How long does it take to "lose one's mind?" I have always felt as though I were half-mad. I always wondered when I might finally *snap.* People have said I am strong. Stronger than they. I always denied that, because I didn't ask to have these crazy things happen to me. I simply showed up to life, cocked my head to the side and stood there waiting while everyone else scattered. That, my friends, is not strength. That, my friends, is my personal brand of autism.
That's right. I'm autistic. And I have never heard a word used to describe me with more relief.
I think anyone would find if they stuck their necks out or if they just allowed these things to happen to them, they would be "strong" too, because what is the alternative? The alternative is death. We bend and sway with life or she breaks us in two.
And yet we have fragile minds. How long does it take to "go crazy?" Is there a set length of time? Is it different for every person? Are there people on earth who can endure everything and never snap? Are those people stronger than the rest of us? Are those people more valuable?
I don't know. I don't think so. But I will tell you, it took me two weeks to completely lose my mind.
It was February of 2013. On a Friday our hoped for, prayed for adoption fell through while we were on vacation. On Saturday we had to take our littles to the emergency room in a strange town. On Monday we got a call that a couple of kids needed our help. Since we were licensed as a foster home and we wouldn't be bringing a little boy home after all, we said yes.
We opened our arms and our door and in walked two kids in desperate need of love and a safe place to recuperate. In the following two weeks we learned that this particular case was one of the most difficult the case workers had seen. In those two weeks we had record snows that trapped us in our home for days on end several times. All state offices were closed, so there was rarely any help available. We threw our energies at these kids who soaked it up and begged for more and threw more and more loops.
In that time we learned of a very severe addiction that runs along the vein of my most severe trigger that sent me into a spiral. I spent the next two months in complete survival mode. I don't remember many emotions from that time. Horror after horror washed over. Despite watching my foster-daughter and step-daughter get baptized on my birthday, (joy of joys! be still my heart!) I felt no joy in my heart. I survived on knowing we were doing good. I survived on knowing I would be rescued eventually, even if that rescue looked like death.
Corbin spending a week at Children's hospital last March was rough. But honestly the hardest part was not being able to FEEL the pain. All I could do was wait for a rare moment alone to cry out and writhe, but I didn't feel much outside of deep confusion and searing anger. Any emotions I did feel had to be pushed down, so that I didn't freak everyone else out. I had 5 kids riding on my ability to keep my head about me and I couldn't let them down.
And I fell further into the rabbit hole. When Allan got transferred to New York I couldn't leave fast enough. I was terrified but I was so very relieved. I spent the summer shell-shocked. Northern New York woo-ed me, and yet I felt almost nothing the entire time I was there. I was floating. I was drifting. I thought I was re-charging, but when autumn came and Allan left, the thinly veiled calm was gone, too. I think a big part of the reason Disney is such a great memory is that it's such a bright spot amongst so much scorched earth.
***As I was debating publicizing this at all, I confided in a friend that I just didn't want it to sound like I haven't had any happiness in the last year, because I totally have...she described them as the occasional happy dream in a long, hard slumber. So there you have it. Straight from someone who has walked with me through this dreamscape ;) ***
And so the question may not be how long does it take to lose one's mind. The better question for me became "How long will it take until my soul can once again rest?" Once the kids and I got back to Missouri (because there was ZERO way I was going to be able to roadschool or well, do much but survive, frankly...) I found a PTSD counselor and a physical therapist and saw a dozen other doctors about all my stomach issues...not one helped things get any better until finally it clicked that I "get" Violet because we are alike and I sought out a therapist to confirm my suspicions. She said the words, "You are pretty Aspie..." and the world looked like there might be some hope again. But that was back in February...it still took this many more months to feel like I could tackle emotions again.
How's that work? Well, desperate for some help with my serious attitude issues, I finally went to a reiki practitioner. I won't get into it, but basically it's Hippie Dippie stuff and it's right up my alley. I felt good after that session, but the change came the next morning-at 4am-when my son ran into my room and touched my arm and asked if he could *please* lay in my bed with me. I told him to go get his pillow and he ran off to get it.
OH THE JOY FLOODING THROUGH ME for the little pitterpat of my boy. I felt so much love *finally* flowing through me again and I couldn't believe it. It was *then* that I realized I hadn't felt REAL joy in over a year. I had a serious emotional block that I couldn't manage to kick no matter how hard I tried.
And here I am. Still living a very stressful life that most find daunting at best, but embarking on another journey. It's hard. And it's sad sometimes. It's also full of opportunities for joy. And I'm just happy I can feel *all* of those emotions again. The Red Queen is behind me for now and I'm re-learning how to seize every moment. Re-learning grace. I feel as if I'm waking from a slumber.
6.22.2014
3.27.2014
Finishing and Starting
Wow, it's been too long. Truth is, we lost momentum. I crashed and burned after an insane 12 months. I'm in the recovery phase, but after my own autism diagnosis, it's a long, slow process of discovering just exactly what I can expect of myself reasonably.
Tomorrow will be 1 year from the day that Corbin had his "big surgery." We were very quiet at that time because we had foster children that we couldn't talk about publicly, but last March Corbin spent a week at Children's Mercy because of a flare up of his dacryocystitis and had the 4th & 5th surgeries of his short life. The 5th was the DCR where the surgeon removed his tear ductwork and replaced it with plastic tubing because it kept clogging and creating a fluid filled cyst. The disorder is called dacryocystitis. He had a very advanced case for someone his age and they typically don't like to do surgery on children of his age, but after 3 probes, 3 sets of tubes, a balloon catheter procedure and a small incision to reduce pressure, it was long past time for the DCR.
We have seen the surgeon every 3 months since the surgery for updates and to check the growth of the tear duct and today he said it is officially time to schedule the surgery to remove the plastic! If he were an adult they would undo his sutures (in his nose) and remove it in the office, but since he is a wiggly, easily traumatized little dude, they will have to put him under for a go in the same day surgery.
Risks are minimal for this surgery and he will recover quickly, but we learned something new today:
Corbin's dacryocystitis was NOT caused by a congenital defect and he will be at risk for reoccurrence for the rest of his life. The surgeon said it's most often brought on by allergic rhinitis. Corbin had so many respiratory issues when he was little that it makes sense to me. We just hope and pray this won't be an issue again for him.
So in one way, we are finally closing a chapter in the string of insanity for our family with Corbin's 6th, (and hopefully final!) surgery in 3.5 years.
We are opening a new chapter by starting an application for an Autism Assistance Dog for Violet. This can take about 12 months. By then we don't really know where we will be, but the good thing about a trained service dog will be that we never have to leave him/her behind. Thanks to the Americans with Disabilities Act, we will be able to take Violet's service dog anywhere, even pet free apartments. We have researched the benefits and feel that Violet will really do well with a service dog. I'll announce the name of the organization once our application is approved.
Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement. We are doing a lot of family maintenance right now while Allan is away and when he comes home it looks like we'll be headed back to NY state for a while. I will try to be better about checking in.
Tomorrow will be 1 year from the day that Corbin had his "big surgery." We were very quiet at that time because we had foster children that we couldn't talk about publicly, but last March Corbin spent a week at Children's Mercy because of a flare up of his dacryocystitis and had the 4th & 5th surgeries of his short life. The 5th was the DCR where the surgeon removed his tear ductwork and replaced it with plastic tubing because it kept clogging and creating a fluid filled cyst. The disorder is called dacryocystitis. He had a very advanced case for someone his age and they typically don't like to do surgery on children of his age, but after 3 probes, 3 sets of tubes, a balloon catheter procedure and a small incision to reduce pressure, it was long past time for the DCR.
We have seen the surgeon every 3 months since the surgery for updates and to check the growth of the tear duct and today he said it is officially time to schedule the surgery to remove the plastic! If he were an adult they would undo his sutures (in his nose) and remove it in the office, but since he is a wiggly, easily traumatized little dude, they will have to put him under for a go in the same day surgery.
Risks are minimal for this surgery and he will recover quickly, but we learned something new today:
Corbin's dacryocystitis was NOT caused by a congenital defect and he will be at risk for reoccurrence for the rest of his life. The surgeon said it's most often brought on by allergic rhinitis. Corbin had so many respiratory issues when he was little that it makes sense to me. We just hope and pray this won't be an issue again for him.
So in one way, we are finally closing a chapter in the string of insanity for our family with Corbin's 6th, (and hopefully final!) surgery in 3.5 years.
