Making Christmas #3: The Trains

Every year Northpark mall has a huge train display set up for Christmas. Allan loves trains and this year he has a son to share the trains with, so we HAD to go. The girls love it, too.

Little conductors!

The train tree. We may consider doing something like this some coming year...it was VERY cool.

Yes, my son is in his diaper...in public. But that's part of that not stressing about things during the holidays deal. He peed through his diaper on the way up and his pants were soaked. It was toasty warm in the mall, so he just got carried most of the time and whoever didn't like it could deal with it. He had a blast!

I can't explain it, and I used to think it would make me really mad if somehow having a son to show these things to made Allan "happier" than it made him to show the girls. He has been the most amazingly fabulous dad for little girls and they have been exposed to everything from being little ballerinas to working power tools to watching dad fix the car. There is just *something* about doing "boy" things with a little boy. It's not better, per se, just different and deeply satisfying. I suppose in the same way I tear up with joy when I see my little girls in the quintessential Christmas dress. I have always been so proud to see my man with his daughters, but seeing him with his son just lights up a whole new part of my life I didn't know could exist. I suppose kids are just funny that way, period.

Making Christmas #2: The parade

Every year our town has a Christmas parade. Every year but 1 it has actually been REALLY cold during the parade. It's never on the same day, but it is always cold. Pretty cool if you ask me! Oh, and by the way, I realize that I probably need a better camera for Christmas, but it is what it is for now.
We laughed pretty hard at the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard and the Hazzard County Sheriff

The last 2 years our little Gracie-Rayne has been in the parade! Can you see her in the middle of the very front, waving the highest? She's a daisy scout. We always cheer like crazy people while she goes past. In a small town, anyone could be a part of the parade, really, but we still feel like it's super special.

Of course, the best part of these Christmas things is family and friends. We met up with some really good friends of ours to watch the parade together. They have 2 of the sweetest little grandbabies! Violet and Hayden are about the same age and Corbin and Jaida are about the same age. We're so blessed to have such wonderful friends.

my little man! I just love to snuggle and cuddle him. He's not as cuddly as Violet was, but that doesn't stop me from soaking up every minute I can.

What is it really about?

Today our pastor talked about holiday stress. I can't say I never succumb, but I decided years ago that if the holidays stressed me out, I would cease to participate. It's just not worth it to me if I can't sit back and think about the real meaning of the season and what's really important. I can be stressed out any old time of the year.

Here are some ways that we personally try to take the stress and commercialism out of this holiday. Some have been successful and others we're not so good at yet, but we try and usually have a lot of laughs to go along with it:
-we don't buy a lot of presents. The kids get 3 each, (they are well thought out) and for extended family we try to do something handmade. Since we have 3 huge pecan trees in our back yard, we love to pick the pecans, get them shelled and mail them for Christmas. They are a hit with our northern families who don't get fresh pecans.
-the kids make Christmas crafts, at home. Yeah, they always bring cute stuff back from school, but our kids make cookies, paper trees and homemade bird feeders, (pincones slathered in PB and rolled in birdseed) at home.
-we play and sing (loudly and terribly) Christmas music. All of it. Sometimes the thoughtful stuff and sometimes the hilariously stupid ones. We even sing to that God-awful "Last Christmas" by Wham! and usually we make up new words.
-we read LOTS of Christmas books. We have a whole huge Pampered Chef box full that doesn't come out until the day after Thanksgiving.
-we budget whatever kinds of things will put our family in the holiday spirit so that we can feel more at "home." It's expensive to go home for the holidays and a hassle with so many kids, so we do stuff in the hopes that we are making happy memories for our kids that they can take with them. I can't explain this the way I want, except that maybe instead of "it's not Christmas without snow" they'll be able to take Christmas with them wherever they are...

So this December I think I might try to post some pictures of some of the things we do to make it Christmas to our hearts.

