Giving Thanks

This year we gave up our usual--I typically put on a massive spread and invite over whatever stragglers we can find--and travelled out to Floydada, TX to spend Thanksgiving with some good friends who live at a Baptist camp. It was AMAZING!

I am so grateful that we have friends to lean/lay on ;)

The dinner was amazing, even though Melissa was nervous about it. She had never made a Thanksgiving dinner or even really cooked for that many people, so she was a little worried, but she did a fabulous job! We were all stuffed and had a really fun time.

Of course I thought of my family who I miss so much: My mom and sisters, who define Thanksgiving for me. There are no happier memories of the day than those with my mom...always on a strange day so we could go to our dad's family's house and she could work for time and a half...always the most delicious. I am so thankful that I had them to shape my childhood!

I'm also thankful for the family I've helped to create: my husband and children who make me full and whole. I am thankful for our home and the memories we make together. I am so very blessed.

I am thankful God took care of my garden for me while I was gone. It has been so neglected by human hands, but it's obvious no tiny detail escapes my Lord.

pretty little parsley sprouts!

Who says it's fall? I just LOVE this picture. I may blow it up and frame it. Yes...I think I am turning into a farmer!

Broccoli and garlic. I cannot WAIT to eat fresh broccoli crowns. I love broccoli and I'm thankful to my husband for introducing me. He made them for me when I was very first pregnant with GraceAnne...it was the first meal he ever made me and I thought I hated broccoli. I cried when I saw he was making it. I panicked, but decided I would eat it just to be nice, since he had been so amazing to cook for me. I was HOOKED and ate it at least 2x weekly for the rest of my pregnancy and it's still one of my faves.

romaine. We've been plucking leaves and using them. I so love going outside to get things instead of to the grocery store!

sugar-snap peas. These are doing great. The picture is a couple weeks old, now they have tons of flowers and one tiny pod is developing. I'm so excited!

I'm thankful for my bible study home-group. We meet on Thursdays and have since June. They are some of our very best friends and even though we knew them all and loved them before we started the group, I can say we have grown SO close in the last few months. They have traveled ups and downs with me and loved on us and our kids and we do the same for them. I am amazed at how far we've all come together and really have no idea what I'd do without them. The weeks we can't get together on Thursdays I'm lost and scrambling to figure out when we can get together.

I'm thankful for a man who makes pancakes (from scratch, even!!) with the babies on Saturday mornings and makes any shape they want.

and for the sweet babies who get up and pile in our bed and love on us before the day begins.

the man who fixes our cars so we don't have to pay an arm and a leg!

and repairs/improves our home so we don't have to pay an arm and a leg!

and mostly for all the joy, laughter, fullness, excitement, love, peace and beauty that is our home. I am thankful that we can call wherever we land our home and that God will transfer all that over to a new place whenever/ifever we find it.

I have had a few questions about what is going on around here and I promise I'll be back in the next few days. I have 2 blog posts stewing around in my head and I'll update everyone.

Love and miss you all! Pray you had a FABULOUS Thanksgiving, surrounded by the people you love and chewing on the memories of wonderful years past.

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to

I haven't been here in a while. Partly because our life is so insanely busy, even though Allan quit his job, but partly because I feel guilty subjecting people to my whining. But...then I realized I don't force anyone to read and it's my blog, so I'll cry if I want to.

Overall things are good. Corbin's eye seems better, it still gets red but doesn't puff up. He'll have the stint removed in January. Violet is learning so much every day and GraceAnne is loving homeschool. In fact, we're leaving this week and she said she doesn't want to go because she will miss school too much. Being as we've only gotten through 5 weeks in the last two months, I agree with her, but I'm glad she likes it. It has been good for us to work together and learn so much from each other.

Allan's mom came to help with the kids while I was in NY and I had an AMAZING time there. I learned so much and met some super great people. I am so grateful for the experience! Allan took 2/3 of his board exams to become a certified prosthetist and he's elated to not have the work monkey on his back right now.

The house will be on the market as of Wednesday. I'm SO nervous. On the one hand I want it to sell so we can go make our dreams come true, but on the other hand I'm scared/sad to leave. I LOVE this house! I love most everything about it. Life is moving so fast and I'm not ready. I find myself digging my heels in, demanding a slower pace and being sleepy A LOT. I don't know what the future looks like AT ALL and while it's exciting, it's also terrifying. I have a mantra along the lines of "God wants good for us. God wants good for us." So it can't be that bad.

I wish I could say I don't miss the baby anymore, but I do. Terribly. I wish I could say it no longer stings to hear a woman say, "March" when I ask her when she's due. I wish I could say I'm not sad when I look at the jar full of change that we raided to save our sanity in October, knowing we won't be taking any trip in March. I wish I could say I'm not disappointed that I have no drive to continue running. But I'd be lying if I said any of those things. Corbin is getting so big and he's walking all over the place now. It just seems wrong. He's getting big so fast and life is moving so fast and I can't catch a minute of it. I feel like I sit here in perpetual pause as far as my emotions are concerned and life flies past me at a speed I can't quite comprehend. I wake up each day with the intent to feel differently, to move on, to run at the speed of my family and friends...some days it works, other days I fall down.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind most days. Everything piles up around me and I feel like I'm drowning. I have no idea how to word things and I used to take such pride in my writing/speaking abilities. I feel like I've lost a piece of myself, a piece of my soul, along with the baby. Every month I know when I'm ovulating and I find myself wishing and then I remember we can't have babies. Sure--if God feels like Blessing us with more children, He can definitely do it, but I just don't think that's happening. It's a much harder road than I ever imagined. I pray someone else finds some peace in realizing they are not alone. This doesn't seem to be good for much else.

Anyway, I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't pen that, so there it is. I'm going to put some pictures up for you now to redeem myself. Love and miss you all. Praying you have a FABULOUS Thanksgiving and that you have lots of thanks to give. I know I do, and I go down my list daily to keep my perspective.

I don't think I posted any pix of them in their costumes!

Me and my new friend Karie and EBV-F in NY. I miss her!!

In his Syracuse shirt. SO CUTE! I love dressing a little boy :D

me and my hunny-bear.

EBV-F

What a week! I haven't even had a minute since I got home to sit down and write about my experience in NY. I don't know if anyone remembers my mentioning this a couple months ago, but I was accepted into the Entrepreneurial Bootcamp for Veterans' Families.

For lack of time, let me do the Who, What, Where, When, Why and How model for you...