We are opening a new chapter by starting an application for an Autism Assistance Dog for Violet. This can take about 12 months. By then we don't really know where we will be, but the good thing about a trained service dog will be that we never have to leave him/her behind. Thanks to the Americans with Disabilities Act, we will be able to take Violet's service dog anywhere, even pet free apartments. We have researched the benefits and feel that Violet will really do well with a service dog. I'll announce the name of the organization once our application is approved.
Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement. We are doing a lot of family maintenance right now while Allan is away and when he comes home it looks like we'll be headed back to NY state for a while. I will try to be better about checking in.
2.19.2014
Closer
I have a theory. It's one theory among many. I'm not anyone special, just someone with a theory. Like everyone else. Are you ready for it? Here it is:
It's about interconnectivity and Autism. My firm belief is that we have a Creator. That He loves us and is intimately acquainted with us. That He breathed His very life into our bodies. That He loved us so much He sent a way for us to be connected to Himself, always.
We have a daughter who is not unlike other Autistic people in one way-seemingly more connected to God's design...joyful in nature, naturally contemplative and meditative, connected to weather patterns, able to read people to their very souls/intents, inquisitive, creative. So many things about Autism are different from person to person (as we all have our unique abilities and quirks), but time and time again I read of parents sensing their child has a connection to the Other. Something so clear to us, and yet so far away.
And why not? If the God of the Universe breathed His very own life into us, aren't we all connected and in tune with His healing, His wisdom, His great love?
I can see that as time goes on, the world falls further and further from it's design and grand intelligence. How did they build pyramids? How did those faces get to Easter Island? Stonehenge? How does every culture on earth have it's own account of Noah, the flood and the ark? We fall further from God and we fail to see so clearly the connections we have to Him, our present home(earth) and each other. (I will say I believe this is by human choice, not design. But that's not what this post is about)
So the theory goes, what if Autism isn't something to be feared or dreaded, (I do not believe it is, but our society seems to) but instead is closer to the way we were created to be? In other cultures, classic Autists-or savants-are sometimes held up as a connection to the unseen realm. Autism, as I've seen it, is a great paradox. Which is exactly what God is...intense and yet gentle. Just and yet forgiving.
What if the supposed rise in Autism rates are really just a falling of the rest of the world...a greater divide between what we were made to be an where we are, so to speak? What if they feel so alone because they see the great divide between us all and what if they are lonely because they are more fully connected to the great Love that is God and they want to bring all those they love with them?
What if Autism is God's way of bringing more people to himself? How many people do our little ones touch? What if their purpose here is to transform those lives they touch? I know my little Autist has transformed the lives of everyone in our house, quite without trying. I know she infects everyone she comes into contact with-infects them with visions of joy and beauty and laughter and yet also with a deep sense of the injustices around us.
What if it's not us who should be teaching them how to fit into the world, but they who should be teaching us how to fit with God? What if they know more about what *really* matters in life than we could ever dream until we drop the walls and experience Love without fear?
It's about interconnectivity and Autism. My firm belief is that we have a Creator. That He loves us and is intimately acquainted with us. That He breathed His very life into our bodies. That He loved us so much He sent a way for us to be connected to Himself, always.
We have a daughter who is not unlike other Autistic people in one way-seemingly more connected to God's design...joyful in nature, naturally contemplative and meditative, connected to weather patterns, able to read people to their very souls/intents, inquisitive, creative. So many things about Autism are different from person to person (as we all have our unique abilities and quirks), but time and time again I read of parents sensing their child has a connection to the Other. Something so clear to us, and yet so far away.
And why not? If the God of the Universe breathed His very own life into us, aren't we all connected and in tune with His healing, His wisdom, His great love?
I can see that as time goes on, the world falls further and further from it's design and grand intelligence. How did they build pyramids? How did those faces get to Easter Island? Stonehenge? How does every culture on earth have it's own account of Noah, the flood and the ark? We fall further from God and we fail to see so clearly the connections we have to Him, our present home(earth) and each other. (I will say I believe this is by human choice, not design. But that's not what this post is about)
So the theory goes, what if Autism isn't something to be feared or dreaded, (I do not believe it is, but our society seems to) but instead is closer to the way we were created to be? In other cultures, classic Autists-or savants-are sometimes held up as a connection to the unseen realm. Autism, as I've seen it, is a great paradox. Which is exactly what God is...intense and yet gentle. Just and yet forgiving.
What if the supposed rise in Autism rates are really just a falling of the rest of the world...a greater divide between what we were made to be an where we are, so to speak? What if they feel so alone because they see the great divide between us all and what if they are lonely because they are more fully connected to the great Love that is God and they want to bring all those they love with them?
What if Autism is God's way of bringing more people to himself? How many people do our little ones touch? What if their purpose here is to transform those lives they touch? I know my little Autist has transformed the lives of everyone in our house, quite without trying. I know she infects everyone she comes into contact with-infects them with visions of joy and beauty and laughter and yet also with a deep sense of the injustices around us.
What if it's not us who should be teaching them how to fit into the world, but they who should be teaching us how to fit with God? What if they know more about what *really* matters in life than we could ever dream until we drop the walls and experience Love without fear?
2.12.2014
Love, Not Fear
This blog post is a part of the #posAutive, #boycottautismspeaks flashblog. I jumped on late, but I wanted to get something down, in case anyone wonders since we got Violet's diagnosis how we feel about it.
In November, Violet (5.5) was diagnosed PDD-NOS with Sensory Integration Disorder. In laymen's terms...on the Autism spectrum. I had been researching already, in anticipation of the diagnosis, but the weight of the actuality of a medical professional saying, "yes...she is what you've wondered so long" was heavy. One night, in our temporary cabin, while Allan was half a world away I sat in the tub, wondering what this meant for our girl. I had told people "she's still the same Violet" when they asked what this meant and it was true-so why did I feel I was drowning? Questions burned in my heart: Would she grow up being made fun of by neurotypical kids? Would her family be her only "safe place?" What about when Allan and I die, what if her siblings aren't still close with her? Will she need someone to help her navigate the world? Would she be taken advantage of because of her trusting, loving nature? Would she be able to secure a job? Would she find a loving husband and marry?
The truth is, some people find those questions offensive, but I feel they MUST be asked. And if the answers are no, then the child we believed we would have MUST be mourned.
BUT. And this is a HUGE but...
THEN we must look at the child before us and let the knowledge wash over us that this child was created in God's image. He made no mistake when He made Violet's brain. He made no mistake when He wired her up and He entrusted her to us-to raise her into the person she was created to be. To challenge her weaknesses and build up her strengths. To speak life to her when the world (particularly the Auti$m $peaks world) would speak death to her and her family.
In the few months since her diagnosis, we have spoken openly as a family about Autism and we've come to understand the same Violet in a new light. Some things are hard to come to terms with, and we must allow each other to feel those soft spots. But most things are breathtaking and beautiful...to see so clearly how amazing and unique she really is-it has a name! That name is Autism. Autism doesn't scare us because it is simply a part of who she is and from the day we found out we were expecting her, it has added beauty and mystery and LOVE to our lives.
We've also met amazing people along the way and I can't wait to build those relationships. How could expanding the LOVE in our lives be scary?
And we will continue to press forward and learn to spread LOVE and not FEAR. Just like Jesus taught us.
Click HERE to see the post my new friend, Kelly Green, did on this topic. She is much more eloquent than I am. Give me a few years ;)
In November, Violet (5.5) was diagnosed PDD-NOS with Sensory Integration Disorder. In laymen's terms...on the Autism spectrum. I had been researching already, in anticipation of the diagnosis, but the weight of the actuality of a medical professional saying, "yes...she is what you've wondered so long" was heavy. One night, in our temporary cabin, while Allan was half a world away I sat in the tub, wondering what this meant for our girl. I had told people "she's still the same Violet" when they asked what this meant and it was true-so why did I feel I was drowning? Questions burned in my heart: Would she grow up being made fun of by neurotypical kids? Would her family be her only "safe place?" What about when Allan and I die, what if her siblings aren't still close with her? Will she need someone to help her navigate the world? Would she be taken advantage of because of her trusting, loving nature? Would she be able to secure a job? Would she find a loving husband and marry?
The truth is, some people find those questions offensive, but I feel they MUST be asked. And if the answers are no, then the child we believed we would have MUST be mourned.
BUT. And this is a HUGE but...