December 2nd we went to one of those drive-through lights exhibits. It was actually nice and chilly and it SNOWED inside the tent where they showed the holiday movie. Okay...they used a snow machine, but we'll take what we can get, especially when the following day was 75 degrees.















we put them in their new Christmas jammies and packed up to head an hour north.
we sang like fools all the way there

in the middle they have a place to get out and go ride rides, get food and drinks and watch a Christmas show. Talk about value adding!

we rode the carousel and had NO tears! The babies are getting so big!

we enjoyed huge Christmas cookies decorated with about a pound of frosting and sprinkles

And we stood in line to watch the Christmas show.

It was actually cold out, (cold enough for coats outside anyway) so it was pretty festive to us snowbunnies.

The kids waited eagerly for the show to start.

and it SNOWED!!! We had no idea about that part of it, so it was just amazing. I think Allan might have teared up just a little and I almost jumped out of my seat in excitement.

We had a LOT of laughs...like at this NERD here. Nice, Urkle

The walkthrough lights were very cool, too.

These snowflakes were lighting in succession, so the girls kept pretending it was snowing on them. Corbin thought it was all pretty awesome.

and that's all the pictures for this edition. I've got 2 other events to add, so keep an eye out :) Hope you're all making your own Christmases bright, too! And most importantly, remembering what's REALLY important this holiday.

A Rough Overview

What are we doing?
If you recall, our New Year's Resolution was to get closer to self-sustainability. To that end we started up the garden boxes, changed some more eating habits, attempted to start recycling and building a compost. There have been lots of other little changes here and there, too. We bought a ton of books that would help us learn to eventually live on a farm of our own.

This August began the 7th year that Allan and I have been together. I was reading in my bible last year about how the 7th year was the year of jubilee--the Jews would all store things up for the 6 years and on the 7th year they would do no "work," instead trusting God to have provided them with enough to get through the year of jubilee. We talked about what that looked like to us, (after all, if it doesn't apply to us now, what good is it?) and we decided that it looked like us committing our relationship and our lives to the Lord. We talked about doing things like marriage seminars and working less so we could spend more family time together.

As for the restlessness in our spirits, I think it's fairly clear to anyone who has been reading along here. We need to MOVE. Not necessarily in location, (though we strongly feel that may be on the horizon) but in spirit. It's time for an about-face. So, Allan quit his residency and we put the house on the market. He took the first two of his board exams to be a certified prosthetist and will take the final in January. We'll find out in March if he is certifiable, (haha, no pun intended, but it fits) and at this point, whether or not he is is not much of a huge deal anymore.

We've been Blessed with a monthly pension from the VA that is measly, but if we can get the equity out of this house we're looking for and put it into a cheap piece of property and house, we can afford to live on just that. It won't be extravagant, but that's not the aim.

What is the aim? To be self-sufficient, to rely only on the Lord and our hands for what we get. I'm not interested, (and haven't been for a long time) in "stuff" anymore. It just looks like clutter that distracts us from the Lord and worse--from each other. Afterall, I'll get to spend eternity with God, but I only have a few precious years with these wonderful people he put in my life. The more stuff I have to clean, keep track of and upgrade, the less time I have to spend on/with my friends and family. I'm sure that sounds absolutely insane, but...it is what it is. We have downsized so much in the last 2 years and the only time I feel bad about it is when someone comes over and says something.

We want to give A LOT. So it seems backwards, right? Why don't you WORK HARDER so you can GIVE MORE. That seems logical...but...the more we make, the more the percentage of what we give goes down. I can't begin to explain that, but it's a trend I've noticed. Plus we have less time to invest, (there are more ways to give than just monetarily) and we're more exhausted/grumpy so our giving seems shallow. Who needs that?

Overwhelmingly, we NEED to have land. We need it to grow food for us and raise animals for us and we need it to do the same for other people we come in contact with. Neither of us has the first idea how to do this other than what we've read in books, but it will get done. The learning curve will probably be steep, but we have faith that God will help us along the way as He always has. Especially since we know this is His will for our lives.