Who--this is a group that was started by Mike Haynie of Syracuse University as a program for disabled veterans to better equip them to transition into civilian life. It grew to include 7 other universities around the country, (Allan attended the one at Texas A&M) and this was the very first class of the expanded version for caregivers of wounded vets. They are an amazing organization and really do a lot of good, so if you're looking for a place to send some money, it would be well-used by EBV!

What--a master's program in entrepreneurship (starting your own business) rolled up into one week. It is SUPER intense, but they take great care of their students. We learned everything from finding a passion/idea to writing a business plan to marketing to legal issues. The best part is that they follow us home and offer us a support structure that we can count on in the future as we work our way through the process of becoming a business owner.

Where--it all started in Syracuse, NY. The EBV program is now at schools around the country like Texas A&M, FSU, LSU and etc. I attended the program in Syracuse, NY and what a neat little town it is! The college is amazing and I was grateful to get to be in the originating place with the people who actually make the whole thing happen.

When--The program is once yearly but at different schools, so there is the opportunity to go at different times of the year. There is a 6 week online course and then a 9 day "residency" at the school you are accepted to. The EBV program kicked off 4 years ago and boasts over 500 graduates with more than 125 of those starting and maintaining successful, profitable businesses to this day. The very first EBV-F program launched this fall, with me in the inaugural class.

Why--Mike Haynie's passion is for vets because he is a vet himself. He said he found after he left the military that he struggled with a sense of purpose being "only" a professor. He brought the idea up to the dean at Syracuse and it was launched pretty quickly thereafter. The goal for the EBV program is to give disabled vets who would otherwise not be able to work create work that is purposeful and tailored to their specific abilities. The goal for EBV-F is to do the same for the caregivers of wounded vets, but also to teach work-life balance, so that we can work a business that will also allow us to care for our veterans and our families. I so love that they appreciate our need to do both.

How--This program is completely privately funded by groups like PepsiCo, Ernst & Young, etc. When you are accepted into the program, everything is covered, from the textbooks to the airfare and hotel to the professors teaching to the food (and boy did they feed us!) The only thing I pulled a dime out of my pocket for was souveniers for the kids. It was an absolutely amazing experience and I wish I had time to go on and on, but I will link for anyone who could use a program like this or knows someone who could. Please tell everyone. There are very few organizations who actually do what they say they'll do for the vets, but this is definitely one of them and they go above and beyond.

I know what I learned at EBV-F will last me a lifetime and will serve to give my family a security and a hope. I have every faith that the leaders of this program and the partners will be with me every step of the way as I move forward to see our goals through. I pray every vet who is interested will go to this class and find purpose in their lives after medical discharge. I pray every caregiver who needs to earn money for his/her family after a loss will go through this program and find purpose in their lives as well.

http://whitman.syr.edu/ebv/

November

Dear November,
You've already begun, but I KNOW you will be better than October. I pray you are slower, more thoughtful, that you take more time to be loving and kind. I pray that you give us reason for celebration and that we find resolve in the days you are with us. Thanks for stopping by, November...and for kicking that stinky old 2010 version of October out!
-Tara

Me too...National Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

Wow...Thank you, Melissa, for bringing this up. I want to link to this blog and then I'll go on with what I have to say. Yes...there's a lot of reading here for anyone actually intrested.

http://nancysmithonline.wordpress.com/2010/10/14/is-this-your-first/

So now for me. Yes, I heard some of those comments and I like to try to extend grace to those who don't know better. It makes me feel so much better to read where Nancy said, " We’re so unclear on what we actually believe about that child, that we’re uncomfortable with the grief associated with losing him or her." I have struggled with the same thing and they were MY babies. Yes, I said "they." We've had 2 losses. One right before we got pregnant with Violet and this latest one. The earlier one was "easier" I can say 3 years later because we got pregnant with Violet so soon afterward. In my head I justify it as "well...we wouldn't have had Violet." But this one...oh, this one...

Allan's analysis came back clear. Which means no more babies for us. There will be no child to cover over the grief of losing this one. That doesn't mean God isn't turning these ashes into beauty...I believe He is already showing me how He's making this tragedy into something amazing, but it does mean I don't know this grief, I've never experienced it before and it HURTS.

I mentioned to Allan last night how no one has commented on my last blog post. I don't know why that is. I know people have read it. It's okay, maybe I'm frying your grids. But I am grateful to know that it's okay to grieve and it's okay to expose things to people that may make them feel awkward. I'm grateful to have this place to share my experiences and to hopefully help others who have gone through/are going through the same things.

And that's it for me for now. This is very disconjointed and difficult to read, but there it is...my heart.

2 months

Today is 2 months since we found out our baby was gone. Sometimes I cringe when people say that someone has "left us" or is "gone" but in the case of Baby Doyle 5, it is true. I went to the ultrasound expecting to see a wiggly baby on the screen, but instead saw an empty sac where a baby had once been. It has been curious to me how that kind of thing happens, and I'll admit to being slightly disturbed that in some way my body was getting nourishment from the being it was supposed to be nourishing. But the hair-stylist I had the "divine appointment" with last month said, "maybe your baby was an angel and it just came to see you for a little while and then went back to heaven." I like her explanation better.



The bitter tears have mostly gone. I'm still sad and it's hard sometimes, to watch my body get ever smaller when it should be growing round with life, but for the most part, life has caught back up with me and busy-ness keeps me from feeling the pain very frequently.



Most of the time I feel like I'm floating at sea, but I mentioned in a post before we lost the baby that I had been feeling that way, so I suppose things are "back to normal" for the most part. I keep feeling like I'm waiting for our future to happen and really the only time the lonliness for the baby bites me in the arse now is when I remember that we had something tangible in the future to look forward to and now we don't know what it looks like--again. I don't know how to say that the way I mean it...I mean, we've known for a long time that something BIG was going to change soon and for a while, (40 days) we thought that change looked like a new baby and new familial roles, but now we're back to a faceless change, which is sometimes harder than the very hardest change you could know about.



I find myself defending my wound on occasion. What on earth does *that* mean?! Well, just that I want to feel it or expose it to others from time to time. Not because I'm some emo or goth kid, but because it seems like when you've lost something so loved, so wanted, so important you should just recognize that it was there instead of steam-rolling past it. For example, when remodeling the house, we came across a former doorway that had been boarded over and sheet-rocked. Allan thought we should "honor" the door so that everyone who visited would know that, once, a door had been in that spot. So he built a beautiful bookshelf in the doorway that was. When I come down the stairs, I admire that bookshelf. It used to be something much more functional, but then someone came in and plowed over it and it became a wall I had to decorate, (and had no decorations for, incidentally, so it was an eyesore) and a carpenter came along and decided to honor what was once there and it became something to inspire, something to look at and love. It's not what it used to be, but it's beautiful and it's a reminder.