THEN we must look at the child before us and let the knowledge wash over us that this child was created in God's image. He made no mistake when He made Violet's brain. He made no mistake when He wired her up and He entrusted her to us-to raise her into the person she was created to be. To challenge her weaknesses and build up her strengths. To speak life to her when the world (particularly the Auti$m $peaks world) would speak death to her and her family.
In the few months since her diagnosis, we have spoken openly as a family about Autism and we've come to understand the same Violet in a new light. Some things are hard to come to terms with, and we must allow each other to feel those soft spots. But most things are breathtaking and beautiful...to see so clearly how amazing and unique she really is-it has a name! That name is Autism. Autism doesn't scare us because it is simply a part of who she is and from the day we found out we were expecting her, it has added beauty and mystery and LOVE to our lives.
We've also met amazing people along the way and I can't wait to build those relationships. How could expanding the LOVE in our lives be scary?
And we will continue to press forward and learn to spread LOVE and not FEAR. Just like Jesus taught us.
Click HERE to see the post my new friend, Kelly Green, did on this topic. She is much more eloquent than I am. Give me a few years ;)
1.28.2014
2014 Begins
The dust has settled from our Disney trip (FABULOUS, and when can we go again!?) and we are now back in the midwest, planted as we seem to get these last couple years. I do still feel like we are "Runnin' Down the Dream" though, as we've been logging over 600 miles on our car EACH WEEK. I am really thankful for lower gas prices (averaging under 3$/gallon) and for the space/sense of safety afforded by the Suburban, but that's still a lot of miles/expense. Soon the girls will go to the same school and that will settle down a hair.
My sister-in-law and brother-in-law purchased me a massage for Christmas and while I was there, the massage therapist talked to me about tension and loss. I told her I was claiming 2014 as a year for restoring. See, I did the "top 20 posts of 2013" over on my facebook page and I would be lying if I didn't read them and scoff. I may have even said a few choice words aloud. I am not sad to see her go, but I also recognize that it's time to grab my days by the horns and claim victory over them.
What does victory look like? Some days it looks like survival. Some days it looks like experiencing flashbacks so horrid I can SMELL my abuser who I haven't even laid eyes on in 20 years and yet still doing the homework the therapist assigned to me. Some days it looks like taking the time to smile and remembering to give the kids a compliment and learning to forgive myself for only mustering a tiny bit of joy out of a whole day filled with blessings...because each day really is, no matter how my mind can try to deny it. Somedays it looks like 85 peanut butter oatmeal cookies that will look more like 50 when they reach my lonely, tired husband and his comrades. Today it looks like writing because I need something to ground me.
Victory looks a lot different than I imagined. Restoration means first being completely destroyed. I know from living in a house being restored that restoration looks like a lot of hard work and a lot of days of rain when the work cannot be done, but always moving FORWARD and looking for other things to improve.
Something else that looks much different than I imagined is a healthy human being. See, I would like to believe I'm generally a fun-loving, easy-going person. I have deviated so far from that person at this point, that I have to wonder if that is really who I am at all. The realization that is coming is that a person is made up of many different truths. I am not *always* a fun-loving, easy-going person. I am not *always* a stressed out wreck. Who I *really* am is a hodge podge of these many colored days. That has to be okay. I haven't allowed that to be okay and I have missed out on a lot of grace because of it.
Something that makes me ponderous lately is how cold and dry it has been in MO. The cold I shut down to-go into survival mode. It means layers and yelling at kids who have thus far grown up in warmer climates to remember hats and gloves. It means 30 mintues of letting the Suburban warm up for the babies so they can safely buckle without coats. It means being hyper-vigilant of all the drivers on the road with me, in case there is ice.
The dryness, though, always surprises me. We are currently in the car so much because Violet is attending a "school" for Autistic children. She is learning all about social skills our society deems of the utmost important and being drilled with letters. The school is about 35 minutes from us and on the way there we cross the Missouri river, as well as many lakes and creeks. Nearly every day the water has been frozen, and yet somehow the beds have become as dry as any Texas lake or creek in late July. The river is so low we can see many feet of dry riverbed on either side. When I checked our windchill warnings last week, we also had a wildfire warning, because of the excessive dryness. It is just so strange to me when I am in the midst my lungs, eyes and fingers stinging because of the intense cold.
It reminds me that when we shut down and go into survival mode, many other things are affected, even though the current sting of that which must be survived is stealing all our senses and wit. Sometimes I look around and wonder how things got so dried out, shriveled up and brittle. Here's to a year full of plodding through the work of survival but staying alert to the things which need healing rain, also. Here's to a year of restoration.
Wishing you and yours all the best in 2014, complete with joy in the moment and healing rains!
My sister-in-law and brother-in-law purchased me a massage for Christmas and while I was there, the massage therapist talked to me about tension and loss. I told her I was claiming 2014 as a year for restoring. See, I did the "top 20 posts of 2013" over on my facebook page and I would be lying if I didn't read them and scoff. I may have even said a few choice words aloud. I am not sad to see her go, but I also recognize that it's time to grab my days by the horns and claim victory over them.
What does victory look like? Some days it looks like survival. Some days it looks like experiencing flashbacks so horrid I can SMELL my abuser who I haven't even laid eyes on in 20 years and yet still doing the homework the therapist assigned to me. Some days it looks like taking the time to smile and remembering to give the kids a compliment and learning to forgive myself for only mustering a tiny bit of joy out of a whole day filled with blessings...because each day really is, no matter how my mind can try to deny it. Somedays it looks like 85 peanut butter oatmeal cookies that will look more like 50 when they reach my lonely, tired husband and his comrades. Today it looks like writing because I need something to ground me.
Victory looks a lot different than I imagined. Restoration means first being completely destroyed. I know from living in a house being restored that restoration looks like a lot of hard work and a lot of days of rain when the work cannot be done, but always moving FORWARD and looking for other things to improve.
Something else that looks much different than I imagined is a healthy human being. See, I would like to believe I'm generally a fun-loving, easy-going person. I have deviated so far from that person at this point, that I have to wonder if that is really who I am at all. The realization that is coming is that a person is made up of many different truths. I am not *always* a fun-loving, easy-going person. I am not *always* a stressed out wreck. Who I *really* am is a hodge podge of these many colored days. That has to be okay. I haven't allowed that to be okay and I have missed out on a lot of grace because of it.
Something that makes me ponderous lately is how cold and dry it has been in MO. The cold I shut down to-go into survival mode. It means layers and yelling at kids who have thus far grown up in warmer climates to remember hats and gloves. It means 30 mintues of letting the Suburban warm up for the babies so they can safely buckle without coats. It means being hyper-vigilant of all the drivers on the road with me, in case there is ice.
The dryness, though, always surprises me. We are currently in the car so much because Violet is attending a "school" for Autistic children. She is learning all about social skills our society deems of the utmost important and being drilled with letters. The school is about 35 minutes from us and on the way there we cross the Missouri river, as well as many lakes and creeks. Nearly every day the water has been frozen, and yet somehow the beds have become as dry as any Texas lake or creek in late July. The river is so low we can see many feet of dry riverbed on either side. When I checked our windchill warnings last week, we also had a wildfire warning, because of the excessive dryness. It is just so strange to me when I am in the midst my lungs, eyes and fingers stinging because of the intense cold.
It reminds me that when we shut down and go into survival mode, many other things are affected, even though the current sting of that which must be survived is stealing all our senses and wit. Sometimes I look around and wonder how things got so dried out, shriveled up and brittle. Here's to a year full of plodding through the work of survival but staying alert to the things which need healing rain, also. Here's to a year of restoration.
Wishing you and yours all the best in 2014, complete with joy in the moment and healing rains!
12.03.2013
What Can I Say?
Day two of our journey to Florida is one of those days where I have to laugh...hard...because these are just the kinds of things that happen to us.
What I love about these kinds of things is that I get really excited at the opportunity to tell others and hear their laughter. My favorite response today? "You need to go run over a homeless person, because your life is just too boring." My most popular response? "You need to write a book."
I don't know what I would write or that anyone would be interesting in reading, but given the level of awesome in the responses, I decided to pen today's fiascos here.
We left from Springfield, MO and had a 5hr 45 minute drive ahead of us. As usual, we had to stop about 20 times just to get going, but once we were finally in our groove, Siri took us baha-ing down a lesser travelled road, if you will. We had about a quarter tank left and the two little ones were snoozing, so I thought the winding trail would be good for us. By about the 40 mile mark of backwoods Ozark mountain trails I was getting tired of going around the curves at zero miles per hour and we were pretty well out of gas. I was praying we'd get to a gas station when a trailer-type box with a gas pump circa 1976 came into view. I looked at the GPS and decided we might try for the next station, but *something* made me turn around and go back.