Ultimately it has become glaringly clear to us in the last 18 months that life here is great, but there is something bigger. Life here is comfortable, but there is something more liberating. Life here is "normal" to the outside world, but there is something strange and beautiful. What is that something waiting on? Us to listen to the calling. So we are. We've been toe-ing the line for a while and now it's time to jump. We know He will catch us.

None of this is what I intended to write. I had it all in my head and organized so it would make sense, but I sat down to a cloudiness and this is what came out. So my prayer is that you, as the reader and as someone who loves me and my family, will get out of it exactly what He needed you to get out of it and that you'll pray for us, not to change our minds, but to be guided clearly in the coming months. It's possible His answer is "no, not right now." and if that's the case we'll stay here, but we're pretty sure things are about to change drastically.

Love and miss you all!

What does it matter?

I want to put a little pre-emptive salve on this post...please take everything written just to mean this is how WE feel. We do not impose these feelings and thoughts or beliefs on anyone else. If you don't believe this or it rubs you wrong, that's okay. We're perfectly okay with how we feel on these topics and we're perfectly okay with how you feel. Now for our regularly scheduled blog post:



So I got saved. So what? What does that mean? For most Christians it means I am a "good" person, get to go to heaven and God won't let anything bad happen to me. Then something bad happens and we wander around wondering if we got duped. Maybe this "saving grace" thing is a farce...maybe I won't be so good, since it didn't save me/my family/my friend from __________.



Or maybe I go to church and I have heard some bible stories and I believe that being saved means that even though bad things happen, I will always have a God who is bigger. He doesn't really care about my problems here on this earth, but He will ultimately take me away to paradise, so it's okay...I'll trudge through this existence.



Or maybe it means that I'm saved this week because I confessed my sins and turned away from them for a few days, but DARN IT! I just can't stay away from XYZ so I'll need to go confess again on Sunday, (or pray for forgiveness on Wednesday or whatever my path to forgiveness looks like.) and I hope I don't die a on Saturday evening.



I think any of us who has traveled this path of American Christianity has lived in either of those places or maybe even a mixture of all three. If you're like me you've moved from one to the other depending on the year, (or the time of month!) searching for the one that feels "right" but never finding it.



So what is the point? What does any of this matter? Why are we here? Why are we selling our house and moving to the country? It's so very complicated---or it's not! It's actually so very simple! If my love and faith in Jesus Christ does not compel me to action, what good is it? What point is a faith where I have to sacrifice things that make me feel good, if doing so does nothing but saves me (from what!?) after I'm dead?



These are questions I've struggled with most of my life. I grew up in a Methodist church and I was as God-fearing as any little 8 year old you ever saw. I believed for a good portion of my life that God was an angry, punishing God--like the mother who spanks her child for even looking like she was THINKING about being naughty. You can blame my dad, you can blame my Sunday School teacher; later on in life you can blame my pastor, but I blame myself. If my faith in God didn't inspire me to LOOK at what HE says, then what good was it?



Evidently not much good...it took me until I was 25 to be able to say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I first-of-all BELIEVE in heaven and that I am going to heaven, no matter what. I have a heavenly Father who loves me just that much, that He would die to pay my way. I don't think that's so hard to believe--wouldn't we die for our own children? It wasn't until I was 25 years old that I actually looked into the book that I proclaimed to believe in, (because being a CHRISTIAN means that I accept CHRIST and Christ Himself said that every word of the bible is God breathed. If I follow Christ, then by default I must believe in the bible, like it or not) and you know what I found? A lot more than what the preacher mentions on Sunday morning. And a whole lot more than what the athiests tout to the immature Christians to knock them off their faith. I won't get into it, but I was one of those tout-ers for a time in my life. I'm not being judgemental, I KNOW for a fact they get a kick out of using scriptures against people who truly SHOULD know what they believe but don't, because that was me.