Let me chase that rabbit 'round this bush one more time...There was once a new life that would enter this home and change its floorplan. It had a function and a purpose all its own--baby brother, youngest child, the one who changed the way we look at God--and to board that doorway up would create something that would be an eyesore (a mother who longed to remember her child, but never felt it was okay to talk about him). But instead I want a carpenter to come along and build something beautiful out of the empty space. Maybe that life is no longer functional or purposeful in and of the vision we had for it at the time, but it can be functional and beautiful in some other way.



By the way--Jesus was/is a carpenter if you're curious about the reference.



Well, that's all I got for now. Love and miss you all.

YAY OCTOBER!

It's here! My very favorite month. The fall garden is in the ground, the weather has cooled and I get to make harvest treats. The wheels are spinning wildly trying to figure what the kids will be for Halloween. The holidays are around the corner and in some ways life speeds up until the end of the year and in other ways it slows down.



Though this month is so happy, I need to ask our loved ones for some prayers. Poor Corbin is having some issues.

See that eye? He and I had some head cold/allergy stuff going on last week and his tear duct clogged up again. The pediatrician and the opthamologist agreed that it's not going to fix itself, like most kids, so he needs the plastic surgery done. They put him on another heavy-duty antibiotic and put a referral into the surgeon. When the surgeon's scheduler called they orginally told us to come in Monday, (tomorrow) but then they asked me if Corbin had any breathing issues...

So I had to tell them about the RSV and the allergies causing asthma symptoms and the breathing treatments and the whooping cough and the apnea spells. At which point they said, "sorry, we can't do the surgery." Recall I mentioned that we had a sleep study scheduled? (Or maybe I didn't...I was eyeball deep in mourning a baby at that time, so maybe I spaced it) At any rate, Corbin is going to Children's the 18th of this month for a sleep study because he stops breathing for 10-15 second increments in the night. We want them to remove his adenoids, but at his age they won't until they are sure the apnea is not a brain-stem issue.

So the way we're praying this works out is like this:

18th they monitor Corbin and actually SEE the apnea spells and determine it is obstructive and refer him to the ENT for an adenoid removal.

the following week have his adenoids removed

the week after that have the eye surgery.

We'd appreciate prayers along the same vein. All of this has been such a burden on our hearts since the little guy was 6 weeks old, so it would be absolutely amazing to have this lifted off of this household.

We are SO blessed despite all this, though, because as you can see, he is just the happiest little guy! He is completely and totally attached to mine and Allan's hips, but he is a joy to be sure.

Here is another joy:

She was more than a little irritated with me for taking this picture, LOL! She told me, "I DUN WAN PEC-TOOR, MOMMY!" But she is my big girl and I'm so proud of her :)

And there is my other big girl and her daddy working on the treehouse this weekend. Since the weather is totally worth being in, we've been trying to soak up every minute of daylight between gardening, swinging on the porch swing or working on the treehouse.

I mentioned those harvest treats...I've been having a blast baking this last week.

I made hot-cross buns from scratch and they were DEVOURED. I also made "the best, big, fat, chewy chocolate chip cookies" from allrecipes.com. We've been using the recipe for years and the name is TOO TRUE. There was chicken n' dumplin's, rump roast and veggies, pasta carbonara, from-scratch chicken noodle soup and something I've never made before but was so proud of:

homemade chicken pot pies with from-scratch gravy. MMMMMMMMM. Everyone in the house must love harvest treats as much as I do, because even GraceAnne has eaten most nights this week without complaint. That is rare. Corbin has been devouring his dinners and Violet hums with every bite.

I so LOVE this month! I pray you're enjoying your October, too :)

My Crowning Moment as Mother...

For the last 4 days I've had a nasty head cold. You know the kind where snot drips to your chin with no notice whatsoever? The watery crud that won't blow out unless you sneeze your brains out for a good 10 minutes? Yes, that kind.

Well, I'm getting better, but I still can't smell. Today we needed to get out of the house to run errands. We went to the bank, Wal-Mart and another local business. I was so proud to get all this down without one melt-down! The weather outside is lovely and the kids are being pretty good.

Got home and told them to go play in the yard while I got a few business things done and they happily ran outside. I had one of those nice little sneezing fits and blew my nose. Ahhhh! A glorious moment of being able to smell. But what did I smell?

Oh.
My.
Goodness.

B.O. and urine. Surely that's not ME?! But oh yes...Corbin had leaked pee on me earlier and by the time I could change my shirt it had dried and I had forgotten, (don't judge me. If you have more than one kid you know what I mean. LOL) I had also forgotten to put on deodorant this morning.

So to any of the merchants who saw a cute, smiling young mom approaching with a gaggle of children and was then met with a odiferous funk--I apologize. You can blame Texas with it's menagerie of allergens. *sigh*

VICTORY

Things have been...strange here. We're settling into things well. I'm not nearly as manic about homeschooling/gardening/housekeeping/being a wife as I thought I would be. In fact, one might argue that I'm doing very well at keeping it all under control considering the insanity in my head. I have one thing to say about that: It's not me--it's all God.





Because in my head, this is reason number 281 I should have been born a boy:

I can build a pretty rockin' fire. And I like fire. I jest, but a lot of times, my head does work more like a man's than a "typical" woman's. You know that joke you hear about men walking past a mess and not seeing it? Yeah...that's me. You know how women get together and complain about their men throwing clothes around and just piling up dishes? Yeah...I'm always embarrassed at those conversations because that's me. I could go on, but you get it. You'll probably argue with me, but don't. I know myself pretty well by this point.




But in God's world...these are reasons #1, 3, 4 & 5 I'm glad He made me a girl. I used to think it was a curse to be a woman, but I'm so grateful that I got to be a part of the miracle that is my marriage and my children.

I can't even sit here and fathom what to type. It's been a LONG, HARD few weeks. Make that a LONG, HARD month and a half. If I wanted to, I could make that a LONG, HARD year. But my God has plans for a future and a hope for me and for my husband and for our children, so I will trust that He has a great purpose for this mess that's been made and I look forward to that future and hope.

Victory becomes evident as we watch our little homestudy group turn into a family of people who uplift and encourage each other to be better than we were before. Victory becomes evident when a nasty fight turns into two people more united and driven toward the same place than ever. Victory becomes evident when a piece of mail comes saying I've been accepted to a program on the same vein as the one Allan completed last month. I'll be starting online classes October 4th and I'll be flying to Syracuse University in New York in early November. Victory especially becomes evident when it is more natural than ever to not yell at any little thing and peaceful, calm solutions come to mind more frequently than sarcastic remarks.