We pulled up to what I affectionately dubbed "Cletus' personal gas hole." I walked in to pre-pay because I still haven't gotten cash and had to go to the bathroom. When I opened the door, a wave of stale cigarette smoke stench punched me in the gut. I proceeded. Someone was standing at the counter, shootin' the dirt with Cletus (fyi: this was not his name, but I imagine it was probably Bubba. I say this with all the love in the world. Since living in Texas for so long, I love most of the Bubba's and even call my son Bubba) so I figured I'd relieve myself first. The bathroom was my first indication that this was actually a personal residence, tiny though it were. There was a nice porcelain tub in it. On a tidy shelf in the corner I saw a lot of travel-sized toiletries with a sign.
"Showering peoples: these are for you."
When I finished I walked to the register while Cletus and his buddy ended their conversation. I was about to gag at this point because the smoke I had let out was being replenished with a fresh cigarette. I asked politely if I should pre-pay and Cletus cocked his head to one side, started fiddling with his ancient credit card machine and said, "Whatever you wanna do."
Oh. My mind was trying to quickly figure if I wanted to walk BACK into this place or if I should just get it over with, but Cletus interrupted with, "But I got no way to stop the pump, so you just gon' have to catch it when it hits the dollar or come back." That's when I decided not to pre-pay.
I put $50 in the tank because the gas here was pretty pricey compared to Leavenworth, and I hoped I might find a better price in the big city that had maybe 3 gas pumps to its name. When I went back inside I tried to hold my breath, thankful I had not actually paid ahead, because I couldn't stop the antique pump before it hit 50.12. As I approached the counter, Cletus gave me a half-smile and blew some smoke in my direction and said, "Ooops. I forgot to tell ya....if you pay cash it'll cost less. You gon' have to pay to use that card." I explained to him that I didn't have any cash and he took his time digging up the charge for the privilege of using my debit card while I tried not to start hacking.
As I looked around I saw further evidence of personal living space...like the kitchen that was VERY clean amidst the rest of the very lived in station. Cletus interrupted my thoughts again with a slow drawl that had a tinge of a laugh to it..."where y'all from?" The implication in it made me laugh in spite of myself and I said, "currently, Leavenworth. But we live all over." He gave me a funny look as he tore the reciept off the machine and handed it to me to sign. My head was buzzing from the nicotine and it took me much longer than it should have to sign my name. I'm pretty sure my bank will be giving me a call about that one. I took my reciept and wished him a good day. In the car the kids and I cursed the god-awful smell we had accumulated on our clothes and hair (GraceAnne went in to use the bathroom while I pumped gas)
When we finally hit Arkansas, (good thing that *something* made us go back, we would have been stuck in the woods with no gas) I might have had a bit of a high and mighty thought in my head about ole Cletus, but God seems to always see fit to humble me pretty quickly. We weren't far on the other side of the border when we came across a sign that said, "Maynard, AR 10 mi." Maynard is my family name. We are from Arkansas. haha I gotcha, Lord. "Watch your gigglin' don't ferget yer raisin'." The final nail in the humble coffin came when I told Allan the story and before I even mentioned Maynard, AR he said, "was it Uncle Cletus?" bahahaha
Later on, back at the ranch, the kids and I were more than thrilled when we finally got to a 3 horse town and all scrambled to the potty and attempted to find a snack. After we got back on the road, as if on cue, Corbin chimes in, "I have to go potty again. bad." I blew him off a few times and looked for a gas station, but we were out of luck again. He started whimpering and my foot started depressing the gas pedal a little more. I'm not sure how fast I was going when the officer going west-bound saw me, but I know I was passing everyone and I was on my phone, so when he turned into the east-bound lane I knew it was all over for me and warned the kids. Sure enough, the state trooper pulled me over. By the time he came to the window I had my license and was working on my insurance card and Corbin was in a full hyperventilation. I didn't even let the officer say a word before I blurted out, "I'm really sorry sir, but my son has to go to the bathroom and I was having trouble finding anything." He seemed understanding. As I fumbled with my insurance app, he talked to the kids and listened to Corbin's deep breathing techniques. After he saw my proof-of-insurance he said he'd be right back and walked back to his car.
Corbin showed us his desperation in his next words. "GO MOM, he's not by the window, just GOOOOO." I explained that I could NOT take off away from the officer and then he started to sob. I looked frantically around the car for SOMETHING he could pee in, because I couldn't just let him go on the side of the road with the trooper behind us. GraceAnne found a water bottle that was only half full and dumped the water into Corbin's bottle (maybe we should be restricting a bit? lol) You can imagine that the next 3 minutes were filled with us helping get Corbin "situated" and looking back at the cop and telling Corbin to HURRY UP! Before he comes back!! When the boy finally finished, he handed me the bottle and I was hissing at him to hurry and get his pants back on before the cop came back. When I turned around, (with a bottle of hot pee in my hand, dear God does it get better than this?) the officer was standing at the window again...
I had to swallow that pride down, hard. I almost choked on it. Here I am, on the side of the road in Arkansas, holding a bottle of my son's urine and getting a ticket for speeding. The officer surprised me, though and said, "Ms. Doyle...if I give you a written warning, will you promise to TRY and slow down? There's a full-service gas station right around the bend."
I thanked him profusely, of course, pee in hand and when Corbin was finally buckled up again we were on our way. I don't think a person has ever been so glad to see a hotel as I was this evening. Thank you, Jesus, for rest after insane days.
And now that I've shared our nutty story, I'm off to wash the smoke off me.
Hail Merry take me away !
What kinds of crazy things have you been pulled over for? What was the most insane place you ever had to stop for gas/help? What would you have done?
What I love about these kinds of things is that I get really excited at the opportunity to tell others and hear their laughter. My favorite response today? "You need to go run over a homeless person, because your life is just too boring." My most popular response? "You need to write a book."
I don't know what I would write or that anyone would be interesting in reading, but given the level of awesome in the responses, I decided to pen today's fiascos here.
We left from Springfield, MO and had a 5hr 45 minute drive ahead of us. As usual, we had to stop about 20 times just to get going, but once we were finally in our groove, Siri took us baha-ing down a lesser travelled road, if you will. We had about a quarter tank left and the two little ones were snoozing, so I thought the winding trail would be good for us. By about the 40 mile mark of backwoods Ozark mountain trails I was getting tired of going around the curves at zero miles per hour and we were pretty well out of gas. I was praying we'd get to a gas station when a trailer-type box with a gas pump circa 1976 came into view. I looked at the GPS and decided we might try for the next station, but *something* made me turn around and go back.
We pulled up to what I affectionately dubbed "Cletus' personal gas hole." I walked in to pre-pay because I still haven't gotten cash and had to go to the bathroom. When I opened the door, a wave of stale cigarette smoke stench punched me in the gut. I proceeded. Someone was standing at the counter, shootin' the dirt with Cletus (fyi: this was not his name, but I imagine it was probably Bubba. I say this with all the love in the world. Since living in Texas for so long, I love most of the Bubba's and even call my son Bubba) so I figured I'd relieve myself first. The bathroom was my first indication that this was actually a personal residence, tiny though it were. There was a nice porcelain tub in it. On a tidy shelf in the corner I saw a lot of travel-sized toiletries with a sign.
"Showering peoples: these are for you."
When I finished I walked to the register while Cletus and his buddy ended their conversation. I was about to gag at this point because the smoke I had let out was being replenished with a fresh cigarette. I asked politely if I should pre-pay and Cletus cocked his head to one side, started fiddling with his ancient credit card machine and said, "Whatever you wanna do."
Oh. My mind was trying to quickly figure if I wanted to walk BACK into this place or if I should just get it over with, but Cletus interrupted with, "But I got no way to stop the pump, so you just gon' have to catch it when it hits the dollar or come back." That's when I decided not to pre-pay.
I put $50 in the tank because the gas here was pretty pricey compared to Leavenworth, and I hoped I might find a better price in the big city that had maybe 3 gas pumps to its name. When I went back inside I tried to hold my breath, thankful I had not actually paid ahead, because I couldn't stop the antique pump before it hit 50.12. As I approached the counter, Cletus gave me a half-smile and blew some smoke in my direction and said, "Ooops. I forgot to tell ya....if you pay cash it'll cost less. You gon' have to pay to use that card." I explained to him that I didn't have any cash and he took his time digging up the charge for the privilege of using my debit card while I tried not to start hacking.