Then it took me till age 27 to believe that if I deserve redemption, so does my bastard of a grandfather who ripped away my innocence at age 3. That's a hard pill to swallow, no? I won't even delve any deeper than that except to say my faith moved me to a place where I believe we are ALL broken and we ALL deserve love. Can that be explained? Probably not. Do I still despise the man and what he did to me? Yes...I sure do. But I no longer wish he'd rot in hell for eternity and that lifts a huge weight from me.



For the past 4 years I've sought God in His word, through prayer, through a lot of praise when I didn't see much worth praising. I've pushed through some hard things to end up a more secure Christian with a better grasp on my own faith. I don't know everything--I could only hope to live long enough to memorize even half of scripture--but I know enough to figure out that it's not my knowledge that matters, because knowledge doesn't comfort us when we lose our legs or our babies die. It's our RELATIONSHIP that matters.



And so we've resigned ourselves to do what the Lord leads us to do and that's a hard road. It looks uncertain, it looks less smooth and comfortable than the one we created. It looks very much unlike the rest of the world and it calls us to be outside of our comfort-zone more than we'd like to be. He's leading us to live more as He created us to live. What does He want for US? (again, I disclaim that this is anyone's calling but ours; each of us has a unique relationship and calling)

-to rely on Him and the soil/seeds/animals He created for sustenance. To raise those things in the way He designed--free of chemicals and foods that they're not made to eat.

-to raise our children to know what it feels like make dirt from kitchen scraps and yard clippings and plant a tiny seed in that dirt and then nurture, harvest and eat that miraculousness.

-to find more joy in just being together instead of being so busy

-to give abundantly of what we have to others...not just money, but mostly time and love

-to not chase so hard after a dollar so we can do one more thing or buy one more thing that we lose ourselves and our family in the meantime

-to show others, through our lifestyle and the joy we find in it, that Christianity is an amazing adventure instead of a pain-in-the-ass living sacrifice

And that's just what I've clearly heard/seen Him speak into our lives...I know there is so much more on the horizon for us!



Ultimately, the conclusion we've come to in all our prayer and all of our reading and all of our hearts is that if our faith doesn't move us to do something, it's worth nothing. Who wants that? Who wants a dead faith? How can we share this amazing gift we have (the love and relationship with Jesus Christ) if we make it look like something you wouldn't give 2 cents for? When we grumble all through the week and grumble again on Sundays cuz we "had to" get up who wants to be us?? We do ourselves a serious disservice to not investigate why we feel that way and what it REALLY means. It doesn't mean we aren't devout enough, it simply means we haven't taken the time to figure out what grace actually is.

Giving Thanks

This year we gave up our usual--I typically put on a massive spread and invite over whatever stragglers we can find--and travelled out to Floydada, TX to spend Thanksgiving with some good friends who live at a Baptist camp. It was AMAZING!

I am so grateful that we have friends to lean/lay on ;)

The dinner was amazing, even though Melissa was nervous about it. She had never made a Thanksgiving dinner or even really cooked for that many people, so she was a little worried, but she did a fabulous job! We were all stuffed and had a really fun time.

Of course I thought of my family who I miss so much: My mom and sisters, who define Thanksgiving for me. There are no happier memories of the day than those with my mom...always on a strange day so we could go to our dad's family's house and she could work for time and a half...always the most delicious. I am so thankful that I had them to shape my childhood!

I'm also thankful for the family I've helped to create: my husband and children who make me full and whole. I am thankful for our home and the memories we make together. I am so very blessed.

I am thankful God took care of my garden for me while I was gone. It has been so neglected by human hands, but it's obvious no tiny detail escapes my Lord.

pretty little parsley sprouts!

Who says it's fall? I just LOVE this picture. I may blow it up and frame it. Yes...I think I am turning into a farmer!

Broccoli and garlic. I cannot WAIT to eat fresh broccoli crowns. I love broccoli and I'm thankful to my husband for introducing me. He made them for me when I was very first pregnant with GraceAnne...it was the first meal he ever made me and I thought I hated broccoli. I cried when I saw he was making it. I panicked, but decided I would eat it just to be nice, since he had been so amazing to cook for me. I was HOOKED and ate it at least 2x weekly for the rest of my pregnancy and it's still one of my faves.

romaine. We've been plucking leaves and using them. I so love going outside to get things instead of to the grocery store!

sugar-snap peas. These are doing great. The picture is a couple weeks old, now they have tons of flowers and one tiny pod is developing. I'm so excited!

I'm thankful for my bible study home-group. We meet on Thursdays and have since June. They are some of our very best friends and even though we knew them all and loved them before we started the group, I can say we have grown SO close in the last few months. They have traveled ups and downs with me and loved on us and our kids and we do the same for them. I am amazed at how far we've all come together and really have no idea what I'd do without them. The weeks we can't get together on Thursdays I'm lost and scrambling to figure out when we can get together.

I'm thankful for a man who makes pancakes (from scratch, even!!) with the babies on Saturday mornings and makes any shape they want.

and for the sweet babies who get up and pile in our bed and love on us before the day begins.

the man who fixes our cars so we don't have to pay an arm and a leg!

and repairs/improves our home so we don't have to pay an arm and a leg!

and mostly for all the joy, laughter, fullness, excitement, love, peace and beauty that is our home. I am thankful that we can call wherever we land our home and that God will transfer all that over to a new place whenever/ifever we find it.

I have had a few questions about what is going on around here and I promise I'll be back in the next few days. I have 2 blog posts stewing around in my head and I'll update everyone.

Love and miss you all! Pray you had a FABULOUS Thanksgiving, surrounded by the people you love and chewing on the memories of wonderful years past.

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to

I haven't been here in a while. Partly because our life is so insanely busy, even though Allan quit his job, but partly because I feel guilty subjecting people to my whining. But...then I realized I don't force anyone to read and it's my blog, so I'll cry if I want to.

Overall things are good. Corbin's eye seems better, it still gets red but doesn't puff up. He'll have the stint removed in January. Violet is learning so much every day and GraceAnne is loving homeschool. In fact, we're leaving this week and she said she doesn't want to go because she will miss school too much. Being as we've only gotten through 5 weeks in the last two months, I agree with her, but I'm glad she likes it. It has been good for us to work together and learn so much from each other.

Allan's mom came to help with the kids while I was in NY and I had an AMAZING time there. I learned so much and met some super great people. I am so grateful for the experience! Allan took 2/3 of his board exams to become a certified prosthetist and he's elated to not have the work monkey on his back right now.

The house will be on the market as of Wednesday. I'm SO nervous. On the one hand I want it to sell so we can go make our dreams come true, but on the other hand I'm scared/sad to leave. I LOVE this house! I love most everything about it. Life is moving so fast and I'm not ready. I find myself digging my heels in, demanding a slower pace and being sleepy A LOT. I don't know what the future looks like AT ALL and while it's exciting, it's also terrifying. I have a mantra along the lines of "God wants good for us. God wants good for us." So it can't be that bad.

I wish I could say I don't miss the baby anymore, but I do. Terribly. I wish I could say it no longer stings to hear a woman say, "March" when I ask her when she's due. I wish I could say I'm not sad when I look at the jar full of change that we raided to save our sanity in October, knowing we won't be taking any trip in March. I wish I could say I'm not disappointed that I have no drive to continue running. But I'd be lying if I said any of those things. Corbin is getting so big and he's walking all over the place now. It just seems wrong. He's getting big so fast and life is moving so fast and I can't catch a minute of it. I feel like I sit here in perpetual pause as far as my emotions are concerned and life flies past me at a speed I can't quite comprehend. I wake up each day with the intent to feel differently, to move on, to run at the speed of my family and friends...some days it works, other days I fall down.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind most days. Everything piles up around me and I feel like I'm drowning. I have no idea how to word things and I used to take such pride in my writing/speaking abilities. I feel like I've lost a piece of myself, a piece of my soul, along with the baby. Every month I know when I'm ovulating and I find myself wishing and then I remember we can't have babies. Sure--if God feels like Blessing us with more children, He can definitely do it, but I just don't think that's happening. It's a much harder road than I ever imagined. I pray someone else finds some peace in realizing they are not alone. This doesn't seem to be good for much else.

Anyway, I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't pen that, so there it is. I'm going to put some pictures up for you now to redeem myself. Love and miss you all. Praying you have a FABULOUS Thanksgiving and that you have lots of thanks to give. I know I do, and I go down my list daily to keep my perspective.

I don't think I posted any pix of them in their costumes!

Me and my new friend Karie and EBV-F in NY. I miss her!!

In his Syracuse shirt. SO CUTE! I love dressing a little boy :D

me and my hunny-bear.

EBV-F

What a week! I haven't even had a minute since I got home to sit down and write about my experience in NY. I don't know if anyone remembers my mentioning this a couple months ago, but I was accepted into the Entrepreneurial Bootcamp for Veterans' Families.

For lack of time, let me do the Who, What, Where, When, Why and How model for you...

Who--this is a group that was started by Mike Haynie of Syracuse University as a program for disabled veterans to better equip them to transition into civilian life. It grew to include 7 other universities around the country, (Allan attended the one at Texas A&M) and this was the very first class of the expanded version for caregivers of wounded vets. They are an amazing organization and really do a lot of good, so if you're looking for a place to send some money, it would be well-used by EBV!

What--a master's program in entrepreneurship (starting your own business) rolled up into one week. It is SUPER intense, but they take great care of their students. We learned everything from finding a passion/idea to writing a business plan to marketing to legal issues. The best part is that they follow us home and offer us a support structure that we can count on in the future as we work our way through the process of becoming a business owner.

Where--it all started in Syracuse, NY. The EBV program is now at schools around the country like Texas A&M, FSU, LSU and etc. I attended the program in Syracuse, NY and what a neat little town it is! The college is amazing and I was grateful to get to be in the originating place with the people who actually make the whole thing happen.

When--The program is once yearly but at different schools, so there is the opportunity to go at different times of the year. There is a 6 week online course and then a 9 day "residency" at the school you are accepted to. The EBV program kicked off 4 years ago and boasts over 500 graduates with more than 125 of those starting and maintaining successful, profitable businesses to this day. The very first EBV-F program launched this fall, with me in the inaugural class.

Why--Mike Haynie's passion is for vets because he is a vet himself. He said he found after he left the military that he struggled with a sense of purpose being "only" a professor. He brought the idea up to the dean at Syracuse and it was launched pretty quickly thereafter. The goal for the EBV program is to give disabled vets who would otherwise not be able to work create work that is purposeful and tailored to their specific abilities. The goal for EBV-F is to do the same for the caregivers of wounded vets, but also to teach work-life balance, so that we can work a business that will also allow us to care for our veterans and our families. I so love that they appreciate our need to do both.

How--This program is completely privately funded by groups like PepsiCo, Ernst & Young, etc. When you are accepted into the program, everything is covered, from the textbooks to the airfare and hotel to the professors teaching to the food (and boy did they feed us!) The only thing I pulled a dime out of my pocket for was souveniers for the kids. It was an absolutely amazing experience and I wish I had time to go on and on, but I will link for anyone who could use a program like this or knows someone who could. Please tell everyone. There are very few organizations who actually do what they say they'll do for the vets, but this is definitely one of them and they go above and beyond.

