begun?  The last couple days have been SO busy my brain is just totally fried right now.  On the PRAISE GOD front, the plumbers finished up giving us all new gas pipes yesterday.  We were a week without hot water, but now we're back up and running.  All things considered, we didn't get very far behind.  Like I said before, we actually really enjoyed handwashing the dishes and the diapers with hot water from the coffee pot.  There is something very calming about doing what you have to do.  Of course, now that I've been able to use my dishwasher and my washing machine for the diapers, I've been extra sure to shoot up thanks over and over for how blessed our lives are.  Here's how the house looked for a few days:

Keepin' muh boy outta there?  Not fun.

We were really a little nervous about the bill, but he had given us a slight fore-warning and God pressed on someone's heart to help us (I would love to get into details, but I won't for our angels' sakes...if they give permission I will tell the story publicly) so we were mostly just praying that it wouldn't be more than the amount he quoted us.  We braced ourselves, though, because the workers were here an extra day and had to replace all the upstairs piping, too.  They didn't think they would have to.  So suffice it to say, as the supervisor came up my walk this morning, my spirit was a little oppressed.  But he handed me the bill and it was $50 less than what he had quoted me!  PRAISE GOD!



Everything was put together again just in the knick of time because this weekend is the annual historic district garage sale in our town.  We usually go all out (I used to coupon and would have tons of stockpile stuff to sell with my friend Amy) but this year we toned it down.  I set up today, but only with the leftover bows from our Haiti fundraiser and the cupcakes in a jar I'm making to sell at Farmer's Market tomorrow, too.  All the money raised will go to send the 3rd missionary to Haiti.  I updated the ticker above and will update it again after tomorrow.

These are the S'more flavor with marshmallows rolled in cinnamon, graham crackers and the cupcake crumbs.

I made S'more, Mocha-ccino and Lemonade Angel Cake this time.  If they sell well this weekend, I'll make other flavors later on. 

And then of course there's the usual busy-ness of Saturdays with taking the dog to training.  Gracie-Rayne is ever the lucky one and gets to go to Hawaiian Falls with the other kids from church because she volunteered to help with a banquet earlier in the year.  She is super stoked.  We also plan to drop off about 4 huge boxes of books to Hastings to see if we can sell them.  As usual we're on a mission to down-size even more.  Someday we'll have a house with nothing in it but beds. (and diapers...LOTS of diapers.  HA!)

I had a great laugh today when Vi and little man were running into the kitchen begging for bites of cold turkey.  Violet took a bite and said, "DUH-LISH-US!"  Most of the time when she speaks you have to be *really* listening to her to understand.  She is incredibly intelligent and understands everything you say, right down to inflection...she even uses phrases you'd never imagine would come out of a 3-year-old's mouth, but she mumbles a lot.  Lately, though, she's been popping up with words that sound more like they came out of the 6-year-old's mouth, and you can't help but smile when you turn around and realize who it was.  Anyway, she said it so much (I was getting her to say it so Hubbs could hear!) that little man started saying "ISH-USH"  (Cue: AWWWWW!)  It was so sweet!

They light up my life!

Unfortunately I don't have anything amazingly witty or insightful tonight.  Like my mom would say, "not everything has to be dramatic."  I do have a couple more pictures to share, though, because he's just about the most precious creature on planet earth.  (Just about...we have 3 others)

We might have problems with this kid one day...WOO-HEE!

For the record, the t-shirt slung around his shoulders was totally his own idea.  That's  his idea of fashion.

 See the eye shape??  That is ALL Maynard.  None of my kids have ANYTHING of mine (uhhh....except my witty charm) except Corbin who is 99.9% Daddy--BUT THAT EYE SHAPE!  Oh yeah!  I snuck something in there somewhere.  I bet when we get to heaven and meet those 2 babies we lost, they will look just like their Momma.  But if not, that's okay, cuz they come out pretty darned precious lookin' like Hubbs ;)

Wordless Wednesday

I've never participated in one of these before.  Here goes: