A year ago this morning...

I've been MIA lately because I'm working on something amazing and I am so excited to share it!  Lots of you have seen my store site: http://diapersolutions.org  I'm also working on a 13 week class curriculum to teach young girls about childbirth, nursing, baby wearing, cloth diapering and general parenting.  I'll bring details over here now and again, but it's taking just about every spare moment right now, so I don't have a whole lot of time for recreational writing.  I have something on my mind today, though.

A year ago this morning I got up before the kids, as usual.  It was a Sunday and Allan was already at church since he is the sound guy.  A small voice in my heart nudged me to take a pregnancy test, since it had been over a month since I stopped nursing our son and still no period. 

Allan had been scheduled for a vasectomy in May and even after days on the phone with all the necessary people and having all our ducks in a row, when we got to the clinic to have the procedure, they turned us away citing insurance problems.  The next available date was not until August.  We kinda knew then what was coming, but we prevented and *I* truly did not want anymore children.  I did not think it was possible for my heart to hold anymore children.

So I peed on that stick and, of course, saw a second line.  I am not ashamed to tell you that I was shaking and shed some tears.  I put my head in my hands and asked God WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO!?  The house is already chaos, I am not a good mother to the children I have...the littany of negativity was oppressive.  I heard Him say, "be still.  and know that I am God." 

I scrambled to my phone.  I needed Allan to be home RIGHT.NOW.  I was terrified of what he'd think.  Would he be angry, would he become depressed?  He hadn't even expected to have 1 more child after Rhiya, let alone FOUR.  He was being generous by allowing me 3 kids, but surely this would be too much.  I dialed his number and pressed call.  Then I heard a familiar ring downstairs.  Of course...Allan had left his phone at home.  He does every Sunday.

So I came downstairs with the pee stick in hand and sat at the chair in front of the computer and cried some more, wondering how I would get Allan home so we could talk before church.  The kids were all three upstairs, asleep.  I thanked God for that, since I was a wreck.  I really could not figure out how this was going to pan out.  Even though it shouldn't have, this caught me so off guard.

It dawned on me to call someone who would also be at church with him, so I mentally went through the list of band members and decided Beth would be the most respectful of my need and the most likely to not talk about the call after Allan left.  I called her phone and prayed that she would pick up.  She did and I tried so hard to sound brave, but my voice broke as soon as I started to talk.  I asked her to please tell Allan I needed him home now.  She asked if everything was okay and I told her "it will be.  I just need Allan."  She relayed the message and hung up and I waited for 5 minutes with baited breath.  I was sure he'd be angry and yell.  I can only attribute my apprehension to the devil playing mind games with me.  My husband has never, EVER been upset when I've announced a pregnancy, not even the first time when I pulled him away from a family reunion and changed all his plans.

He walked in the door and I was still sitting in my chair in the kitchen.  The stick was long dry and sitting on the keyboard table in front of me, with its two lines blazing pink back at me.  He was noticeably concerned, wondering if something had happened.  Was I hurt?  Were the kids okay?  yes...yes...everything is alright.  I handed him the stick and cringed, like he might throw it at me and he looked at it, seemed relieved and asked what was wrong.

I broke into sobs and blurted "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?"  He seemed surprised by my outburst and I will never forget what he did next.

He smiled a broad smile, opened his arms to me and said, "I guess this means I have to be nice to you now."  And I laughed through my tears.  And my heart opened up.  And my life changed.  And now I wish I had that moment back and that baby and a half a dozen other babies.

I am so grateful for my loving husband, who breaks down all my barriers and surprises me daily.  I am so grateful for my loving God, who gives me good gifts I am not entitled to and even when I might not go on, reminds me that He is there to comfort me.  I am so grateful for each baby that has graced the inside of my womb...all 5 of them! even if only for a little while.  The doctors told me I would probably not even have one and knowing that I've carried FIVE is a huge testament to me of how big my God is.  I am so grateful for this place He has brought me to.  Right here.  Right now.