I know what I learned at EBV-F will last me a lifetime and will serve to give my family a security and a hope. I have every faith that the leaders of this program and the partners will be with me every step of the way as I move forward to see our goals through. I pray every vet who is interested will go to this class and find purpose in their lives after medical discharge. I pray every caregiver who needs to earn money for his/her family after a loss will go through this program and find purpose in their lives as well.

http://whitman.syr.edu/ebv/

November

Dear November,
You've already begun, but I KNOW you will be better than October. I pray you are slower, more thoughtful, that you take more time to be loving and kind. I pray that you give us reason for celebration and that we find resolve in the days you are with us. Thanks for stopping by, November...and for kicking that stinky old 2010 version of October out!
-Tara

Me too...National Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

Wow...Thank you, Melissa, for bringing this up. I want to link to this blog and then I'll go on with what I have to say. Yes...there's a lot of reading here for anyone actually intrested.

http://nancysmithonline.wordpress.com/2010/10/14/is-this-your-first/

So now for me. Yes, I heard some of those comments and I like to try to extend grace to those who don't know better. It makes me feel so much better to read where Nancy said, " We’re so unclear on what we actually believe about that child, that we’re uncomfortable with the grief associated with losing him or her." I have struggled with the same thing and they were MY babies. Yes, I said "they." We've had 2 losses. One right before we got pregnant with Violet and this latest one. The earlier one was "easier" I can say 3 years later because we got pregnant with Violet so soon afterward. In my head I justify it as "well...we wouldn't have had Violet." But this one...oh, this one...

Allan's analysis came back clear. Which means no more babies for us. There will be no child to cover over the grief of losing this one. That doesn't mean God isn't turning these ashes into beauty...I believe He is already showing me how He's making this tragedy into something amazing, but it does mean I don't know this grief, I've never experienced it before and it HURTS.

I mentioned to Allan last night how no one has commented on my last blog post. I don't know why that is. I know people have read it. It's okay, maybe I'm frying your grids. But I am grateful to know that it's okay to grieve and it's okay to expose things to people that may make them feel awkward. I'm grateful to have this place to share my experiences and to hopefully help others who have gone through/are going through the same things.

And that's it for me for now. This is very disconjointed and difficult to read, but there it is...my heart.

2 months

Today is 2 months since we found out our baby was gone. Sometimes I cringe when people say that someone has "left us" or is "gone" but in the case of Baby Doyle 5, it is true. I went to the ultrasound expecting to see a wiggly baby on the screen, but instead saw an empty sac where a baby had once been. It has been curious to me how that kind of thing happens, and I'll admit to being slightly disturbed that in some way my body was getting nourishment from the being it was supposed to be nourishing. But the hair-stylist I had the "divine appointment" with last month said, "maybe your baby was an angel and it just came to see you for a little while and then went back to heaven." I like her explanation better.



The bitter tears have mostly gone. I'm still sad and it's hard sometimes, to watch my body get ever smaller when it should be growing round with life, but for the most part, life has caught back up with me and busy-ness keeps me from feeling the pain very frequently.



Most of the time I feel like I'm floating at sea, but I mentioned in a post before we lost the baby that I had been feeling that way, so I suppose things are "back to normal" for the most part. I keep feeling like I'm waiting for our future to happen and really the only time the lonliness for the baby bites me in the arse now is when I remember that we had something tangible in the future to look forward to and now we don't know what it looks like--again. I don't know how to say that the way I mean it...I mean, we've known for a long time that something BIG was going to change soon and for a while, (40 days) we thought that change looked like a new baby and new familial roles, but now we're back to a faceless change, which is sometimes harder than the very hardest change you could know about.



I find myself defending my wound on occasion. What on earth does *that* mean?! Well, just that I want to feel it or expose it to others from time to time. Not because I'm some emo or goth kid, but because it seems like when you've lost something so loved, so wanted, so important you should just recognize that it was there instead of steam-rolling past it. For example, when remodeling the house, we came across a former doorway that had been boarded over and sheet-rocked. Allan thought we should "honor" the door so that everyone who visited would know that, once, a door had been in that spot. So he built a beautiful bookshelf in the doorway that was. When I come down the stairs, I admire that bookshelf. It used to be something much more functional, but then someone came in and plowed over it and it became a wall I had to decorate, (and had no decorations for, incidentally, so it was an eyesore) and a carpenter came along and decided to honor what was once there and it became something to inspire, something to look at and love. It's not what it used to be, but it's beautiful and it's a reminder.