Loving and thinking about you all. Praying you're having a Blessed week.

Weekend Away

On Friday evening, after cleaning the house so well I didn't even want to leave it, (Allan took the kids to see a friend in the Lubbock area, so it was quiet) I took off for Alla's Bed & Breakfast in Duncanville. It's only about 30 minutes away, so it was perfect for some "away" time, but not so far I couldn't come back if I got totally homesick.

When I got there, the innkeeper, (Alla) welcomed me with a HUGE hug and a warm greeting. (to the tune of WELCOME, MY BABY! in a beautiful eastern European accent)She walked me through the house and showed me to my room.

I had the house to myself that night and because it was late when I checked in, I primarily just found a place to eat and read my bible for a while. It was great to be able to sit and read quietly, I don't have much time to do that. In fact, as I type, I have children running around the kitchen hollaring and entertaining themselves/each other.

I had ordered the organic European breakfast. Alla said I could choose when to have it made by, so I asked for 8:30. That way I could "sleep in" (HEY...8am is sleeping in when your baby normally gets you up at 6!) eat and then start my day.

I had seen the pictures on her website, but even they could not prepare me for this feast! Everything was absolutely fantastic and considering I don't even *like* eggs, that's saying something. I had coffee imported from Germany and I didn't even have to add sugar. The crepes were served with homemade organic jams. I had the strawberry and it was TO LIVE FOR! I didn't fully believe her when she said it, but Alla was being completely honest when she said I wouldn't want to eat but a snack until dinnertime. I ate the leftover fruit around 2pm and didn't eat again until 6pm. It was amazingly filling and I felt SO GOOD all day.

Alla and her husband, Rick (who ate breakfast with us and is an amazing man!) knew I wanted to run and suggested the Cedar Ridge Preserve. I was excited to give it a go. The first day I hiked about 5 miles and the second day I did a more treacherous trail and clocked about 3.5 miles. I LOVE to hike. I wish we lived closer, I would go daily.

Can you see what the sign says? Surreal.

I'm sure you can't get the scope of just how steep this is for real, but let me just say that I had to stop a couple times for a breather at different moments on this hike. I had such a blast and God revealed and clarified so many truths to me in the quiet of the cedar trees. I am so in love!

I'm a dork, I know, but I LOVE the way this looks...

Texas is so perdy!
This is amazing to me, but Alla said there is 1 open-air surgical center in Europe and it's in the cedar forest. Apparently it's the cleanest air on earth. God certainly does make amazing things!


By Sunday I was itching to go home and see my babies. I did my studies and decided to head to Cedar Hill to shop a little. The first stop found me a little 50's style dress at Ross that I then spent hours finding accessories for. I called the sitter as soon as I found the perfect red nail polish and lipstick and scheduled a surprise lunch date for Allan and I. I decided that since I put God first all weekend, like I was supposed to, I'd make sure Allan was my second priority and the kids third.

I found a beautiful red bow I intended to wear in my hair, but when I tried it on it looked AWFUL against all the grays. So...I drove around and around looking for one salon that was A) open and B) did color. I finally found one and that was totally a divine appointment. The stylist and I had an amazing conversation while she worked on bringing me back down to my age again. She straightened it for me when she was done and even the next morning it still looked great!

So after I had my third and final amazingly fantastically perfect organic European breakfast lovingly prepared by Alla, I was on my way home looking like this...except looking now, I guess I had forgotten to put on my stockings and pearls.


Allan and I had a wonderful lunch here in town and went to get the babies presents afterward. He was STUNNED, (I have such a great husband) when I pulled into the driveway. All his favorite things...ME, in a dress, in heels, with tights with a seam, with red lipstick and inviting him to lunch just us. I'm so lucky to have such an easily pleased man. LOL

Then we came home to my babies!! Ugh, I swear the best part of leaving is coming back! I didn't even come into the house when I picked Allan up for our date because I knew if I did I would scoop them up and snuggle them and not leave. I'm not sure they would have let me leave again anyway! Except maybe Corbin. He wasn't down with the hair/makeup. I don't think he recognized me.

There's Violet playing with her tea set next to the beautiful roses Allan got me to match my lips and nails :)

Aaaaaand, I had to put "normal" clothes on and put my hair in a ponytail before he would let me hold him. What a funny boy! But once he recognized me again he didn't let me put him down for a LONG time. I don't mind, I love my cuddle bugs.

So...I had a really great time, and I wish I had more time to write about what I learned while I was gone. Rest assured I have pages full in my notebook. I learned 2 things when I came home, though, that I'll leave you with.

1. You can let the separation move you apart from the ones you love, or you can let it move you closer. I pray I always choose to let the time apart move me closer.

2. It doesn't matter how much sleep you "caught up" on or how well rested your weekend was, the first night back home with your kids who wake up 4x will throw you right back to the exhaustion you suffered before you left.

Hope ya'll have had a Blessed week. I love and miss you all :)

Why RUNNING?

This is very disconjointed, so please bear with me...these are things that I NEED to get down, but do not have the time to heavily edit.

In an effort to hold myself even more accountable, I wanted to put this here:
Wednesday I ran/walked to the post office with the kids. GraceAnne ran with me and the babies were in the bike trailer.
Yesterday I biked for about 20 minutes in the evening and then walked a couple blocks to cool down.
Each morning I stretch with GraceAnne and Violet and since we're doing school upstairs there have been lots of upstairs/downstairs trips with the kids.

I'd like to add situps and pushups to this regimen and I'd really like to get up consistently early enough to run before Allan goes to work. But for now, I am doing some type of cardio every day.

So...I was riding my bike yesterday and I had some questions running through my mind. Primarily, "Why am I doing this?" See, it's not exactly fun for me. I don't get done sweating and breathing heavy and think, "that was a blast, I love the rush!" I'm just not that girl. So I was talking to God and trying to figure out just *what* is compelling me toward this. The answer came in the form of a memory of a post I made on FB. I wrote, "Look, Paw, the outside matches the inside...all hurty everywhere!" Since I am admittedly out of shape, every muscle in my legs hurt. My teeth/mouth hurt because I began wearing my invisalign trays again since my teeth were starting to look bad again. My head hurts because of hormones, I guess??? My back hurts because I haul a 22lb 8-month-old around everywhere. And obviously my soul is aching. So I thought about that and I made these connections:

I knew some "cutters" in high school. They all said that it was a release because of 2 things: either they wanted to be sure they could still feel something other than mental anguish or it gave them a release...like hurting on the outside somehow makes the inside hurt less. While I don't think I'm being destructive, I see a very big correlation here. I am enjoying aching everywhere because it reminds me I'm still human and to hurt is to be alive. Sure...sounds like a morbid 16 year old, but it is what it is right now.