As I looked around I saw further evidence of personal living space...like the kitchen that was VERY clean amidst the rest of the very lived in station. Cletus interrupted my thoughts again with a slow drawl that had a tinge of a laugh to it..."where y'all from?" The implication in it made me laugh in spite of myself and I said, "currently, Leavenworth. But we live all over." He gave me a funny look as he tore the reciept off the machine and handed it to me to sign. My head was buzzing from the nicotine and it took me much longer than it should have to sign my name. I'm pretty sure my bank will be giving me a call about that one. I took my reciept and wished him a good day. In the car the kids and I cursed the god-awful smell we had accumulated on our clothes and hair (GraceAnne went in to use the bathroom while I pumped gas)
When we finally hit Arkansas, (good thing that *something* made us go back, we would have been stuck in the woods with no gas) I might have had a bit of a high and mighty thought in my head about ole Cletus, but God seems to always see fit to humble me pretty quickly. We weren't far on the other side of the border when we came across a sign that said, "Maynard, AR 10 mi." Maynard is my family name. We are from Arkansas. haha I gotcha, Lord. "Watch your gigglin' don't ferget yer raisin'." The final nail in the humble coffin came when I told Allan the story and before I even mentioned Maynard, AR he said, "was it Uncle Cletus?" bahahaha
Later on, back at the ranch, the kids and I were more than thrilled when we finally got to a 3 horse town and all scrambled to the potty and attempted to find a snack. After we got back on the road, as if on cue, Corbin chimes in, "I have to go potty again. bad." I blew him off a few times and looked for a gas station, but we were out of luck again. He started whimpering and my foot started depressing the gas pedal a little more. I'm not sure how fast I was going when the officer going west-bound saw me, but I know I was passing everyone and I was on my phone, so when he turned into the east-bound lane I knew it was all over for me and warned the kids. Sure enough, the state trooper pulled me over. By the time he came to the window I had my license and was working on my insurance card and Corbin was in a full hyperventilation. I didn't even let the officer say a word before I blurted out, "I'm really sorry sir, but my son has to go to the bathroom and I was having trouble finding anything." He seemed understanding. As I fumbled with my insurance app, he talked to the kids and listened to Corbin's deep breathing techniques. After he saw my proof-of-insurance he said he'd be right back and walked back to his car.
Corbin showed us his desperation in his next words. "GO MOM, he's not by the window, just GOOOOO." I explained that I could NOT take off away from the officer and then he started to sob. I looked frantically around the car for SOMETHING he could pee in, because I couldn't just let him go on the side of the road with the trooper behind us. GraceAnne found a water bottle that was only half full and dumped the water into Corbin's bottle (maybe we should be restricting a bit? lol) You can imagine that the next 3 minutes were filled with us helping get Corbin "situated" and looking back at the cop and telling Corbin to HURRY UP! Before he comes back!! When the boy finally finished, he handed me the bottle and I was hissing at him to hurry and get his pants back on before the cop came back. When I turned around, (with a bottle of hot pee in my hand, dear God does it get better than this?) the officer was standing at the window again...
I had to swallow that pride down, hard. I almost choked on it. Here I am, on the side of the road in Arkansas, holding a bottle of my son's urine and getting a ticket for speeding. The officer surprised me, though and said, "Ms. Doyle...if I give you a written warning, will you promise to TRY and slow down? There's a full-service gas station right around the bend."
I thanked him profusely, of course, pee in hand and when Corbin was finally buckled up again we were on our way. I don't think a person has ever been so glad to see a hotel as I was this evening. Thank you, Jesus, for rest after insane days.
And now that I've shared our nutty story, I'm off to wash the smoke off me.
Hail Merry take me away !What kinds of crazy things have you been pulled over for? What was the most insane place you ever had to stop for gas/help? What would you have done?
11.25.2013
Dropping Anchor
Wow, what have we been up to?
November is a busy month for you, right? It has been a crazy month for us, too. As you know, we came back to Kansas to get some medical things taken care of, so we have literally been in various doctors offices nearly every day this month. The verdicts?
Corbin's eye looks fabulous and he's set to have his follow-up surgery in May of 2014. We will have one more visit with the surgeon to make sure everything is looking good. We are so thankful for this report, because this was a really risky surgery for such a little guy. But leave it to this 1 in a billion kid to out-perform everyone's expectations. He's goin' big or goin' home-always!
Violet has her diagnosis and is being prescribed play therapy a few hours per week. The psychologist says she is absolutely amazing and has had good parenting. We recognize this is a HUGE blessing, because we are far from perfect parents. We must give credit to the trauma training we've had (Particularly "The Connected Child/Created to Connect by Dr Karyn Purvis) and Violet herself, as she's a resilient, awesome little person and of course, God for giving us a sense about her and leading us to gentler ways to parent her.
GraceAnne is, well...GraceAnne didn't have any doctor appointments at all. I guarantee you she's thrilled about this fact as GraceAnne is even more anti-doctor than her dad or I ever considered being. I hope we are donig an okay job helping her see what help some of them have been to us.
And then there's me...I've had some tummy troubles over the last couple of months and needed to get it checked out. I've had blood tests and they show elevated lipase and low potassium (even after supplementation). I've spoken to a GI and Wednesday they will perform an endoscopy. I've had to go on a full gluten binge diet the last 2 weeks and I've been both excited and sad about it. On one hand, I feel like crap, but on the other, I have so missed some of my favorite foods and just the ability to eat what I want again has been a huge load off my mind and good for my mental health (though feeling gross does not help my mental health, so maybe it's just a scratch game? haha) I am very nervous about the scope and trying hard not to think about it. It will be good to have answers, though if the test comes back negative for celiac, I'm not sure what to do from here. I do know one thing, though, I am SO in need of a good detox/juice cleanse!
In other good news: 15 sleeps until Disney!!
AND...
Because we have to be somewhat settled down for Violet's therapy, I found a Montessori school for the girls to enjoy for the rest of this school year. They were approved for a scholarship and are both super stoked to start after the new year. I toured the school last week and I have to say I think it will be a perfect place for us to recover a bit from the blow of Violet's diagnosis and Allan's deployment. We are still hoping to travel here and there on weekends/breaks, but I do feel like we're dropping anchor. As per the norm, we will ride this next wave and see what's on the horizon!
Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday! Are you having family/friends over? Will you be the guest? What is your favorite Thanksgiving dish? (The kids are particularly looking forward to a pumpkin pie I picked up at Whole Foods with a gluten-free crust.)
November is a busy month for you, right? It has been a crazy month for us, too. As you know, we came back to Kansas to get some medical things taken care of, so we have literally been in various doctors offices nearly every day this month. The verdicts?
Corbin's eye looks fabulous and he's set to have his follow-up surgery in May of 2014. We will have one more visit with the surgeon to make sure everything is looking good. We are so thankful for this report, because this was a really risky surgery for such a little guy. But leave it to this 1 in a billion kid to out-perform everyone's expectations. He's goin' big or goin' home-always!
Violet has her diagnosis and is being prescribed play therapy a few hours per week. The psychologist says she is absolutely amazing and has had good parenting. We recognize this is a HUGE blessing, because we are far from perfect parents. We must give credit to the trauma training we've had (Particularly "The Connected Child/Created to Connect by Dr Karyn Purvis) and Violet herself, as she's a resilient, awesome little person and of course, God for giving us a sense about her and leading us to gentler ways to parent her.
GraceAnne is, well...GraceAnne didn't have any doctor appointments at all. I guarantee you she's thrilled about this fact as GraceAnne is even more anti-doctor than her dad or I ever considered being. I hope we are donig an okay job helping her see what help some of them have been to us.
And then there's me...I've had some tummy troubles over the last couple of months and needed to get it checked out. I've had blood tests and they show elevated lipase and low potassium (even after supplementation). I've spoken to a GI and Wednesday they will perform an endoscopy. I've had to go on a full gluten binge diet the last 2 weeks and I've been both excited and sad about it. On one hand, I feel like crap, but on the other, I have so missed some of my favorite foods and just the ability to eat what I want again has been a huge load off my mind and good for my mental health (though feeling gross does not help my mental health, so maybe it's just a scratch game? haha) I am very nervous about the scope and trying hard not to think about it. It will be good to have answers, though if the test comes back negative for celiac, I'm not sure what to do from here. I do know one thing, though, I am SO in need of a good detox/juice cleanse!
