It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to

I haven't been here in a while. Partly because our life is so insanely busy, even though Allan quit his job, but partly because I feel guilty subjecting people to my whining. But...then I realized I don't force anyone to read and it's my blog, so I'll cry if I want to.

Overall things are good. Corbin's eye seems better, it still gets red but doesn't puff up. He'll have the stint removed in January. Violet is learning so much every day and GraceAnne is loving homeschool. In fact, we're leaving this week and she said she doesn't want to go because she will miss school too much. Being as we've only gotten through 5 weeks in the last two months, I agree with her, but I'm glad she likes it. It has been good for us to work together and learn so much from each other.

Allan's mom came to help with the kids while I was in NY and I had an AMAZING time there. I learned so much and met some super great people. I am so grateful for the experience! Allan took 2/3 of his board exams to become a certified prosthetist and he's elated to not have the work monkey on his back right now.

The house will be on the market as of Wednesday. I'm SO nervous. On the one hand I want it to sell so we can go make our dreams come true, but on the other hand I'm scared/sad to leave. I LOVE this house! I love most everything about it. Life is moving so fast and I'm not ready. I find myself digging my heels in, demanding a slower pace and being sleepy A LOT. I don't know what the future looks like AT ALL and while it's exciting, it's also terrifying. I have a mantra along the lines of "God wants good for us. God wants good for us." So it can't be that bad.

I wish I could say I don't miss the baby anymore, but I do. Terribly. I wish I could say it no longer stings to hear a woman say, "March" when I ask her when she's due. I wish I could say I'm not sad when I look at the jar full of change that we raided to save our sanity in October, knowing we won't be taking any trip in March. I wish I could say I'm not disappointed that I have no drive to continue running. But I'd be lying if I said any of those things. Corbin is getting so big and he's walking all over the place now. It just seems wrong. He's getting big so fast and life is moving so fast and I can't catch a minute of it. I feel like I sit here in perpetual pause as far as my emotions are concerned and life flies past me at a speed I can't quite comprehend. I wake up each day with the intent to feel differently, to move on, to run at the speed of my family and friends...some days it works, other days I fall down.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind most days. Everything piles up around me and I feel like I'm drowning. I have no idea how to word things and I used to take such pride in my writing/speaking abilities. I feel like I've lost a piece of myself, a piece of my soul, along with the baby. Every month I know when I'm ovulating and I find myself wishing and then I remember we can't have babies. Sure--if God feels like Blessing us with more children, He can definitely do it, but I just don't think that's happening. It's a much harder road than I ever imagined. I pray someone else finds some peace in realizing they are not alone. This doesn't seem to be good for much else.
Anyway, I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't pen that, so there it is. I'm going to put some pictures up for you now to redeem myself. Love and miss you all. Praying you have a FABULOUS Thanksgiving and that you have lots of thanks to give. I know I do, and I go down my list daily to keep my perspective.

I don't think I posted any pix of them in their costumes!

Me and my new friend Karie and EBV-F in NY. I miss her!!

In his Syracuse shirt. SO CUTE! I love dressing a little boy :D

me and my hunny-bear.


Anonymous said...

Hang in there girl...God has a plan for you and your family! Love ya girl~~Jennifer

Mandy said...

T, Don't push yourself to "get over it" sometimes going through the motions is what you have to do. Think about you a lot! Give my love to your family xoxo


Gayle said...

It's hard to believe you are selling the house that you worked so hard on. It seems like you just moved into it. Did I miss the story about where you are going?

Karie said...

I know how you feel, in a different way, obviously. I'm pretty sure it's the same feeling, though. You get stuck in the moment the Mack truck hit you and everyone else seems to be moving mach speed ahead when you aren't ready to let it go yet. I don't think you ever "get over it", it just gets easier to accept. And I also think it's ok to hold on until you're ready to let go. Much love EBV-F sister. :)