I am currently in the process of learning to grieve. Any other time in my life that I've been hurting I've reached out and tried to help other people and it soothed me except that I had nothing left for myself at the end of the day. Which obviously leads to depression in a very big way. I've battled depression before and I know this beast, so I know that avoiding it by hiding my own hurts in lieu of others' hurts is not going to do anything but prolong this process. Since I am sitting here in my pit, I feel the need to flee from it, because this is how I've always dealt with my pain. Since I'm not allowing myself to flee mentally, (and this goes both ways, I will fully live in my moment of pain, but I also fully live in a moment of joy. I'm trying to ride this coaster good or bad) I will flee physically. But as my wonderful friend Mary said on her running blog...I'm also running face first into the Lord. Which leads to my next reason:

I can't do this alone. On my own power I cannot handle the death of my baby and on my own power I cannot become a person who is good at and enjoys running. I don't have it in me. I've always been a much more sensitive person and while Allan can and does pick himself up by the bootstraps and move on, I am just not that girl, either. I need a little while to figure out which way is up before I move. I run to remind myself that God can help me through anything and He WILL help me through this grief. He's sitting here with me, crying and holding me and He's out there running and cheering me on.

The biggest reason I'm running, though, has to do with something my dear friend/cousin-in-law Gayle said on my training post..."I can think of 100 things I'd rather do than run." And she is SO right. Gayle is a true inspiration, (look for her blog on my sidebar...The White House) She is always doing something in the yard, with the kids, in the kitchen. I am not sure she ever takes a moment to rest and based on the things I know she hauls around that amazing yard, I know she's no weakling and no stranger to hard work. I pondered that for a couple days after she said it because Lord knows I've got plenty around here that could be spruced up, decluttered, or whatever. Outside I've got beds desperately waiting for me to take bottoms off and fix the soil up for fall planting next month. But I cannot do these things to help me through this. WHY???

Because I need to do something that has no tangible/visible results whatsoever. Running is not going to give me a rockstar body. Running isn't going to turn this belly flub into a 6-pack of abs. Running doesn't produce anything that could be considered productive. But I need that because my body is not producing anything right now. I've got nothing in me that desires to produce anything but my baby and that can't happen, so I'm not going to seek production in other areas, either. (Please don't get me wrong...I am still doing dishes and laundry and cooking and taking care of my children...I'm just not seeking out physical activity that produces fruit)

So what exactly does that mean? Well, when we run we have faith that our bodies will grow stronger--our lungs should expand so that we can breathe easier, our circulation should increase, causing more oxygen to be delivered to parts of our bodies that may have been lacking prior. It's supposed to make our hearts healthier, (and I could SURE use some of that right now! Figuratively speaking...) We don't really *see* any of that, we just have faith that it is true. Technically I could become a runner and run 7 miles a day and be in the best shape of my life but die of a heart attack at 40. We just take it on faith that we will be better off for doing it.

And so it is with allowing God to lead me through this pain. I don't see any tangible changes right now. I still break down in the middle of the day. I almost started crying five times at WalMart last night--for no real reason. I'm still torturing my poor family with my random sobbing and my random anger and my random unwillingness to move at all. After all, it's only been 3 weeks. BUT...I have faith that if I am willing to keep meeting my Lord in this pit, He will continue to sit here with me. If I keep opening up His word, He will continue speaking to me. If I keep moving through the days, He will keep giving me some grace and one day-maybe not even soon-He will take me by the hand and turn me into a girl who desires to run after Him and He will show me exactly how He will turn these ashes into beauty.

Lord I long for that day. But I thank Him for giving me the time to feel these things that are so very human. I am grateful that it is okay with Him if I choose to feel my way out of this hurt. I am grateful that I can torture my body into being a better image of myself...inside to the outside...physically and spiritually.

That's all I got for now...this post may change a lot, but I want to again say thank you to all of you who read this and love me anyway. ;)

First day of School?

Our first day of school started around 8. By then I had all the kids up and they were ready to eat. While the food was warming up, we did stretches. My two primary worries with homeschool are that she will be unsocialized and lack physical activity. To remedy the first issue, she is in GirlScouts, church and we'll pick one other activity outside of home. The 2nd issue I'm addressing by stretching in the morning and attempting some type of activity during the day. Yesterday we did my walk/run regimen to the post office while I pushed the babies in the bike trailer. We also just joined a homeschool group that does a gym class on Fridays. Perfect because I picked a 4-day curriculum!

MMMMMM. GraceAnne had some sausage biscuits, (she's been requesting them since June) and Violet ate a granola bar and a sausage biscuit and Corbin had some Mish Mash.

And the first day was mostly special because instead of getting up and rushing around to get dressed in the coolest outfit we could find and brushing our hair up into piggies with big bows--we just rolled out of bed. Yepp, we spent the first day in jammies.

Here's what the 2 spawn do while we complete our lessons. They are pretty good as long as they're well fed, but it is LOUD in that room. Absolutely no carpet=horrendous echo. Sometimes we have to stop reading until they get done being super noisy.

And here she is on day 2 working on a worksheet.

So far it's been alright. I definitely wish that instead of being a crazy mourning psycho for the last 3 weeks I had been reading my curriculum and getting prepared for school as I had planned. However...thanks to the curriculum I chose the day is pretty idiot-proof. Unless said idiot doesn't realize she forgot to order a few things until the first day, but...if that were to happen said idiot could easily order the items online and recieve them in just a few days.

So far we're working on vocabulary, history, reading, math and bible study. We'll be starting science and handwriting shortly. Thankfully homeschooling goes MUCH faster than regular school or I would be in serious trouble with the babies and my sanity. We are currently done by about 10am and I suspect that will only go up until about noon with added classes once we get the hang of everything. I do have an art class sitting in the closet, but I think that will be just once weekly.

I also am extremely Blessed in that there is a woman here in town who has put 4 of her kids through Sonlight. Her oldest is 16 and she's had some of the same issues with her that I have with GraceAnne, (namely that we're so much alike we clash like crazy) so I am excited that she will be an invaluable resource. She also sits on the board of the homeschool group we joined, so I just know God is speaking to me in all this. I am completely inadequate to do this on my own, but He's going to help me get through it and in the end GraceAnne will have such an awesome education for it. Well, that's about it for now. Diapers this weekend, shall we?