In other good news: 15 sleeps until Disney!!
AND...
Because we have to be somewhat settled down for Violet's therapy, I found a Montessori school for the girls to enjoy for the rest of this school year. They were approved for a scholarship and are both super stoked to start after the new year. I toured the school last week and I have to say I think it will be a perfect place for us to recover a bit from the blow of Violet's diagnosis and Allan's deployment. We are still hoping to travel here and there on weekends/breaks, but I do feel like we're dropping anchor. As per the norm, we will ride this next wave and see what's on the horizon!
Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday! Are you having family/friends over? Will you be the guest? What is your favorite Thanksgiving dish? (The kids are particularly looking forward to a pumpkin pie I picked up at Whole Foods with a gluten-free crust.)
11.13.2013
In Which We are Suspected of Being Homeless
This really did happen today. It was spectacular. I am hoping you can get a good laugh out of it.
So at 12:15 the kids finish lunch and we load up the car with the laundry and head out. As per the norm, I tell the kids 10 times "we are going to have a meeting with Miss Jennifer on post and then we're going to laundromat." We get there and I get *the call* from the management company about how our poor tenants have been without heat and we need to ransom our youngest to pay for the repairs, so I'm stressed. I can't find the building we are supposed to be in and drive around the block 4 times. Finally I find it and we walk in 5 minutes late.
The waiting room has a Keurig in it and GraceAnne suggests I get a cup of coffee. I choose the wrong size cup and it overflows everywhere and I'm burning my hands every step I take as Miss Jennifer leads us down the hall. She seems surprised I made a coffee.
Miss Jennifer leads us into the world's tiniest room with lots of awesome toys. Then says we will all sit in there for our meeting. The children proceed to bounce of walls and I fill out the paper she hands me. She looks at the address and says, 'so is this an apartment?" I proceed to explain that it is a mail box at a facility and she says, "but what is your home address?" I tell her we don't have a home address, we are currently staying at a campground in a cabin. She raises her eyebrows, puts her hand on my knee and says, "I'm just going to ask you this flat out. Are you HOMELESS?" I feel my face flush bright red and I rush to answer NO NO! I try to regain composure and the kids are getting louder and louder. They're beginning to throw balls at each other. I stammer, "Have you heard of _____ campground? No? It's here in town. They have a 4-season cabin. It's temporary. We're traveling while my husband is deployed." I smile as coolly as possible and she asks where we will go in Dec. I tell her we are going to visit with family. She asks what we will do after that because Violet should have started services when she was 2. I say it depends on how fast Tricare can gather their eggs.
GraceAnne interrupts the awkward convo with a sweet voice saying, "Mommy...I'm hungry." Miss Jennifer looks concerned. I remind GraceAnne that she ate *just* before we came and there is nothing I can do. Then Corbin chimes in, "I am just so hungry mommy." I shoot the horrified Miss Jennifer a weak smile and return to the conversation, telling her that we are looking at condos for Jan-Jun so we will be close to the autism therapy place and Corbin's surgeon. She looks alarmed and says, "And what is HIS diagnosis?!" This is when I laugh and say, "dacryocystitis." She asks what needs to be done about that and I assure her it is taken care of.
Throughout the rest of the strained conversation I notice that the white liner from my coat that I'm wearing is very dirty about the cuffs. I notice that one of my shoes is "talking" and that somoene has dropped some lunch on my pants. I remember that I have no makeup on and that my hair is in a haphazard ponytail because I am having serious gluten-induced brain fog (and because I usually look this way...hahaha) I recognize that I am on a post that is comprised of mostly majors and above. I realize I really do LOOK like a hobo. As she explains what will happen next with Violet's therapies,I look at the kids, who are getting antsier by the moment, and realize that Corbin has no socks on, (they had to take off shoes to play in the ball pit) and Violet's hair is a hot mess (straggly as usual. yes, I brushed it this morning) and GraceAnne has been acting about 3 years younger than she is since we left New York. I am horrified and I'm not sure I could get much more horrified, but then Violet walks over to Miss Jennifer and says, "we are going to the laundromat after we leave here."
Take note. I am a homeless mother of hungry, dirty children who hasn't paid attention to her daughter's needs for 3 years and we have every stitch of clothing we own in the back of our 96 suburban.
Then GraceAnne comes over and tells Miss Jennifer, "I really love this stuffed teddy bear. I wish I could take it back to the campground." And usually people say "I know, but that has to stay here for the other kids" but instead Miss Jennifer says, "Oh, he so needs a home and a child to love him. Could you please take him?" At which point the other 2 start chiming in about how they want treasures from around the office. She loads them up and offers me a box full of sports equipment from Special Olympics. I say sure because at this point, I just want out of there and don't want to play the "no, really, are you SURE you don't want it!?" game.
We are all waddling out of the office with stacks of paperwork and toys and a gigantic box of stuff. Corbin is running off in all directions and going into offices. I would just as soon melt into the carpeted hallway and disappear forever than have to walk to the car with this woman and Violet starts her fit throwing.
We finally stumble outside and I can't manage to make her get off the ground, so I decide to put the things in the car first. I get halfway to the car when I look back to see that Violet has VELCROED herself to Miss Jennifer. I put my things down in the dirt and run back, apologizing. I try to peel Violet off this woman's leg and Violet says, "I want to stay with yoooooou! I don't want to go with my Moooooommy!!"
oh.my.god. I finally got her peeled off and she was totally pissed at me so she threw her stuffed animal in the dirt and screamed her bloody head off as we walked away from it. I managed to get her buckled into her seat and went back to pick up all the items we had left in the yard. I tried to find my dignity, but I think it slinked into the couch in that tiny room. So I went to the laundromat and thought about how I'm going to have to give up one of 2 paychecks for December's budget to the rental and I'm living in a 3-room cabin with no permanent address and I'm in a laundromat.
At the end of the day, it's really kinda hilarious. When I don't think about it too hard.
The joys of life "on the road."
So at 12:15 the kids finish lunch and we load up the car with the laundry and head out. As per the norm, I tell the kids 10 times "we are going to have a meeting with Miss Jennifer on post and then we're going to laundromat." We get there and I get *the call* from the management company about how our poor tenants have been without heat and we need to ransom our youngest to pay for the repairs, so I'm stressed. I can't find the building we are supposed to be in and drive around the block 4 times. Finally I find it and we walk in 5 minutes late.
The waiting room has a Keurig in it and GraceAnne suggests I get a cup of coffee. I choose the wrong size cup and it overflows everywhere and I'm burning my hands every step I take as Miss Jennifer leads us down the hall. She seems surprised I made a coffee.
Miss Jennifer leads us into the world's tiniest room with lots of awesome toys. Then says we will all sit in there for our meeting. The children proceed to bounce of walls and I fill out the paper she hands me. She looks at the address and says, 'so is this an apartment?" I proceed to explain that it is a mail box at a facility and she says, "but what is your home address?" I tell her we don't have a home address, we are currently staying at a campground in a cabin. She raises her eyebrows, puts her hand on my knee and says, "I'm just going to ask you this flat out. Are you HOMELESS?" I feel my face flush bright red and I rush to answer NO NO! I try to regain composure and the kids are getting louder and louder. They're beginning to throw balls at each other. I stammer, "Have you heard of _____ campground? No? It's here in town. They have a 4-season cabin. It's temporary. We're traveling while my husband is deployed." I smile as coolly as possible and she asks where we will go in Dec. I tell her we are going to visit with family. She asks what we will do after that because Violet should have started services when she was 2. I say it depends on how fast Tricare can gather their eggs.
GraceAnne interrupts the awkward convo with a sweet voice saying, "Mommy...I'm hungry." Miss Jennifer looks concerned. I remind GraceAnne that she ate *just* before we came and there is nothing I can do. Then Corbin chimes in, "I am just so hungry mommy." I shoot the horrified Miss Jennifer a weak smile and return to the conversation, telling her that we are looking at condos for Jan-Jun so we will be close to the autism therapy place and Corbin's surgeon. She looks alarmed and says, "And what is HIS diagnosis?!" This is when I laugh and say, "dacryocystitis." She asks what needs to be done about that and I assure her it is taken care of.