Let me chase that rabbit 'round this bush one more time...There was once a new life that would enter this home and change its floorplan. It had a function and a purpose all its own--baby brother, youngest child, the one who changed the way we look at God--and to board that doorway up would create something that would be an eyesore (a mother who longed to remember her child, but never felt it was okay to talk about him). But instead I want a carpenter to come along and build something beautiful out of the empty space. Maybe that life is no longer functional or purposeful in and of the vision we had for it at the time, but it can be functional and beautiful in some other way.



By the way--Jesus was/is a carpenter if you're curious about the reference.



Well, that's all I got for now. Love and miss you all.

YAY OCTOBER!

It's here! My very favorite month. The fall garden is in the ground, the weather has cooled and I get to make harvest treats. The wheels are spinning wildly trying to figure what the kids will be for Halloween. The holidays are around the corner and in some ways life speeds up until the end of the year and in other ways it slows down.



Though this month is so happy, I need to ask our loved ones for some prayers. Poor Corbin is having some issues.

See that eye? He and I had some head cold/allergy stuff going on last week and his tear duct clogged up again. The pediatrician and the opthamologist agreed that it's not going to fix itself, like most kids, so he needs the plastic surgery done. They put him on another heavy-duty antibiotic and put a referral into the surgeon. When the surgeon's scheduler called they orginally told us to come in Monday, (tomorrow) but then they asked me if Corbin had any breathing issues...

So I had to tell them about the RSV and the allergies causing asthma symptoms and the breathing treatments and the whooping cough and the apnea spells. At which point they said, "sorry, we can't do the surgery." Recall I mentioned that we had a sleep study scheduled? (Or maybe I didn't...I was eyeball deep in mourning a baby at that time, so maybe I spaced it) At any rate, Corbin is going to Children's the 18th of this month for a sleep study because he stops breathing for 10-15 second increments in the night. We want them to remove his adenoids, but at his age they won't until they are sure the apnea is not a brain-stem issue.

So the way we're praying this works out is like this:

18th they monitor Corbin and actually SEE the apnea spells and determine it is obstructive and refer him to the ENT for an adenoid removal.

the following week have his adenoids removed

the week after that have the eye surgery.

We'd appreciate prayers along the same vein. All of this has been such a burden on our hearts since the little guy was 6 weeks old, so it would be absolutely amazing to have this lifted off of this household.

We are SO blessed despite all this, though, because as you can see, he is just the happiest little guy! He is completely and totally attached to mine and Allan's hips, but he is a joy to be sure.

Here is another joy:

She was more than a little irritated with me for taking this picture, LOL! She told me, "I DUN WAN PEC-TOOR, MOMMY!" But she is my big girl and I'm so proud of her :)

And there is my other big girl and her daddy working on the treehouse this weekend. Since the weather is totally worth being in, we've been trying to soak up every minute of daylight between gardening, swinging on the porch swing or working on the treehouse.

I mentioned those harvest treats...I've been having a blast baking this last week.

I made hot-cross buns from scratch and they were DEVOURED. I also made "the best, big, fat, chewy chocolate chip cookies" from allrecipes.com. We've been using the recipe for years and the name is TOO TRUE. There was chicken n' dumplin's, rump roast and veggies, pasta carbonara, from-scratch chicken noodle soup and something I've never made before but was so proud of:

homemade chicken pot pies with from-scratch gravy. MMMMMMMMM. Everyone in the house must love harvest treats as much as I do, because even GraceAnne has eaten most nights this week without complaint. That is rare. Corbin has been devouring his dinners and Violet hums with every bite.

I so LOVE this month! I pray you're enjoying your October, too :)