Training...

Most of you who read this are women, so you'll understand what I'm about to say. Sometimes while talking to my husband, I realize some very powerful truths that I was not tuned into until they come out of my mouth. Of course we all know this can be a dangerous thing, but in my old age I've become very reflective, (I suppose I always have been, it's just that it's become honed in the last few years) so I don't say the stupid stuff as much as I used to. Don't worry, I'm still prone to my usual stupidity...

At any rate, we were discussing just exactly the reasons why the loss of our child has hurt me so much. Besides the obvious, as I was speaking I told him that pregnancy is a preparation. From getting up 5x a night to pee to just walking around with 20 extra pounds attached to you the entire 9 months is an excersize in endurance, to be sure that at the end you are 1) ready to run the biggest marathon of your life and do the impossible, (labor and then give birth) and 2) prepared to be a mom. At the very end of your pregnancy you endure the hardest thing you never knew you could do and sit triumphantly while you gaze upon the miracle that you just got to be a part of. The following few days are an exhausted stupor, but one in which you are thrilled to be. Or at least I have always thought the first week home with baby is the most delicious time.

So I'm mourning the loss of the family I envisioned starting on June 7th...the picture of us with 5 kids above the mantle; the endless insanity that goes along with 3 under 3; the thought of who this little person would turn out to be in this big world; but I'm also mourning the loss of a test of endurance and strength. Mourning something I *know* I can't do on my own, but doing it because I have a wonderful husband to get me through and a glorious God to bring me through and because of the promise of the most amazing week of rest in which I bask in the awesomeness of a God who allows me to be a part of this miracle.

"Them was my magic shoes."

So today I started running. I don't know precisely what I'm training for, but I have big dreams of hiking through treacherous terrain with a toddler sized 14mo old on my back when we take our trip in March. I want to train for something completely outside of me and then achieve it and have a great week of rest afterward.

That said...those of you who know me, go ahead and laugh. Those of you who don't, suffice it to say I am NOT a runner. I have never been an overly physical type of person. I would much prefer to sit on the couch with a friend and a cup of coffee than go anywhere. I wouldn't call myself a homebody, but I am, for the most part, content to sit. Suffice it also to say that I have been pregnant or nursing for the better part of 3 years and none of that is conducive to being physically fit. I will start this journey at around 134lbs (I'm 5'5") and between a jean size 7-9. Yes...I am fairly small, however, all my smallness is "jiggly" save my arms, which get quite the workout daily hauling around a 22lb 8-month-old.

But as I said, today I started running. I thought to myself when I got up, "surely I can run all the way down to Main St." I got to the end of my block with 6 blocks left to go and gave that dream up quickly enough, so I guess that is my goal--to be able to run all the way to the main road. I opted, instead, for running a block and fast-paced walking a block, alternating like that all the way down and back. About the 2nd block on the way back I resigned myself to praying like a madwoman...aloud. So if you live around town and you hear a very out of breath woman praying, "You can do this, you ARE doing this. God give me strength. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I have run a good race" etc, either ignore me or cheer me on. The last block I was supposed to run I thought I couldn't, but gosh-darnit, I did it anyway. I felt like I was going to die when I walked in the house, but we did it! Me and God helping me through. Just like every time I had a baby...

So there it is. Yes, I am starting off pretty pathetically, but I'm starting and that's a big sweaty deal for me. I haven't run in 7 years, (literally, to the month...it was 7 years ago in August I started training for basic) and then I got pregnant and haven't done anything physically exerting since. Prior to that I hadn't run since high school and that was only because I had to. I've never in my life owned running shoes, (yes, folks, the beauties you see above are actually my first pair of Nike's EVER) and I never in a million years dreamed that I would be doing this, but here I am. At one point in time I never dreamed that I'd want, love and dream of 6+ kids, either, so I guess all things really are possible through Christ Jesus.

I'll have lots of blogging fodder in the next few days...we are cloth diapering and our first official day of homeschooling is tomorrow, so I'll be sure to take lots of pictures. I know the blog has been seriously devoid as of late. I thank all of you who have been reading anyway. I love and miss you!

WOW

Think of people with power…how few people they probably truly care for. Some of them would sell out their own families for a little more power. Consider Sadaam Hussein, Adolf Hitler. Even thinking back on the good ones, how many people do you believe they truly cared for? Maybe as few as their immediate family? Princess Di probably cared for thousands, but do you suppose she cared for millions? The most caring person I can think of would probably be Mother Theresa and I’m willing to bet that she cared for millions, but how about everyone who ever came or ever will?
Imagine one of these powerful people asked you to lunch. Barack Obama himself called you and asked you out for lunch because he wanted to impart some wisdom to you. The CEO of a fortune 500 company called you for a brunch date at your home-town IHOP because he decided he cared enough for YOU that he wanted to give you some knowledge on how he got from the streets of the Bronx to where he is today. Would you take some time off of work? Would you brag to everyone around you that these people were interested in “little old you?”


And so it is with God…I see that He holds ALL the power. He created the heavens and the earth and He created all that is in it and with the blink of His eye He could end it all or Bless it all and He gave us these wonderful gifts—like free will and being able to enjoy a spouse and being part of the miracle of gestation and child birth. But mostly what brings me to my knees in awe is that He cares deeply for ME. He who holds the most power--the creator of all that exists cares that I ache on the inside over the loss of my baby. He cares deeply that I am having a hard time caring for my living children the way I should and He’s not mad at me…He’s weeping with me. He knows me intimately and STILL He longs for a relationship with me. Not one where I am just in reverence of Him, but one where He speaks back to me and I hear Him. He doesn’t just care for me now…the Christian Tara who goes to church and reads her bible every morning, but He cared for me THEN…the unbelieving Tara who spewed her doubts on every baby Christian she could find—taking pride in the fact that she could make them question their faith.


The all-powerful, almighty God of the universe wants desperately to have lunch with us but what do we usually tell Him? “Sorry, Lord…I’m real busy today. The dishes are piled up and the laundry needs folding.” “Sorry, Lord…I need to get to work, I’m running late.” Do we boast to our co-workers, relatives and friends that He wants to meet us and come to us in our place? He’s flying a big old jetplane to see ME in my home on my terms and do we tell anyone about how intimately He cares about “little old me?”