Throughout the rest of the strained conversation I notice that the white liner from my coat that I'm wearing is very dirty about the cuffs. I notice that one of my shoes is "talking" and that somoene has dropped some lunch on my pants. I remember that I have no makeup on and that my hair is in a haphazard ponytail because I am having serious gluten-induced brain fog (and because I usually look this way...hahaha) I recognize that I am on a post that is comprised of mostly majors and above. I realize I really do LOOK like a hobo. As she explains what will happen next with Violet's therapies,I look at the kids, who are getting antsier by the moment, and realize that Corbin has no socks on, (they had to take off shoes to play in the ball pit) and Violet's hair is a hot mess (straggly as usual. yes, I brushed it this morning) and GraceAnne has been acting about 3 years younger than she is since we left New York. I am horrified and I'm not sure I could get much more horrified, but then Violet walks over to Miss Jennifer and says, "we are going to the laundromat after we leave here."
Take note. I am a homeless mother of hungry, dirty children who hasn't paid attention to her daughter's needs for 3 years and we have every stitch of clothing we own in the back of our 96 suburban.
Then GraceAnne comes over and tells Miss Jennifer, "I really love this stuffed teddy bear. I wish I could take it back to the campground." And usually people say "I know, but that has to stay here for the other kids" but instead Miss Jennifer says, "Oh, he so needs a home and a child to love him. Could you please take him?" At which point the other 2 start chiming in about how they want treasures from around the office. She loads them up and offers me a box full of sports equipment from Special Olympics. I say sure because at this point, I just want out of there and don't want to play the "no, really, are you SURE you don't want it!?" game.
We are all waddling out of the office with stacks of paperwork and toys and a gigantic box of stuff. Corbin is running off in all directions and going into offices. I would just as soon melt into the carpeted hallway and disappear forever than have to walk to the car with this woman and Violet starts her fit throwing.
We finally stumble outside and I can't manage to make her get off the ground, so I decide to put the things in the car first. I get halfway to the car when I look back to see that Violet has VELCROED herself to Miss Jennifer. I put my things down in the dirt and run back, apologizing. I try to peel Violet off this woman's leg and Violet says, "I want to stay with yoooooou! I don't want to go with my Moooooommy!!"
oh.my.god. I finally got her peeled off and she was totally pissed at me so she threw her stuffed animal in the dirt and screamed her bloody head off as we walked away from it. I managed to get her buckled into her seat and went back to pick up all the items we had left in the yard. I tried to find my dignity, but I think it slinked into the couch in that tiny room. So I went to the laundromat and thought about how I'm going to have to give up one of 2 paychecks for December's budget to the rental and I'm living in a 3-room cabin with no permanent address and I'm in a laundromat.
At the end of the day, it's really kinda hilarious. When I don't think about it too hard.
The joys of life "on the road."
11.07.2013
Zevia Giveaway!
So as I promised in our last post, one of our awesome new sponsors, Zevia, is giving FIVE of my readers a FREE 6-pack of Zevia.
But first, what is Zevia and how did they come to be a sponsor? Well, Zevia is a soda brand that uses no refined sugars, but sweetens with stevia instead. Stevia is a plant and the sweetness garnered from it's leaves does not affect blood glucose levels or insulin levels. This soda has 0 calories and is shown to be safe for diabetics without containing yucky chemical sweeteners made in a lab.
I was curious about Zevia when I saw it at a Target store about a year ago. I confess, I am a soda lover. When I was a kid I often had sore throats and the fizziness of a Coke would help my throat feel better. As an adult I became a die-hard Dr Pepper fan and since our family has changed our eating habits, we typically only indulge in soda that has been made with pure cane sugar every once in a great while.
Last month, I attended the WOW Summit through Mom's Meet in Philadelphia. (You can read about it HERE) There was a super-fun room for all the Mom-Ambassadors that had lots of sponsors with samples and coupons and information. The girls from Zevia were one of my favorite booths! They were so much fun I had to give up my reluctance and taste the soda. I took a couple cans back to my room and though I only "liked" my can, the kids were ga-ga over it! Everytime I went back down to the Summit, they would hound me for more. Over the course of the Summit I did end up finding a couple flavors I really do like a lot, my favorite so far is Ginger Root Beer. The kids love Grape and Orange and Cherry Cola and...oh, they have loved every flavor they've tried! We are ALL looking forward to finding and trying out Strawberry.
I took a class with the Zevia girls about blogging with brands and later shot an email out to see if Zevia would marry my blog and VOILA! Here we are! Being on the road, sometimes the best part of our week is getting something fabulous in the mail (who am I kidding, I was a mail spazz before I was on the road!) and Kipling over at Zevia surprised us with a multi-flavor 6 pack when we finally got back to Kansas. It was one of the highlights of day for the kids (recall that was the day of the autism assessment) to find the box of colorful cans and then talk half the day about which one they would drink while they watched their movie.
Enough about all that, though, let's get on with the winning! a Rafflecopter giveaway
But first, what is Zevia and how did they come to be a sponsor? Well, Zevia is a soda brand that uses no refined sugars, but sweetens with stevia instead. Stevia is a plant and the sweetness garnered from it's leaves does not affect blood glucose levels or insulin levels. This soda has 0 calories and is shown to be safe for diabetics without containing yucky chemical sweeteners made in a lab.
I was curious about Zevia when I saw it at a Target store about a year ago. I confess, I am a soda lover. When I was a kid I often had sore throats and the fizziness of a Coke would help my throat feel better. As an adult I became a die-hard Dr Pepper fan and since our family has changed our eating habits, we typically only indulge in soda that has been made with pure cane sugar every once in a great while.
Last month, I attended the WOW Summit through Mom's Meet in Philadelphia. (You can read about it HERE) There was a super-fun room for all the Mom-Ambassadors that had lots of sponsors with samples and coupons and information. The girls from Zevia were one of my favorite booths! They were so much fun I had to give up my reluctance and taste the soda. I took a couple cans back to my room and though I only "liked" my can, the kids were ga-ga over it! Everytime I went back down to the Summit, they would hound me for more. Over the course of the Summit I did end up finding a couple flavors I really do like a lot, my favorite so far is Ginger Root Beer. The kids love Grape and Orange and Cherry Cola and...oh, they have loved every flavor they've tried! We are ALL looking forward to finding and trying out Strawberry.
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| Yummy mixed drink made with Zevia at the Summit |
I took a class with the Zevia girls about blogging with brands and later shot an email out to see if Zevia would marry my blog and VOILA! Here we are! Being on the road, sometimes the best part of our week is getting something fabulous in the mail (who am I kidding, I was a mail spazz before I was on the road!) and Kipling over at Zevia surprised us with a multi-flavor 6 pack when we finally got back to Kansas. It was one of the highlights of day for the kids (recall that was the day of the autism assessment) to find the box of colorful cans and then talk half the day about which one they would drink while they watched their movie.
Enough about all that, though, let's get on with the winning! a Rafflecopter giveaway
11.05.2013
Diagnosis and Down Time
Today we had Violet's autism assessment, which was one of the big reasons for us coming back to Kansas. We left early to make sure we could find the clinic. We needed to score some lunch and check our mail, too. I didn't exactly know where we were, so I was very pleasantly surprised when we made 2 turns and found the mail facility and Trader Joe's.
I'm wishing you all some rest of your own in this season of go-go-go.
Next it was off to the assessment. The determination? PPD-NOS (High Functioning Autism) with Sensory Integration issues. What does this mean? Really, nothing new. Violet has always been Violet and she always will be. The only thing that changes is our ability to get the training we need to help her grow into exactly who she was made to be.
So her diagnosis is good news. But the appointment flat wore me out. 3.5 hours of talking and watching and thinking and prodding will fry a brain. Thankfully the kids had a blast, they didn't even want to leave. Violet really attached herself to the doctor...literally...I had to peel her off the doctor to leave.
I had dinner to consider, but couldn't bring myself to actually use the mush between my ears, so we stopped at Chick-fil-A so the kids could play while I had some coffee and sent an email to daddy about our girl.
I initially wanted to go to Target afterwards, but it was rainy and already getting dark so we came home instead. The kids have been begging to see The Croods again, so tonight is a family movie night complete with popcorn (stove-popped in coconut oil with lots of butter, Real Salt and nutritional yeast) and a Zevia soda, which was waiting for us as an awesome surprise at the mailbox! (Keep an eye out, because they are going to give 5 of my readers a free 6-pack of their own 0-calorie, smarter soda!)
I'm really grateful for this much needed family night and a few days with no doctor appointments or bills or anything except settling in, getting some school done and learning what it really looks like to do life without Allan. There will probably be some tears, but hopefully there will be a lot of love, too.
11.04.2013
Welcome Home...Again
So it turns out that when your husband takes his carload of crap and then you bring your carload of crap and one of you deploys...2 carloads of crap become one. Thankfully we had transported a lot of what we needed to store when we came to Kansas for Corbin's appointment with the surgeon in August, but that still left a lot of hubby's things that needed to be stored. We were cram-packed into this truck this trip. The last 2 days at the lakehouse, I resigned myself to having no semblance of order whatsoever and took on the mindset of, "GET IT IN THERE."**Side note**Thanks to this mentality, when I let the 9-year-old be responsible to pack clothes, she forgot the pants...so we all looked like hobos in dirty pants the entire trip because I couldn't find the rest of our clothes. Rockin' job, eh?
Our first stop was only an hour south of the lakehouse because it was Halloween and we wanted to Trick-or-Treat, so we used the opportunity to visit with a friend one last time. The kids had a blast and I realized we need to do more "training" for Disney than I had previously expected. I was WORN OUT after about 45 minutes in that busy mall.
The next day was another power-through and we made it to St Louis, where we had the most terrible food experiences of the week. We didn't even get to eat until 9:30pm (not for lack of trying!) Gluten-free living on the road has got to get easier. I couldn't find a Super Target to save my life, even with my app! But, literally the ENTIRE DAY we had skies like this:
The day ended on a good note with this to "come home" to.
Today has been mixed. This morning was awesome, as a couple of friends let us use their washer and dryer and even left me coffee (they *do* love me!)
The real problem with the questionnaire is that it makes me realize how hard things ARE. I mean, yeah, I know, I do live this life afterall, but to just lay it all out there and to score it is a big slap in the face. I deal because I have to and I'm good at it by anyone's account. I know how to handle pressure. But to see it all on a piece of paper and face the reality of what the doctor is thinking when she looks at it is difficult.
By the time we finally got out of there and headed down for the labs she ordered (oh yeah...I was there for physical problems! I had forgotten) the kids were just OVER it. I was mad at them at the time, but I can't really blame them. This is one of the hardest times of their lives, they just spent 3 days in a car and now they get to sit in doctors offices for hours? Not so fun. So I wasn't able to get the x-ray she ordered, but I did manage to get the blood drawn.
On the way home I may have had a meltdown and it may have been pretty ugly. I have since made up with the kids and we had a really great evening together full of lots of bonding, but something has to give. I feel as if I'm under a tremendous pressure and I miss my husband desperately. I don't "fit" anywhere because he is deployed, yet he is a government contractor/retired military. I want community, but I don't want to be social. Everything seems very *hard* right now.
Per the suggestion of a good friend who talked me down off the "I'm the worst mother on earth" ledge, I am going to make a list of what I got done today. And tomorrow we will take it one task at a time (please pray, Violet has her autism assessment tomorrow...it's going to be a very long, hard day) and if the kids eat take-out and go to bed without washed hair, as long as there were no mommy melt-downs, I will consider it a success.
Today was a success because:
- I got to cuddle Corbin before the girls woke up
- I managed to make breakfast (eggs) and coffee and get everyone dressed and ready to do laundry with minimal fussing
- We did enough laundry to get us through the next few days
- We made it to the doctor's office on time
- I was able to get my blood drawn and UA done
- I calmed down enough to make it home and called a friend
- We went for a walk and talked to the property manager and saw lots of animals
- We dropped daddy's stuff off at storage, repacked the entire thing and got out sheets because we found out today linens are not provided
- I actually saved the sheets (okay, so this happened months ago, but I was pretty stoked! I was not looking forward to buying more)
- We ate a hot, organic dinner at home(pre-made tamales from Whole Foods, OH.MY.YUM!)
- The kids all got bathed and lotioned
- We made the beds
- We read a story
- We talked nicely to each other all morning and all evening
- The kids went to bed happy and feeling loved
- I wrote a blog post
So this turned into something I didn't intend for it to be, but there it is. I hope you're having a good night and that you found some encouragement today.
10.31.2013
The day we moved. Again.
Today...today begins our traveling life without dad. I would like to write about how we feel about that, but I am on my phone in a hotel, so I will be brief.
We are so weird. These are my many gluten free grains that are strapped behind the truck.
Friggin Hurricane Blowhard of NNY 2013 made sure everything I loaded today was soaked and me too. There may have been some sky cursing.
Violet was having a sensory day...we are crammed in and the new car seat is her best friend and worst enemy.
We needed to take the last load of trash to the dumpster and there was no room anywhere except on GraceAnne's lap.
But after some lunch and driving in the rain the littles passed out and GraceAnne settled in. And the rest of the ride was pretty quiet. Next up, showers, costumes and trick-or-treat at a local-for-today mall. Happy Halloween!
10.23.2013
Egg Free, Gluten Free, Tapioca Free dumplings (for chicken & dumplings)
My family requested chicken and dumplings this week. I can't blame them, the weather is perfect for this classic comfort dish. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't balk a bit...this is not a meal we've had since going gluten-free. BUT, since there are so many GF noodles and biscuits in the world, I thought surely there must be a GF dumpling recipe hidden somewhere on the internet.
Try as I might, for 2 days I came upon recipe after recipe that included tapioca (which I've recently discovered I have really yucky reactions to) or another flour we didn't have on hand. We're getting ready to move, so buying more flours is out. Further, we prefer a noodle-y dumpling and most recipes are for making them "fluffy."
Finally, I settled on a very simple recipe and tweaked it for what I had on hand.
I was very skeptical to try this, since I had seen NO recipes using a flax egg substitute and I'm not a huge fan of garbanzo flour (which I added because 1. I had it and 2. I wanted some extra protein to help achieve the density I was looking for in my dumplings) But, as it turns out, there was nothing left to photograph once we got a taste of the finished product! I think we've found a winner.
It was very well recieved by my 2 gluten eaters and I have to say that the texture was pretty spot on to the dumplings I used to make with unbleached flour. The flavor was not overpowering, but held its own against the gravy.
Please feel free to mess with these flour ratios based on what you have on hand and report back to tell us what you used and how it turned out. I hope you're as pleased as my family was!
Try as I might, for 2 days I came upon recipe after recipe that included tapioca (which I've recently discovered I have really yucky reactions to) or another flour we didn't have on hand. We're getting ready to move, so buying more flours is out. Further, we prefer a noodle-y dumpling and most recipes are for making them "fluffy."
Finally, I settled on a very simple recipe and tweaked it for what I had on hand.
2 flax "eggs" (2 tbsp ground flax seed+3tbsp warm water. Let sit until "slimy" like an egg)
1/2 cup white rice flour
1/4 cup garbanzo bean flour (chickpea flour)
1/4 cup arrowroot powder
1 heaping tsp baking powder
pinch of salt
plain kefir to achieve proper consistency (to make this vegan, you could use something else for the liquid, I just wanted the slightly tangy flavor that the kefir adds)
First, whisk together the dry ingredients. Add "eggs" and mix until combined. Add liquid until mixture will hold together. Form small spoonfuls and drop into boiling liquid (in this case I had chicken broth/vegetable broth with veggies and chunks of chicken at a low boil) Cook, uncovered, for 10 minutes. Cover and cook an additional 10 minutes.
I was very skeptical to try this, since I had seen NO recipes using a flax egg substitute and I'm not a huge fan of garbanzo flour (which I added because 1. I had it and 2. I wanted some extra protein to help achieve the density I was looking for in my dumplings) But, as it turns out, there was nothing left to photograph once we got a taste of the finished product! I think we've found a winner.
It was very well recieved by my 2 gluten eaters and I have to say that the texture was pretty spot on to the dumplings I used to make with unbleached flour. The flavor was not overpowering, but held its own against the gravy.
Please feel free to mess with these flour ratios based on what you have on hand and report back to tell us what you used and how it turned out. I hope you're as pleased as my family was!
10.20.2013
Christmas-2013 style
We've decorated some around the cabin:
And we counted down days until our big celebration:
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| She's getting too big |
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| Legos are always a hit! |
And after all the carefully chosen Mickey Mouse paper had flown, we were ready for the big reveal!
I had to bring back the link to the video, because I was told this video doesn't have sound. Sorry about that! I guess we figured out one thing 4g mobile hotspot is not good for!
So HERE IS THE LINK for the video of the scavenger hunt/Walt Disney World reveal.
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