God can Bless us so much more fully than the people we choose to align with power. What can any human being on this planet really do for us? They can comfort us, they can love us, they can make us feel full sometimes, but who hasn’t been hurt by even the greatest love of their life? Even my husband and children, whom I love and adore and who make my life on this earth complete let me down from time to time. They may even break my heart one day or *gasp* die and leave me alone. I am amazed and intrigued that God will never ever leave me alone. Even when I think He has He doesn’t. He promises that He won’t. Oh, how He loves us.


So I’m going to brag…the Lord of all creation wants ME. He loves ME. He is pursuing ME. Do I deserve the perfect love of anyone? No. I’m still selfish and sometimes mean and despite all the beautiful changes He’s made in me I’m still far from perfect. Last night I was angry and I gossiped. I don’t deserve a love that would sacrifice life for me. But I got it. Wow. So did every person who ever was, who is now and who ever will be. Even the people I don’t believe deserve it. I know despite this people will walk away from Him. What continues to enthrall me is that He knows exactly who will walk away from Him, but he pursues anyway. He wants them anyway. He loves them anyway. I know I can’t say I’d love someone who would walk away from me and my efforts time after time

WOW.

It's the Little Things

Sometimes God's Blessings and encouragements are so small you have to be broken to see them. Sometimes you have to be broken to even recieve them at all.

Through this entire crappy situation of losing our baby, we've had some wonderful people loving on us. We've always craved deeper relationships with people and it seems that now the door is opening. We're all beginning to see that NOW is the time. Not in a week when things have calmed down, not in a month when this project is over but RIGHT.NOW.IS.THE.TIME.

Allan and I decided that despite being "broke" for the next 10 months, we're going to plan for a family vacation in March. It will encompass the day the baby would have been due, (March 10th). We know that since God made this baby we want to see something GRAND that God made. We want to be swept up in His majesty and beauty as we remember the hope and excitement that we had and the hope and excitement He promises we'll have again.

We had set aside a little tax money for doing random things with the kids during these 10 months, but we decided to make it "seed money" for the trip instead. Since we use cash we accumulate quite a good amount of change, so we're saving that, too. And every other extra penny that comes into this household is going to go into this trip. We have no idea where to go, but I think the perfect place will come to us.

And that brings me to the tiny things. Even though we shouldn't have anything to put aside, I was able to sell some of the baby's things I was saving. I have a rebate from switching our energy provider coming in the form of a gift card soon. Today I got a WM gift card in the mail. All of these things will go into the jar. I know God will Bless this trip and the planning because despite our pain we are seeking Him.

And it's not just monetary...like I said above, God puts some amazing people in our lives...people we would never have expected to lift us up when even some of our closest friends and family run away. Today I also got a card from someone on my coupon trading board of all places. We only ever exchanged a few private messages while securing a trade, but she saw somewhere that we had lost our baby and sent a card and a "Big Hug." Today a friend from church is coming over to spend some time because Allan is gone and she thought I might be lonely, (too true!). I have play dates set up this week in the land of "let's-get-together"-but-we'll-never-really-do-it. I had an amazing friend take my girls last week for a few hours so I could decompress a little. None of this would have happened if it weren't for our little bean going back to Heaven.

I still would rather hold my baby in March than take a trip, but for now I'll beam at the little things.

Letters to God

Dear God,

Can we just say that this month (or maybe the last 8!) have been very difficult? This family has certainly seen its share of Blessings, but we've also seen our share of heartaches. Nevermind just the stress of daily living with a 2-yr-old and an infant...we've been from RSV to systemic thrush to mastitis x3 to clogged milk ducts and tear ducts and countless medications to hospitalizations to a premature end to nursing to losing half our income to whooping cough to complications from a vasectomy to losing our child. Top that torturous sundae with the whipped cream and cherry of being spiritually beaten down by satan and I'd say it's given us more than just a belly/toothache! Through it all I know you've been crying right along with us and giving us strength to get back up and face another day.

You know that we've struggled with studying your word and praying the way we should. I feel guilty about that, but I'm so grateful that you're not an angry God who sits back and wonders WHEN we're going to get our act together and do right. I'm so grateful for your saving grace.

I want to affirm a couple of your truths that I've re-realized in the last couple of days. You are who you say you are and you do what you say you'll do. I may never understand why Melissa and I had to lose our children this week, but I know you told me I'd get pregnant...I assumed the having a baby part. You were faithful and I did, indeed get pregnant. You told her that her body would heal and she would again have life inside of her. You were faithful and her body did heal and she did, indeed have life inside of her again. I know that you are mourning our losses just as we are and that our children are safe with you. I know that you are holding us, even if we feel we are alone sometimes.

I know that you do not tempt me to do evil. When I am ready to snap and scream and freak out at my children it is not you who is "testing" me. You are not tempted to do evil and you do not tempt others. I know that satan is alive and well and that he is trying his best to keep me from you. Even though your love for me never ends, the guilt and anger I feel can keep me from approaching you and can break our communion.

So I call on these truths and I will seek your face as you've told me to. You know how twisted and broken I am on the inside. You know I am weary. I know I can't do any of this without you. I confess that I have tried, because it is in my nature not to burden anyone else--not even you--with my troubles. I confess that I have doubted your strength in me. I understand that to do wrong when I know right is sin, no matter how "understandable" the sin may be on this earth, it is not what you want for me.

Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for seeing this beautiful mess and promising me beauty for ashes. Thank you for never being ashamed or disappointed in me. Thank you for not being anything that my mind can make you out to be. Thank you for the Blessings of living in a country where things come so easily, my beautiful home, my mom and sisters, a husband who cherishes, adores and encourages me, 4 wonderful children, your Son and your word.

I'm hurt and I'm confused, but I still love you and I still need you. Please strengthen me through your love and encourage me through your word and Bless those who have to deal with me in this season. Bless those who choose to deal with me in this season--pile so many good things on them that they can't help but know who you are, too.

You are my salve, your word my soothing ointment. You never said it would be easy, but you promised the end would be worth it. I will follow you and choose to love you despite the world's best efforts. I love you.

Yours,
Tara

Over Already...

Dear baby-yet-to-be,

We learned that you would be joining us on June 7th, when the Lord told us about you. We saw a positive pregnancy test on June 27th. All at once I was scared, excited, nervous and pumped to be swept up in God's glory. Afterall, He would have to lend us a lot of grace to get through homeschooling, cloth diapering, 3 under 3, losing half our income, etc.

On July 5th the Dr told us you may not join us afterall and I refused to believe him. I knew you weren't a blighted ovum because I saw you in there. I held fast to faith and 2 weeks later saw you and your precious heartbeat. Over the next 2 weeks I told everyone how good God is to reassure us. I was even arrogant. I am remorseful for that now.

Naturally, I settled into becoming your mother. As hard as it is, I praised the Lord everytime I had a wave of nausea. Everytime I peed *again* I said a prayer of thanks for you. Everytime your big brother and sister got me up in the night and I thought to be grumpy, I decided against it and praised the Lord that I get to be involved in the miracle of all these precious lives. Having lost a baby before, I tried to roll with every pregnancy symptom I felt. "it's only a few months." "the reward is so great." "it just means the baby is happy."

But the hormones get the best of me--always have--and so sometimes I wasn't the nicest mommy to your brother and sisters. Sometimes I was grumpy and lazy and paid for it later in the form of their attitudes and unwillingness to help me. Now I wish I had celebrated every moment instead of saying, "it will be better in a few more weeks." I wish the only memories your siblings will have of you were not me sitting on my butt and barking like a mean witch.

On August 4th your daddy went in for his vasectomy. We contemplated a long time and decided that we were taking a leap of faith. Several moms told me to wait...make sure you were okay, but I was just so arrogant. Besides, I didn't want *another* baby; I wanted YOU. I wanted you because the Lord told me about you and changed my heart when I thought I couldn't love another child. I want you because you are my miracle baby and I want desperately to cling to a miracle-to be a part of feeling and then watching that miracle grow.

On August 5th I went in for a regular appointment and had another ultrasound. The nurse-a good friend of mine-and I joked about how we hoped/thought you would be a boy. But then the Dr only found your sack and your yolk. And I stared at that screen, knowing what it meant, but not wanting to hear it or know it. And he told me that you were gone...being reabsorbed into my body. He said your sack may stay with me another month or more. He said he is sorry and gave me a hug. You must have been very special to get Dr Kingsley and I to hug.

On the drive home I cried for you. I told God that I am angry He could promise me something and it would be ripped away. I feel lost and it just doesn't feel fair. I told your daddy a few days ago that I felt like I was floating at sea and waiting for God to save me...just floating, not really in agony or in pain, but just waiting. Now I feel like I'm drowning in this sea, but I know I won't because He will help me breathe in this awful place.

I feel stupid for being so arrogant. For being so prideful. I feel remorse for not being joyful every moment of your tiny life. I feel jealous that other people get to feel their babies grow but I will be stuck in perpetual pregnancy until the Lord sees fit to release me. I feel anger at Satan for ruining my dreams, because he is the one who kills, steals and destroys. I feel a mixed feeling of being angry that I let your daddy get a vasectomy because I just desperately want a baby to fill this void and feeling glad that I let him because no other moment in our lives will be "perfect" again and we will never be able to fill the space in our family you would have filled. Mostly I just feel lonely without you. I'm so grateful you're with our Father now, but that doesn't stop making me wish that I had gotten to feel you kick, that I got to hold you and kiss your tiny cheeks and watch you grow and learn.

Today we went shopping as a family. I thought retail therapy might take my mind off of you and the empty sack that's taking up residence in my body, with no promise of life. While I soaked up every minute of your siblings and the miracles they themselves are, looking around only made me think more of you. Waves of grief threatened to consume me as I passed baby blankets, the sling I wanted to buy to carry you around in, the stroller I wanted to get to carry you and your brother in, Motherhood Maternity and all the gloriousness of covering a growing belly with stretchy fabric. I pray you can see your mommy and know that she wants you so much and that you are so well loved by me, your daddy, your sisters and your brother.

Baby, I will hope and pray for you until the moment I start bleeding. Then I will miss you so very much. I will mourn you--probably past what other people think is okay or normal. I will pray that one day God shows me how He'll turn these ashes into beauty. And I will always love you.

-mommy

Over already!?

Well, just like anytime you plan like crazy for a party and then the actual party date arrives and your guests show up....or anytime you have a child who only gets to come see you 3x/year...the time FLIES by. I can't believe Rhiya has been here a month already. We've packed so much into these few days, though she may feel otherwise. There's been the zoo, the aquarium, the planetarium, swimming and swimming and swimming. Treehouse building, church camp, 4-wheelin', etc. All in one month we've cured our 2 youngest of a potentially fatal disease, worried and prayed and been reassured about the life of our new one on the way.


One day in particular that we spent together has been my favorite, so I'll share a few pictures of it here.

Cedar Hill has an outdoor mall with a water feature in the middle. We picked up an edible arrangement on the way and sat at the bench eating fruit in the shade. Let me tell you, it has been a SCORCHER, too. We're talking 103+ degrees and WONDERFULLY dry. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this or not, but I adore this weather. 75 with 80% humidity is too hot for me, but today was 107 with no moisture at all and absolutely perfect.
Corbin loved the fruit, too. The watermelon was perfectly squishy for him to gnaw on.

Of course, the only fruit I really want in the whole arrangement are the chocolate covered strawberries, but so does everyone else! Punks. But of course I shared because I'm a nice mommy...okay, so maybe I threw a little fit, but I still shared ;)

Pretty daisy with a pretty daisy!

Help yourself, why don't ya, Violet? Can you guess what she was picking?

See that poor boy's eye? He had to finally get it probed because it blew up for the 3rd time. It's gone down now, but he may still need to see the plastic surgeon. We're praying that's not the case. The babies were also diagnosed with Whooping Cough and everyone in the house was on antibiotics. We were quarantined for several days, so this trip was our victory, (we beat it!) trip. Hahaha.

Then we got to play. YAY! Corbin and I sat in the shade while the big girls played in the water and had a blast!

This water feature is so nice. Apparently everyone within a 25 mile radius had the same idea we did that day. We had way too much fruit, so we offered the leftovers to a table full of mommies and kids near us. In the end about 15 kids got to be happy with the fruit besides just mine. It was a great blessing.

Rhiya is a great big sister and helps with the babies lots. I'm sure she gets tired of it, but that's how we get out of the house, so she deals. And in the end she gets a lot of joy from them. (no less than the joy they get from her!)

She decided to let Corbin in on the fun and one of the squirters got him right in the butt and he freaked.

So instead she filled the edible arrangement bucket with water and let him splash in the shade. He loved that!

After we got our fill of sun and water, we went to Wetzels Pretzels and had some lunch, (AWESOME!) and a little bird told us that the cupcake place was giving out free cupcakes. They had almost 30 different flavors! Rhiya had mint chocolate chip, GraceAnne got red velvet because it had a pink sprinkle flower on top and Violet had vanilla. Violet only ate the frosting.

And since everyone was tired on the way home, they all konked out. It was a fabulous day!

I have a ton more pix, but I'll take a few more days to enjoy the rest of Rhiya's visit. Love and miss you all!